Hi Limo Princess,
My best female friend's daughter is expecting next month...and as a single man, never married, no children...I now have to opportunity to be in attendance at the birth of her child. However, it's very unlikely that I will be in the birthing room...witnessing the event. It is very likely that I will be the only male in attendance. What is the protocol for someone like me...should I bring flowers, etc??? I am very very close to the family and the pregnant young lady and I want to do my best.Thanks!Ron P.S. I know I am probably in the wrong section...maybe you can point me in a right one! Ron
Dear Ron,
No, you are OK here, I can help you. The very best gift that is appreciated more than anything these days is disposable diapers for the baby. You don't need to bring anything to the actual birth, the mother will be exhausted and then drugged and the father is the one to hand out the traditional cigars. If you are invited to the bris or christening then of course you bring a gift for the baby, a savings bond is a traditional christening gift. Flowers for the mother would be nice as she will be in the hospital for a couple of days depending on whether or not they have to do a c-section--but you would treat this like any other hospitalization except the flowers would be more congratulatory than 'get well' type. I hope this answers your question, if you need further assistance let me know!
All the Best,
Limo Princess
Showing posts with label manners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label manners. Show all posts
Friday, June 6, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
high school graduation gift giving
Dear Limo Princess,
Our daughter is having her high school graduation open house soon and will be attending her friends' open houses. Do graduates usually gift each other when they attend open houses - it seems like it could get expensive plus they would just be passing money back and forth! Thanks! If we attend, of course, we would give a card with money but if she goes alone, does she need a gift?
Dear Tricia
Since she is attending an actual party, she should have a small thoughtful gift that should be chosen with the recipent in mind. I usually give a small box of personalized stationery to remind them to write or for thank you notes. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be special!
Our daughter is having her high school graduation open house soon and will be attending her friends' open houses. Do graduates usually gift each other when they attend open houses - it seems like it could get expensive plus they would just be passing money back and forth! Thanks! If we attend, of course, we would give a card with money but if she goes alone, does she need a gift?
Dear Tricia
Since she is attending an actual party, she should have a small thoughtful gift that should be chosen with the recipent in mind. I usually give a small box of personalized stationery to remind them to write or for thank you notes. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be special!
Get together invite goes horribly wrong!!
Dear Limo Princess,
We are having a get-together for some of our family and our next door neighbors (who are really good friends) on Sunday. Saturday, our neighbor asks us out of the blue if she can have her daughters (18) boyfriend attend also, and offered to bring extra food. We wanted to keep this shindig limited to who we offered verbal invites too, so we said no. She then proceeded to get mad and upset, through out the "well we're not family card" and said they would not be attending. My wife and I were totally shocked at her actions, and would like to know if we should apologize. We have a son (15) and he was told up front he would not be allowed to have any friends over. I don't see why we should allow someone's daughter to have her boyfriend over, when we are not allowing our son to have anyone over. After all, we did not invite the boyfriend, just the mom, dad, and daughter. Should we apologize, or is an apology owed to us? This has been irritating us, and we would like to know if we were in the wrong or not. P.S. - The daughter runs this household. Anytime she wants something, she pouts and moans and mopes and throws the guilt trip around until she gets her way. Her mother always gives in to her demands, and her dad gets ganged up on by mother and daughter when he tries to lay down the law. So he stays pretty neutral when things like this happen. She has already gotten 2 cars and 2 trips out of this, not to mention a face piercing, which her mother said she would never get as long as she lived in their house.
Dear Joey.
I'm afraid you aren't going to like my answer, but on the rude scale, you topped your neighbor. She was about a 1 and you were a 6 on the scale. While no one should ask a hostess if they can bring an extra guest, the neighbor girl who is OVER 18 and therefore an adult, should have been allowed to bring her boyfriend. Your son is 15 and I can understand your reasoning in not wanting kids, but you forgot that the girl next door IS an adult and to invite her to a party without allowing her to bring a date is rude because even though she's still "the little girl next door" to you, she's an adult. Either her boyfriend should have been included in the original invite or they should all have been excluded. Your neighbor even offered to bring extra food to make up for the extra person which was nice of her and the right thing to do and you were inhospitable. I'm surprised from your email that you behaved this way to a close friend and neighbor, I'm wondering if you let your dislike for this girl spill over into your relationship with her parents, but at any rate, it's done. I know it's difficult for you because your dislike of this girl is apparent even to me in such a short email, but she will leave home soon and you don't want to lose good friends because their child-rearing isn't up to your standards.You owe your neighbor an apology, and soon before you irreparably damage the friendship.
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Unfortunately, of course this isn't the answer I was looking for, but does the fact she turned 18 about 2 weeks ago make a difference? Also, her mother doesn't like her boyfriend, who is 15, and is not an adult, and am wondering if his age should be a factor, since my sons friends are also 15? Thanks for the response.
Dear Joey,
Well, actually that DOES make a difference as I presumed he would be at least 18, so that one's on me! I understand where you are coming from as I try to ban children from my parties, but when someone asks if they can bring a child(ren) I always say yes.Still, even though this brings you to a 3 instead of a 6, you still should be the one to institute the healing process. These people have been friends of yours for a long time--friends argue but they forgive--and someone has to make the first move with the olive branch. I'd suggest doing it with humor--take them a cake and tell them you brought it to them because your are having some tasty crow. It would be OK to leave in on the door when they aren't home which will keep them from being on the spot. Then let it go--you have extended an olive branch and it will be up to them to make the next move--and hopefully it will all be OK. I know you must be a good man because you didn't lambaste me when you didn't like my answer. 'This too shall pass' as someone much wiser once said, give it a little time and some baked goods and see what happens. I sincerely hope this works out for you and that you can patch things up with your neighbors!
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you so much for your help. This will guide us in the right direction. I think we will take your advice and start amends.
