Dear Limo Princess,
When sending a sympathy card to the wife whose husband has died, how do you address the envelop? Mrs. John Smith? Mrs. Mary Smith? Ms. Mary Smith? or some other??
Dear Martha,
Even though her husband has passed away, she is still Mrs. John Smith--unless she remarries, she will be Mrs. John Smith for the rest of her life. A divorced woman would be Mrs. Mary Smith. I assume she and her husband were friends of yours, my condolences.
Showing posts with label Advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Advice. Show all posts
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Vow Renewal
Dear Limo Princess,
My husband and I were married December 29, 2007. We were engaged in June of that year. We had initially planned on having a large wedding because of our large families, while still keeping things simple. Our biggest wish is that everyone could be there. My husband is in the military and we found out that he would be going to S. Korea and that I would not be able to come with him even if we were married. I had three weeks to plan the wedding and it was a few days after Christmas. With that said it was at the court house with a small dinner afterwards, 35 people. I loved our wedding and I am so happily married to my husband.We have not yet lived together, though we've been a couple for many years, we are only 21. We will finally live together and will be just starting out as a married couple next March. We promised our friends and families that could not come to the wedding that we would have a vow renewal so that everyone could be a part of our new marriage. We are getting ready to start planning the vow renewal. I have read many etiquette tips that say that we should have our bridal party walk down the isle with us, we shouldn't do traditional dances, and that we shouldn't register for gifts. The things that we felt we missed out on were precisely those things, and even more so, being able to have ALL of our loved ones present. My mother in law wants to plan me a bridal shower since I never got one in anticipation on the renewal. My questions are, in this particular set of circumstances would it be rude to register for gifts, have a shower, have our bridal party walk down the isle, have our traditional dances, etc? We originally were basically calling our plans for this a "re-do" but instead decided that it would be nice to renew our vows at the same time, seeing as we will have spent a year apart. What is your advice on how I should go about this? We still don't want to go over the top, we want to rent a pavilion and have the ceremony with a Reverend followed by a chicken barbecue. How should I go about this?
Jenn
Jenn dear,
First, my congratulations and know that you have my respect, it is very difficult to be a military wife! Here's how we are going to do this so that it will be perfect and so that you will get to have the wedding you missed out on. First, there won't be a bridal shower--it's too late for that one, so make up for it at the baby shower somewhere down the road. Second, set a date, rent a hall, buy a dress, pick your bridesmaids, send invitations and register for gifts at wherever you like. Third, Word the invitations something like this (if your parents or parents and in-laws) are hosting the event:
Mr.& Mrs. John Jones
and
Mr. & Mrs. James Smith
Request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception of their children,
Jennifer and ?
at half past three on Saturday the 14th of ?
at the American Legion Hall (address)
A renewal of vows will be held before the reception.
The favour of a reply is requested before ______?
If your parents or his parents are divorced/remarried/whatever or you and your husband are hosting the event let me know and I will give you the correct form for the invitation.
Congratulations sweetie and best of everything!
Limo Princess
My husband and I were married December 29, 2007. We were engaged in June of that year. We had initially planned on having a large wedding because of our large families, while still keeping things simple. Our biggest wish is that everyone could be there. My husband is in the military and we found out that he would be going to S. Korea and that I would not be able to come with him even if we were married. I had three weeks to plan the wedding and it was a few days after Christmas. With that said it was at the court house with a small dinner afterwards, 35 people. I loved our wedding and I am so happily married to my husband.We have not yet lived together, though we've been a couple for many years, we are only 21. We will finally live together and will be just starting out as a married couple next March. We promised our friends and families that could not come to the wedding that we would have a vow renewal so that everyone could be a part of our new marriage. We are getting ready to start planning the vow renewal. I have read many etiquette tips that say that we should have our bridal party walk down the isle with us, we shouldn't do traditional dances, and that we shouldn't register for gifts. The things that we felt we missed out on were precisely those things, and even more so, being able to have ALL of our loved ones present. My mother in law wants to plan me a bridal shower since I never got one in anticipation on the renewal. My questions are, in this particular set of circumstances would it be rude to register for gifts, have a shower, have our bridal party walk down the isle, have our traditional dances, etc? We originally were basically calling our plans for this a "re-do" but instead decided that it would be nice to renew our vows at the same time, seeing as we will have spent a year apart. What is your advice on how I should go about this? We still don't want to go over the top, we want to rent a pavilion and have the ceremony with a Reverend followed by a chicken barbecue. How should I go about this?