We are having a get-together for some of our family and our next door neighbors (who are really good friends) on Sunday. Saturday, our neighbor asks us out of the blue if she can have her daughters (18) boyfriend attend also, and offered to bring extra food. We wanted to keep this shindig limited to who we offered verbal invites too, so we said no. She then proceeded to get mad and upset, through out the "well we're not family card" and said they would not be attending. My wife and I were totally shocked at her actions, and would like to know if we should apologize. We have a son (15) and he was told up front he would not be allowed to have any friends over. I don't see why we should allow someone's daughter to have her boyfriend over, when we are not allowing our son to have anyone over. After all, we did not invite the boyfriend, just the mom, dad, and daughter. Should we apologize, or is an apology owed to us? This has been irritating us, and we would like to know if we were in the wrong or not. P.S. - The daughter runs this household. Anytime she wants something, she pouts and moans and mopes and throws the guilt trip around until she gets her way. Her mother always gives in to her demands, and her dad gets ganged up on by mother and daughter when he tries to lay down the law. So he stays pretty neutral when things like this happen. She has already gotten 2 cars and 2 trips out of this, not to mention a face piercing, which her mother said she would never get as long as she lived in their house.
Dear Joey.
I'm afraid you aren't going to like my answer, but on the rude scale, you topped your neighbor. She was about a 1 and you were a 6 on the scale. While no one should ask a hostess if they can bring an extra guest, the neighbor girl who is OVER 18 and therefore an adult, should have been allowed to bring her boyfriend. Your son is 15 and I can understand your reasoning in not wanting kids, but you forgot that the girl next door IS an adult and to invite her to a party without allowing her to bring a date is rude because even though she's still "the little girl next door" to you, she's an adult. Either her boyfriend should have been included in the original invite or they should all have been excluded. Your neighbor even offered to bring extra food to make up for the extra person which was nice of her and the right thing to do and you were inhospitable. I'm surprised from your email that you behaved this way to a close friend and neighbor, I'm wondering if you let your dislike for this girl spill over into your relationship with her parents, but at any rate, it's done. I know it's difficult for you because your dislike of this girl is apparent even to me in such a short email, but she will leave home soon and you don't want to lose good friends because their child-rearing isn't up to your standards.You owe your neighbor an apology, and soon before you irreparably damage the friendship.
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Unfortunately, of course this isn't the answer I was looking for, but does the fact she turned 18 about 2 weeks ago make a difference? Also, her mother doesn't like her boyfriend, who is 15, and is not an adult, and am wondering if his age should be a factor, since my sons friends are also 15? Thanks for the response.
Dear Joey,
Well, actually that DOES make a difference as I presumed he would be at least 18, so that one's on me! I understand where you are coming from as I try to ban children from my parties, but when someone asks if they can bring a child(ren) I always say yes.Still, even though this brings you to a 3 instead of a 6, you still should be the one to institute the healing process. These people have been friends of yours for a long time--friends argue but they forgive--and someone has to make the first move with the olive branch. I'd suggest doing it with humor--take them a cake and tell them you brought it to them because your are having some tasty crow. It would be OK to leave in on the door when they aren't home which will keep them from being on the spot. Then let it go--you have extended an olive branch and it will be up to them to make the next move--and hopefully it will all be OK. I know you must be a good man because you didn't lambaste me when you didn't like my answer. 'This too shall pass' as someone much wiser once said, give it a little time and some baked goods and see what happens. I sincerely hope this works out for you and that you can patch things up with your neighbors!
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you so much for your help. This will guide us in the right direction. I think we will take your advice and start amends.
No wedding gift after a year
Hello,We got married last year, and a year has passed; I have about 20 guests who still have not given us a gift, and some who haven't even sent a card. Is there anything that I can say to these guests? Weddings are very expensive, esp. in NYC! Pam
Dear Greedy for Gifts.
You don't ever mention it--you take it to your grave. They must NEVER find out that the only reason they were invited to your wedding was so you could extract an expensive gift. It would be far too cruel for them to find out that you care nothing for their wanting to celebrate your joy, only for a gift you are annoyed that you have not yet received.
Appalled beyond words,
Limo Princess
Dear Greedy for Gifts.
You don't ever mention it--you take it to your grave. They must NEVER find out that the only reason they were invited to your wedding was so you could extract an expensive gift. It would be far too cruel for them to find out that you care nothing for their wanting to celebrate your joy, only for a gift you are annoyed that you have not yet received.
Appalled beyond words,
Limo Princess
Friday, May 30, 2008
Invitation to dine
Dear Limo Princess,
A invites B to dine on a specific occasion. A gets a better offer from C. A sends B a notice cancelling their date because he now has an engagement with C. A proceeds with engagement with C. Is A's conduct in accord with good manners?
Dear Richard,
Absolutely not. It is the height of bad manners to cancel an engagement because a "better" one was offered. There is only one way to cancel an engagement to go to a different engagement and it reads as follows:"I regret terribly that I have to cancel our dinner engagement as I have received an invitation to dine with the President of the United States at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."That is the only socially acceptable reason to cancel a previous social occasion to go to a different social engagement as an invitation to the White House supercedes all other social obligations. Only the ill-bred and poorly mannered would even consider canceling a previous engagement because a "better one" came along--it is the height of rudeness.
A invites B to dine on a specific occasion. A gets a better offer from C. A sends B a notice cancelling their date because he now has an engagement with C. A proceeds with engagement with C. Is A's conduct in accord with good manners?
Dear Richard,
Absolutely not. It is the height of bad manners to cancel an engagement because a "better" one was offered. There is only one way to cancel an engagement to go to a different engagement and it reads as follows:"I regret terribly that I have to cancel our dinner engagement as I have received an invitation to dine with the President of the United States at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."That is the only socially acceptable reason to cancel a previous social occasion to go to a different social engagement as an invitation to the White House supercedes all other social obligations. Only the ill-bred and poorly mannered would even consider canceling a previous engagement because a "better one" came along--it is the height of rudeness.
Wedding invitation accepted but now I can't go
Dear Limo Princess,
Have responded yes to wedding and as it getting closer to the date, we are unable to make it. what do I do?
Dear Peggy,
You should call the bride to be and tell her that you are terribly sorry but you will be unable to attend the wedding even though you though had previously accepted the invitation. Apologize profusely and tell her that you very much wanted to share her joy but that a situation has arisen that is both critical and beyond your control and that you hope she will forgive you for canceling at the last moment. You should also send a small gift even though you aren't attending the wedding since she will have to pay the caterer for your dinners whether you attend or not. It is considered extremely rude to cancel an invitation to a wedding that you have already accepted for all but the direst emergency. No reason to cancel an accepted invitation to go to a different social engagement in place of the invitation you previously accepted will do except the following:"We regret that we are unable to attend your wedding as we have been invited by the President of the United States to dinner at the White House".
Have responded yes to wedding and as it getting closer to the date, we are unable to make it. what do I do?
Dear Peggy,
You should call the bride to be and tell her that you are terribly sorry but you will be unable to attend the wedding even though you though had previously accepted the invitation. Apologize profusely and tell her that you very much wanted to share her joy but that a situation has arisen that is both critical and beyond your control and that you hope she will forgive you for canceling at the last moment. You should also send a small gift even though you aren't attending the wedding since she will have to pay the caterer for your dinners whether you attend or not. It is considered extremely rude to cancel an invitation to a wedding that you have already accepted for all but the direst emergency. No reason to cancel an accepted invitation to go to a different social engagement in place of the invitation you previously accepted will do except the following:"We regret that we are unable to attend your wedding as we have been invited by the President of the United States to dinner at the White House".
Retirement Dinner Invitations
Dear Limo Princess,
I am putting together a surprise retirement party for a physician at a rather pricey restaurant. I would like to convey to individuals they are responsible for their own cocktails and dinner. Do I put this information in the invitation, if so how do I word this without sounding rude.
Dear Michele,
If you are sending invitations then it will be assumed that you are also picking up the tab for the dinner since invited guests are exactly that--guests.The proper way to do this is to telephone the people that you wish to attend and tell them group members are all meeting at the restaurant for dinner and Dr. Smith is attending and is unaware that people will be gathering there to wish him well in retirement and that you hope they will be able to join the celebration and that you have made arrangements at the restaurant for a group of people with separate checks. Then you ask if they will be able to attend as the restaurant will need a head count.It's not a retirement party unless the medical group/hospital or whomever is picking up the bill for the event.
I am putting together a surprise retirement party for a physician at a rather pricey restaurant. I would like to convey to individuals they are responsible for their own cocktails and dinner. Do I put this information in the invitation, if so how do I word this without sounding rude.
Dear Michele,
If you are sending invitations then it will be assumed that you are also picking up the tab for the dinner since invited guests are exactly that--guests.The proper way to do this is to telephone the people that you wish to attend and tell them group members are all meeting at the restaurant for dinner and Dr. Smith is attending and is unaware that people will be gathering there to wish him well in retirement and that you hope they will be able to join the celebration and that you have made arrangements at the restaurant for a group of people with separate checks. Then you ask if they will be able to attend as the restaurant will need a head count.It's not a retirement party unless the medical group/hospital or whomever is picking up the bill for the event.
Graduate not participating in ceremony, but still graduating
Dear Limo Princess
My senior son was suspended from High School for a disciplinary infraction just three weeks before graduation. He is going to graduate, receive his diploma, and we are thankful for that. However, we were contemplating the appropriateness of having a reception to honor his achievements since he will not be able to walk through the ceremony. Is it appropriate? How would we word the invitations? It would be small to include close family and friends. Of course we can not use the expensive invitations with high school logo on them.Thanks for your advice. (I'm anxious to hear as we are talking about this school year (May 2008).
Dear LeeAnne,
A small party with close family and close friends will not be inappropriate, but I wouldn't make a giant production out of it. Send out small handwritten invitations and word them casually, something along the lines of: Dear Sue, As you know, our son John is graduating and we are having a small party to celebrate our baby getting ready to leave the nest! We hope that you and Sam can join us for the event on (date) at (time). We'd love to see you and are looking forward to catching up. Please let me know if you and Sam will be able to come!You would make no mention of the unpleasantness and of course it's up to them whether or not to bring a gift. Hope your party is a success!
Limo Princess
My senior son was suspended from High School for a disciplinary infraction just three weeks before graduation. He is going to graduate, receive his diploma, and we are thankful for that. However, we were contemplating the appropriateness of having a reception to honor his achievements since he will not be able to walk through the ceremony. Is it appropriate? How would we word the invitations? It would be small to include close family and friends. Of course we can not use the expensive invitations with high school logo on them.Thanks for your advice. (I'm anxious to hear as we are talking about this school year (May 2008).
Dear LeeAnne,
A small party with close family and close friends will not be inappropriate, but I wouldn't make a giant production out of it. Send out small handwritten invitations and word them casually, something along the lines of: Dear Sue, As you know, our son John is graduating and we are having a small party to celebrate our baby getting ready to leave the nest! We hope that you and Sam can join us for the event on (date) at (time). We'd love to see you and are looking forward to catching up. Please let me know if you and Sam will be able to come!You would make no mention of the unpleasantness and of course it's up to them whether or not to bring a gift. Hope your party is a success!
Limo Princess
Graduation gift for brother-in-law
Dear Limo Princess,
My brother in law is graduating from Medical School. He and my wife dont have the greatest relationship, he is always mean to her, calling her stupid and whatnot (not very mature of a med school graduate). Nevertheless, my mother-in-law wants us to give him $500 and I think that is way too much, especially to someone that would show no appreciation for it. Mike
Dear Mike,
Many doctors are arrogant asses, but this doesn't seem to keep them from being good doctors. I admire and commend your defense of your wife and sympathize with you for having a jerk for a brother-in-law.That being said, it is your Mother-in-law's money and her decision so she has every right to give him whatever amount she wants for his med school graduation. You, however, can enjoy the knowledge that he is probably $250,000.00 in debt with student loans and will have to work like a dog for the next 3-5 years (48 hour shifts) with his internship and residency and will be AT LEAST 300K in the hole when he is finally finished training. Let him have the $500--believe me he needs it, and the road ahead of him is rocky--perhaps it will teach him to be a decent person too.
Blessings, Limo Princess
My brother in law is graduating from Medical School. He and my wife dont have the greatest relationship, he is always mean to her, calling her stupid and whatnot (not very mature of a med school graduate). Nevertheless, my mother-in-law wants us to give him $500 and I think that is way too much, especially to someone that would show no appreciation for it. Mike
Dear Mike,
Many doctors are arrogant asses, but this doesn't seem to keep them from being good doctors. I admire and commend your defense of your wife and sympathize with you for having a jerk for a brother-in-law.That being said, it is your Mother-in-law's money and her decision so she has every right to give him whatever amount she wants for his med school graduation. You, however, can enjoy the knowledge that he is probably $250,000.00 in debt with student loans and will have to work like a dog for the next 3-5 years (48 hour shifts) with his internship and residency and will be AT LEAST 300K in the hole when he is finally finished training. Let him have the $500--believe me he needs it, and the road ahead of him is rocky--perhaps it will teach him to be a decent person too.
Blessings, Limo Princess
clean hands!
Dear Limo Princess,
How do you tell a grown adult who is your employer that youre uncomfortable with her habits such as this wiping her nose thing with her fingers and touching Everything ...even food! , coughing in the open air... even in the kitchen!, leaving snotty tissues Everywhere, etc. She's always "sick" too. go figure! i dont want to get sick or have these germs on me or in my food either. and i dont want to be following her tracks with a disinfectant all day either! ive tried things like asking "do you need a tissue?" or even just handing her one. ive also expressed my discomfort with having to "run away" from her in the kitchen with the food in hand and covered. the whole habit just grosses me out. how do i communicate the need for stopping this "snotty" behavior in a way thats respectful as she is only human, twice my age, my employer, and housemate?
ANSWER: Oh dear--you have a dilemma don't you? I can only tell you what I would do and that would be:First, I'd find a video on sanitation and then sit down and watch it with her in the hopes that the message will sink in and she will change her ways. This probably won't work, but it lays the groundwork if you must go further--so if it doesn't work, thenI'd sit her down and talk to her gently but firmly and tell her that you are terribly fond of her and don't wish to hurt her feelings and that you have nothing but love in your heart and you must tell her this because you are concerned that she is always sick but you know that if she will listen to you that you can help her not be sick any more. Tell her you believe that the reason she is sick all the time is because of her not washing her hands. It's a medical fact that if you wash your hands six times a day, you will never be sick. Tell her that you want her to live a long and healthy life and that if she follows your advice that is indeed what will happen. Put out some pump bottles of sanitizing gel and tell her that you are worried that if she catches e.coli/whatever that she might not recover from it and you don't want that to happen. Explain to her that covering your mouth when you cough/sneeze and washing your hands after will prevent others from getting sick which will increase productivity at the office. Don't make it a personal attack, as it's the behavior not the person that needs to be addressed. I must tell you that you might want to update your resume and be prepared to move--but I don't think you can live/work around this too much longer judging from the tone of you plea for help.You could also do an intervention as a last resort before you move out and find a new job if it comes to that. I can tell that you are fond of her from the tone of your query and hopefully she will take this in the spirit in which it is intended.
Good Luck! Limo Princess
How do you tell a grown adult who is your employer that youre uncomfortable with her habits such as this wiping her nose thing with her fingers and touching Everything ...even food! , coughing in the open air... even in the kitchen!, leaving snotty tissues Everywhere, etc. She's always "sick" too. go figure! i dont want to get sick or have these germs on me or in my food either. and i dont want to be following her tracks with a disinfectant all day either! ive tried things like asking "do you need a tissue?" or even just handing her one. ive also expressed my discomfort with having to "run away" from her in the kitchen with the food in hand and covered. the whole habit just grosses me out. how do i communicate the need for stopping this "snotty" behavior in a way thats respectful as she is only human, twice my age, my employer, and housemate?
ANSWER: Oh dear--you have a dilemma don't you? I can only tell you what I would do and that would be:First, I'd find a video on sanitation and then sit down and watch it with her in the hopes that the message will sink in and she will change her ways. This probably won't work, but it lays the groundwork if you must go further--so if it doesn't work, thenI'd sit her down and talk to her gently but firmly and tell her that you are terribly fond of her and don't wish to hurt her feelings and that you have nothing but love in your heart and you must tell her this because you are concerned that she is always sick but you know that if she will listen to you that you can help her not be sick any more. Tell her you believe that the reason she is sick all the time is because of her not washing her hands. It's a medical fact that if you wash your hands six times a day, you will never be sick. Tell her that you want her to live a long and healthy life and that if she follows your advice that is indeed what will happen. Put out some pump bottles of sanitizing gel and tell her that you are worried that if she catches e.coli/whatever that she might not recover from it and you don't want that to happen. Explain to her that covering your mouth when you cough/sneeze and washing your hands after will prevent others from getting sick which will increase productivity at the office. Don't make it a personal attack, as it's the behavior not the person that needs to be addressed. I must tell you that you might want to update your resume and be prepared to move--but I don't think you can live/work around this too much longer judging from the tone of you plea for help.You could also do an intervention as a last resort before you move out and find a new job if it comes to that. I can tell that you are fond of her from the tone of your query and hopefully she will take this in the spirit in which it is intended.
Good Luck! Limo Princess
High School Graduation Open House Attendance and Gifts
With neighbors, should I invite them as a courtesy to OUR open houses even if we are not friends. We are not enemies, but if the rule is to invite only those with a close relationship, do I still invite them as a courtesy only? Thank you again for your help.
ANSWER: The basic rule of thumb in life is to invite people that you like and wish to spend time with. If your neighbors are in this group, invite them. If they aren't, you are not under social obligation to them simply because they bought the house next to you. I personally like my neighbors--I think they are lovely people and I invite them to things because they are so terrific about getting my mail and watering my plants when I travel. I also bring them a little gift from everywhere I go as a thank you for all they do for me. My neighbors on the other side wouldn't know me if they fell over me so they aren't on my guest list.
FOLLOW-UP --QUESTION: You have been incredibly helpful in all of this. I would like to specifically ask another question. Even though I've passed on your input to him regarding the attendance of the neighbors' invite, he still wants to go with one of our children without me. The one neighbor has been to his podiatry office a few times with one of their children, so he feels obligated to go, even though we have no social or real neighborly friendship-type relationship. I told him I would be very upset if he went without me and feel this would make me look bad. I just flat out don't want to go. This girl has never spoken one sentence to us and has gone out of her way not to be friendly. Am I justified in how I am feeling, and would it be wrong for my husband to go without me? I feel like he always looks like the good guy. I am not trying to be mean, but we have no close connection with either neighbor and I feel like we are either just being use for a money gift or for courtesy only. Please help! Thank you.
ANSWER: Ahhhh my dear--you witheld pertinent information--you bad girl!! You didn't mention that he was a patient of your husband's medical practice, that makes it different--and you are right, if hubby goes and you don't it will make you look bad. You're going to have to take one for the team. Hubby is obligated to go because he does have a professional relationship with the neighbor. You should make an appearance with your husband because this neighbor considers your husband to be a friend, and by extension so are you. Since your husband wishes to attend anyway, I'm going to tell you how to be perfectly polite and still not have to spend a lot of time at the party. When you arrive with your husband, you go to the host and the graduate and you say to them: "I have the most horrible migraine, but I didn't want to miss your lovely party. I want to congratulate you on your graduation and wish you continued future success." Then you walk away and find the hostess and tell her that you are crestfallen but you must leave her party because your head is about to explode from the terrible migraine, but you wanted to thank her for inviting you and apologize for having to leave so soon, and then you leave. You will have been perfectly polite and you will get points for walking through the door when you were suffering. This should take about 5 minutes and although it's a total waste of makeup, you will have avoided slighting one of your husband's patients who no doubt refers your husband to friends. Times being what they are those referrals can be quite rewarding.
FOLLOW-UP--QUESTION: Although I don't want to, I will attend as you suggested, because I really do want to do the right thing. The only thing I can't do is lie and say I have a migraine. I'll just go and make the best of it. Thanks again for all of your advice. I really do appreciate it, and you have been incredibly helpful.
Answer:
LOL I'll send you my daughter's phone number. Talking to her ALWAYS give me a headache-I'm willing to be incredibly generous and share her with you.....10 minutes before the party--one little phone call and your head will feel like someone whacked you with a sledge hammer.
ANSWER: The basic rule of thumb in life is to invite people that you like and wish to spend time with. If your neighbors are in this group, invite them. If they aren't, you are not under social obligation to them simply because they bought the house next to you. I personally like my neighbors--I think they are lovely people and I invite them to things because they are so terrific about getting my mail and watering my plants when I travel. I also bring them a little gift from everywhere I go as a thank you for all they do for me. My neighbors on the other side wouldn't know me if they fell over me so they aren't on my guest list.
FOLLOW-UP --QUESTION: You have been incredibly helpful in all of this. I would like to specifically ask another question. Even though I've passed on your input to him regarding the attendance of the neighbors' invite, he still wants to go with one of our children without me. The one neighbor has been to his podiatry office a few times with one of their children, so he feels obligated to go, even though we have no social or real neighborly friendship-type relationship. I told him I would be very upset if he went without me and feel this would make me look bad. I just flat out don't want to go. This girl has never spoken one sentence to us and has gone out of her way not to be friendly. Am I justified in how I am feeling, and would it be wrong for my husband to go without me? I feel like he always looks like the good guy. I am not trying to be mean, but we have no close connection with either neighbor and I feel like we are either just being use for a money gift or for courtesy only. Please help! Thank you.
ANSWER: Ahhhh my dear--you witheld pertinent information--you bad girl!! You didn't mention that he was a patient of your husband's medical practice, that makes it different--and you are right, if hubby goes and you don't it will make you look bad. You're going to have to take one for the team. Hubby is obligated to go because he does have a professional relationship with the neighbor. You should make an appearance with your husband because this neighbor considers your husband to be a friend, and by extension so are you. Since your husband wishes to attend anyway, I'm going to tell you how to be perfectly polite and still not have to spend a lot of time at the party. When you arrive with your husband, you go to the host and the graduate and you say to them: "I have the most horrible migraine, but I didn't want to miss your lovely party. I want to congratulate you on your graduation and wish you continued future success." Then you walk away and find the hostess and tell her that you are crestfallen but you must leave her party because your head is about to explode from the terrible migraine, but you wanted to thank her for inviting you and apologize for having to leave so soon, and then you leave. You will have been perfectly polite and you will get points for walking through the door when you were suffering. This should take about 5 minutes and although it's a total waste of makeup, you will have avoided slighting one of your husband's patients who no doubt refers your husband to friends. Times being what they are those referrals can be quite rewarding.
FOLLOW-UP--QUESTION: Although I don't want to, I will attend as you suggested, because I really do want to do the right thing. The only thing I can't do is lie and say I have a migraine. I'll just go and make the best of it. Thanks again for all of your advice. I really do appreciate it, and you have been incredibly helpful.
Answer:
LOL I'll send you my daughter's phone number. Talking to her ALWAYS give me a headache-I'm willing to be incredibly generous and share her with you.....10 minutes before the party--one little phone call and your head will feel like someone whacked you with a sledge hammer.
death of spouse while going through a divorce
Hello,What is the proper way to address the loss of a spouse when the couple was in the middle of a divorce? Should I still send a sympathy card to the surviving spouse? What is the proper thing to say? Amy
Dear Amy,
Oh my--this is a sticky one isn't it? I think it would depend upon whether or not it was a friendly divorce. If it was an acrimonious divorce, then send the sympathy note to the children (if any) but not to the surviving spouse (assuming that she is not a suspect). Hallmark doesn't make a card for this, so send it in letter form on your personal stationery. If it was a friendly divorce and/or they were parents, then a carefully worded card would be OK. I would word it something like, "I'm sorry to hear of John's passing, even though you two were divorcing, I know you must be grieving too."Do the standard offer of "If I can help you in any way......" and let it go at that.
Limo Princess
Dear Amy,
Oh my--this is a sticky one isn't it? I think it would depend upon whether or not it was a friendly divorce. If it was an acrimonious divorce, then send the sympathy note to the children (if any) but not to the surviving spouse (assuming that she is not a suspect). Hallmark doesn't make a card for this, so send it in letter form on your personal stationery. If it was a friendly divorce and/or they were parents, then a carefully worded card would be OK. I would word it something like, "I'm sorry to hear of John's passing, even though you two were divorcing, I know you must be grieving too."Do the standard offer of "If I can help you in any way......" and let it go at that.
Limo Princess
dinner out
My father, aged 86, died a week ago and the funeral was several days ago. The phone has been ringing nonstop with condolences. Is is proper for my husband and I to go out to dinner one week after his death?
Dear Adrienne,
Of course you can go out to dinner. Life goes on, and I am sure you are working diligently on the thank you notes for the food, flowers and condolence cards so you deserve a night out.I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Dear Adrienne,
Of course you can go out to dinner. Life goes on, and I am sure you are working diligently on the thank you notes for the food, flowers and condolence cards so you deserve a night out.I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Graduation Celebration Guest Etiquette
My husband has been the basketball/baseball coach of a few kids that are now graduating high school. Each of them is having a separate celebration of their own (not on the same day). As invited guests, how long is an appropriate time for us to stay at each celebration? Is 30 minutes too short? Is 60 minutes too long?
Thanks, Tammy
He can stay as long as he likes or leave after congratulating the graduate and wishing him/her well. If you are having a good time, then you stay--you are invited guests--if not, then you leave. There's no rule as to minimum/maximum time at a party, however if the sun is coming up and everyone has gone to bed, you may have stayed a tad too long.
Enjoy,
Limo Princess
Thanks, Tammy
He can stay as long as he likes or leave after congratulating the graduate and wishing him/her well. If you are having a good time, then you stay--you are invited guests--if not, then you leave. There's no rule as to minimum/maximum time at a party, however if the sun is coming up and everyone has gone to bed, you may have stayed a tad too long.
Enjoy,
Limo Princess
gift trip question
Hello, I am in a quandry about this situation. I just bought my husband a trip to the US Open in San Diego for Fathers Day. The trip is for two; airfare, car rental, hotel and US Open entry fees. He wants to ask a friend to go with him and charge him half the amount I paid. He figures he paid for it even tho I bought it and no one should get to go for free! I do not feel this way at all. If I get a trip, I will choose to take a friend and not dream of asking them to pay for it. If they want to buy me dinner and maybe some gas, that would be great. What do you think? Thank you for your help!
Colleen dear,Men are different in many ways from us and this situation demonstrates it perfectly. Keep in mind that with most married couples, men view all the household income as "OUR" money. Although I agree with your point of view and would do it the same way, men view this sort of thing differently than we do--and I'd bet my life that your husband presented the opportunity to his buddy along the lines of: "Hey John--I got some tickets to the US Open--wanna go with and split the cost?" to which his buddy said "Oh cool--I'm there, let me know what my half is and I'll give you a check/cash for it" because this is how men do things. It wasn't presented the way we would do it which is to say: "Jane--my husband gave me a trip for two to the spa in San Diego and I want you to come along as my guest." If a man said that to another man it would be viewed as a come-on for some unmentionable acts--it's a gender thing--and the friendship would be irreparably harmed. Close your eyes and ears to it and let it go--after all, a gift with strings isn't a gift so let him do as he wishes. This situation, like so many others, is one that causes women to shake our heads and say "MEN." in the tone we all instantly recognize and understand.
All the Best,
LimoPrincess
Colleen dear,Men are different in many ways from us and this situation demonstrates it perfectly. Keep in mind that with most married couples, men view all the household income as "OUR" money. Although I agree with your point of view and would do it the same way, men view this sort of thing differently than we do--and I'd bet my life that your husband presented the opportunity to his buddy along the lines of: "Hey John--I got some tickets to the US Open--wanna go with and split the cost?" to which his buddy said "Oh cool--I'm there, let me know what my half is and I'll give you a check/cash for it" because this is how men do things. It wasn't presented the way we would do it which is to say: "Jane--my husband gave me a trip for two to the spa in San Diego and I want you to come along as my guest." If a man said that to another man it would be viewed as a come-on for some unmentionable acts--it's a gender thing--and the friendship would be irreparably harmed. Close your eyes and ears to it and let it go--after all, a gift with strings isn't a gift so let him do as he wishes. This situation, like so many others, is one that causes women to shake our heads and say "MEN." in the tone we all instantly recognize and understand.
All the Best,
LimoPrincess
husband doesn't answer/return calls
My husband often ignores calls that come in on his cell phone from his friends. He's not necessarily busy with anything at the time, he just doesn't feel like answering or talking to them and it's not like there are that many calls. We're talking about just a few friends. One friend frequently gets annoyed at this, because not only does he ignore the calls, but doesn't even return the call in a timely manner, or at all. Last night a friend he only talks to about once a month called and he again ignored it. Tonight I asked if he ever returned the call and he said he hadn't even listened to the message yet. I told him that I thought he was being rude and I was glad he wasn't one of my friends (I didn't mean it like it sounds of course). So am I out of line to think he should answer his friend's calls, or does the availability of caller id grant us that prerogative?
Dear Danica,
As you have noticed, there are very few calls. As time goes by there will be none at all since even the most devoted friend will abandon him eventually and he has only himself to blame. It's rude not to return phone calls when people leave messages but obviously he doesn't care or he'd return the calls. When he has no friends, you will know why. His behavior is no reflection on you and you aren't responsible for him so ignore it--there's nothing you can do anyway and he will learn what I have told you already in time. Obviously you are a lovely and polite person, but there's nothing you can do without antagonizing your husband, so let it go.
Dear Danica,
As you have noticed, there are very few calls. As time goes by there will be none at all since even the most devoted friend will abandon him eventually and he has only himself to blame. It's rude not to return phone calls when people leave messages but obviously he doesn't care or he'd return the calls. When he has no friends, you will know why. His behavior is no reflection on you and you aren't responsible for him so ignore it--there's nothing you can do anyway and he will learn what I have told you already in time. Obviously you are a lovely and polite person, but there's nothing you can do without antagonizing your husband, so let it go.
Charge admission to a party?
Dear Limo Princess,
My brother and future sister in law often throw parties at their house for their friends. We talked about having a bbq there for the holiday weekend and I offered to bring whatever they would like, all she needed to do was tell me beforehand. The night before the party I received a text message stating that there would be a $15 a person charge to attend. This is not the first time she has charged for dinner but since she hasn't tried in a while I assumed she had thought the better of it. I think it's tacky and am offended. Granted, they did put in the money for the food and beer, but we would have happily brought our own beer and made or brought anything that would be asked of us. Even if they had asked us to help front the bill earlier than the night before it wouldn't have been so offensive. I am considering not attending and unsure if it is my place to bring it up to her that asking people to pay a cover to come to your house is crass. I am concerned however that left unaddressed this will be a recurring issue in our relationship. I don't want to offend but I also don't want to be resentful or find excuses why we cannot attend. Is there a way to emerge from this gracefully?
Dear Reader,
I had to read your question three times and I am still horrified that someone could be so incredibly loutish as to use a social situation as an economic enterprise. Your FUTURE sister-in-law is in desperate need of a remedial course in social graces. I am convinced she was raised by wolves that were living behind the trailer park. It is about 23 light years PAST uncouth to charge someone to come to your home when they are there by your invitation--it is just simply NOT DONE--and I am amazed that ANYONE would attend anything at her home. Most certainly you should not attend this event and as for being worried about offending her I don't think it's possible for you to offend anyone who has the absolute gall to charge people for accepting an invitation. She is beyond being offended by anything short of human sacrifice and I'm wondering about that! There is NO SITUATION where charging people to attend a social event to which they were invited to is acceptable--NONE!! It is absolutely totally socially unacceptable in any situation to do this and your brother should really reconsider marrying this woman if he wants to keep his friends and family on speaking terms with him. The only socially acceptable way to share the cost of a social event is to ask people to bring a dish of whatever you ask them to make. I've hosted potlucks which are a lot of fun because I call it a recipe exchange which everyone loves because they get to taste a lot of things and get the recipes for ones they want to make in the future. There's a name for parties people are charged to attend, they are called fundraisers. People DO attend them by invitation but know they are expected to pay to attend from the beginning, they are for whatever cause and are tax deductible. Your way out of this is to tell your crass, rude and totally socially unacceptable future sister-in-law that you only attend fundraisers for causes that are tax-deductible. This will leave her speechless and baffled and might possibly clue her into the fact that she needs to learn social graces. With any luck she will do this immediately and spare your poor brother the lifetime of embarrassment that marrying this woman will heap on him. What will happen when he invites his boss for dinner? Will she present him with a bill at the end of the evening? It's too horrible to think about the many ways this woman will socially ostracize him, but perhaps he will come to his senses and insist she learn manners.
My brother and future sister in law often throw parties at their house for their friends. We talked about having a bbq there for the holiday weekend and I offered to bring whatever they would like, all she needed to do was tell me beforehand. The night before the party I received a text message stating that there would be a $15 a person charge to attend. This is not the first time she has charged for dinner but since she hasn't tried in a while I assumed she had thought the better of it. I think it's tacky and am offended. Granted, they did put in the money for the food and beer, but we would have happily brought our own beer and made or brought anything that would be asked of us. Even if they had asked us to help front the bill earlier than the night before it wouldn't have been so offensive. I am considering not attending and unsure if it is my place to bring it up to her that asking people to pay a cover to come to your house is crass. I am concerned however that left unaddressed this will be a recurring issue in our relationship. I don't want to offend but I also don't want to be resentful or find excuses why we cannot attend. Is there a way to emerge from this gracefully?
Dear Reader,
I had to read your question three times and I am still horrified that someone could be so incredibly loutish as to use a social situation as an economic enterprise. Your FUTURE sister-in-law is in desperate need of a remedial course in social graces. I am convinced she was raised by wolves that were living behind the trailer park. It is about 23 light years PAST uncouth to charge someone to come to your home when they are there by your invitation--it is just simply NOT DONE--and I am amazed that ANYONE would attend anything at her home. Most certainly you should not attend this event and as for being worried about offending her I don't think it's possible for you to offend anyone who has the absolute gall to charge people for accepting an invitation. She is beyond being offended by anything short of human sacrifice and I'm wondering about that! There is NO SITUATION where charging people to attend a social event to which they were invited to is acceptable--NONE!! It is absolutely totally socially unacceptable in any situation to do this and your brother should really reconsider marrying this woman if he wants to keep his friends and family on speaking terms with him. The only socially acceptable way to share the cost of a social event is to ask people to bring a dish of whatever you ask them to make. I've hosted potlucks which are a lot of fun because I call it a recipe exchange which everyone loves because they get to taste a lot of things and get the recipes for ones they want to make in the future. There's a name for parties people are charged to attend, they are called fundraisers. People DO attend them by invitation but know they are expected to pay to attend from the beginning, they are for whatever cause and are tax deductible. Your way out of this is to tell your crass, rude and totally socially unacceptable future sister-in-law that you only attend fundraisers for causes that are tax-deductible. This will leave her speechless and baffled and might possibly clue her into the fact that she needs to learn social graces. With any luck she will do this immediately and spare your poor brother the lifetime of embarrassment that marrying this woman will heap on him. What will happen when he invites his boss for dinner? Will she present him with a bill at the end of the evening? It's too horrible to think about the many ways this woman will socially ostracize him, but perhaps he will come to his senses and insist she learn manners.
RSVP protocol-out of country wedding
Question:
Hello-My cousin is getting married this September in Italy,-where he lives(and was born and raised.) Many of the extended family lives in the United States. He has invited many of those family members in the states to attemd wedding in Italy. While some have said they will be going, others have been non-committal,or have said no, due to the cost and logisitics of making the trip. This is a person who visited us with his sisters many times when he was younger. This brings me to the question: What is the proper protocol for RSVPing to a wedding in a different country that involves significant travel and expense? We have received email invites, and I am still am trying to see if I can go to this September wedding. No deadline was set on the RSVP. How long is it appropriate to wait to tell the hosts I can or cannot go? The wedding is still 3 months away. Sincerely,-JohnSeattle, WA
Dear John,
Usually the wedding invitation indicates a date by which they must receive the reply, usually worded "The favour of a reply is requested by (Date)". When this is not included, at least 30 days before the wedding is when the caterer needs to have a final head count of the attendees. If the wedding is September 15, one should reply yes or no by August 15th. It sounds like a fun time, I hope you are able to attend!
Limo Princess
Hello-My cousin is getting married this September in Italy,-where he lives(and was born and raised.) Many of the extended family lives in the United States. He has invited many of those family members in the states to attemd wedding in Italy. While some have said they will be going, others have been non-committal,or have said no, due to the cost and logisitics of making the trip. This is a person who visited us with his sisters many times when he was younger. This brings me to the question: What is the proper protocol for RSVPing to a wedding in a different country that involves significant travel and expense? We have received email invites, and I am still am trying to see if I can go to this September wedding. No deadline was set on the RSVP. How long is it appropriate to wait to tell the hosts I can or cannot go? The wedding is still 3 months away. Sincerely,-JohnSeattle, WA
Dear John,
Usually the wedding invitation indicates a date by which they must receive the reply, usually worded "The favour of a reply is requested by (Date)". When this is not included, at least 30 days before the wedding is when the caterer needs to have a final head count of the attendees. If the wedding is September 15, one should reply yes or no by August 15th. It sounds like a fun time, I hope you are able to attend!
Limo Princess
response to $ received in a will
My partner just recently received some money through his grandfathers will. I want to make sure we respond the best way to say thank you. can you make some suggestions as to what should be written in a letter like this, words don't come easy at times like this. my partner although pleased about the money is also saddened that this will be the last connection to his grandad. the letter of thanks will be addressed to my partners uncle who took care of the will, he is a businessman in politics, so we don't want to come across too simple. can you help, there are no Hallmark cards for this topic I don't think the dollar value is relevant but just in case, it was less than $3000
Dear Reader,
It was your partner's grandfather's instructions that your partner be given the money and the uncle is required by probate law to follow through on it, you didn't get the money out of the goodness of his heart--he was required to give it to you. Your partner's uncle is acting as executor and is paid a fee by the estate, in most cases, for seeing that all of the terms and bequests in the will are carried out. A thank you note for the money is NOT required and should not be sent. If you wish to send a note, send one that thanks him for his service to the estate--NOT for the money--it wasn't his money and should not be mentioned.Here's how it should read:Dear Uncle Joe,I wanted to thank you for your help in probating Grandpa X's will. I know it's a difficult and time-consuming process and I appreciate the time and effort you put into carrying out Grandpa's wishes. I will never forget the time(s) we (insert experience here, i.e. went fishing,)and I miss Grandpa a lot. Hope all is well with you and we look forward to seeing you at (whenever--Christmas or the next time you will see him). Again, thank you so much for your help!Fondly, (or whatever)Your Partner's signatureThis note should be HAND-WRITTEN on your partner's personal stationery or in a blank on the inside Thank You card and mailed.My condolences on the loss of your grandfather.
Limo Princess
FOLLOW-UP thank you very much for the response, it will certainly be helpful to my partner.
I'm so glad I was able to help you and feel free to contact me again if I can be of further assistance
Dear Reader,
It was your partner's grandfather's instructions that your partner be given the money and the uncle is required by probate law to follow through on it, you didn't get the money out of the goodness of his heart--he was required to give it to you. Your partner's uncle is acting as executor and is paid a fee by the estate, in most cases, for seeing that all of the terms and bequests in the will are carried out. A thank you note for the money is NOT required and should not be sent. If you wish to send a note, send one that thanks him for his service to the estate--NOT for the money--it wasn't his money and should not be mentioned.Here's how it should read:Dear Uncle Joe,I wanted to thank you for your help in probating Grandpa X's will. I know it's a difficult and time-consuming process and I appreciate the time and effort you put into carrying out Grandpa's wishes. I will never forget the time(s) we (insert experience here, i.e. went fishing,)and I miss Grandpa a lot. Hope all is well with you and we look forward to seeing you at (whenever--Christmas or the next time you will see him). Again, thank you so much for your help!Fondly, (or whatever)Your Partner's signatureThis note should be HAND-WRITTEN on your partner's personal stationery or in a blank on the inside Thank You card and mailed.My condolences on the loss of your grandfather.
Limo Princess
FOLLOW-UP thank you very much for the response, it will certainly be helpful to my partner.
I'm so glad I was able to help you and feel free to contact me again if I can be of further assistance
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