Jenn
Jenn dear,
First, my congratulations and know that you have my respect, it is very difficult to be a military wife! Here's how we are going to do this so that it will be perfect and so that you will get to have the wedding you missed out on. First, there won't be a bridal shower--it's too late for that one, so make up for it at the baby shower somewhere down the road. Second, set a date, rent a hall, buy a dress, pick your bridesmaids, send invitations and register for gifts at wherever you like. Third, Word the invitations something like this (if your parents or parents and in-laws) are hosting the event:
Mr.& Mrs. John Jones
and
Mr. & Mrs. James Smith
Request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception of their children,
Jennifer and ?
at half past three on Saturday the 14th of ?
at the American Legion Hall (address)
A renewal of vows will be held before the reception.
The favour of a reply is requested before ______?
If your parents or his parents are divorced/remarried/whatever or you and your husband are hosting the event let me know and I will give you the correct form for the invitation.
Congratulations sweetie and best of everything!
Limo Princess
Friday, June 6, 2008
Birthday Party Etiquette
Dear Limo Princess,
I am having a 30th birthday party for my husband. I am planning on paying for appetizers, how do I let the guests know that drinks and entrees are not paid for by me but are available if they choose?
Dear Tiffany,
You word the invitation along the lines of "Join us for appetizers at (wherever) from (whenever to whenever) for Husband's 30th birthday." CASH BAR This tells the invitees that only appetizers are taken care of and that they will have to pay for their own drinks. Nothing from nothing, why don't you have the party at your house--it would be MUCH cheaper than appetizers at a bar and you could theme it like a margarita party with nachos and a taco bar and a cake. It's generally considered rude to keep people through their dinner hour without substantial appetizers/food so it might work out better for you.
Have a great time!
Limo Princess
I am having a 30th birthday party for my husband. I am planning on paying for appetizers, how do I let the guests know that drinks and entrees are not paid for by me but are available if they choose?
Dear Tiffany,
You word the invitation along the lines of "Join us for appetizers at (wherever) from (whenever to whenever) for Husband's 30th birthday." CASH BAR This tells the invitees that only appetizers are taken care of and that they will have to pay for their own drinks. Nothing from nothing, why don't you have the party at your house--it would be MUCH cheaper than appetizers at a bar and you could theme it like a margarita party with nachos and a taco bar and a cake. It's generally considered rude to keep people through their dinner hour without substantial appetizers/food so it might work out better for you.
Have a great time!
Limo Princess
Wedding Gift registry
Dear LimoPrincess,
My daughter lives in New York, but her wedding will be in Florida. She and her fiance' have decided not to register for gifts and would prefer either monetary gifts, visa or mastercard gift cards. How can I express this in the gift preferences card without be insulting or tacky to our guests?
Dear Mary
You can't. It is the height of bad manners to ask for cash gifts. The upside is that since they have decided to have the wedding so far away from where the likely guests live, they won't have to worry about writing very many thank-you notes. Friends and family who do not attend the ceremony or reception are under no obligation to send gifts.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
Follow-up question:
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you for your reply, I understand the answer, but how do I adddress a registry card? In New York the standard has always been gifts at showers,monetary gifts at weddings. We have a mix of people from the south and mid west. They will ask about a gift registry,the B & G will not be registered. What do I list on the card in with the invites?
Answer:
You leave it blank, when people call and ask you tell them that the couple have not registered anywhere. You are not responsible for this--their behavior is no reflection on you, and if they don't register then they will receive gifts they may not want or find useful and they will have no one to blame but themselves. It will not increase the gift card/cash gift selection by not registering, it will just send the message that they don't want gifts. They need to register and if they don't then they will suffer the consequences. I know you are in a bad spot here and I feel for you, but if they refuse to register there's nothing you can do except let it go and they will learn the hard way. The most difficult part of being a parent is allowing your children to make preventable mistakes and then ignore you when you tell them how to avoid the consequences. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and own a franchise!
Limo Princess
My daughter lives in New York, but her wedding will be in Florida. She and her fiance' have decided not to register for gifts and would prefer either monetary gifts, visa or mastercard gift cards. How can I express this in the gift preferences card without be insulting or tacky to our guests?
Dear Mary
You can't. It is the height of bad manners to ask for cash gifts. The upside is that since they have decided to have the wedding so far away from where the likely guests live, they won't have to worry about writing very many thank-you notes. Friends and family who do not attend the ceremony or reception are under no obligation to send gifts.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
Follow-up question:
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you for your reply, I understand the answer, but how do I adddress a registry card? In New York the standard has always been gifts at showers,monetary gifts at weddings. We have a mix of people from the south and mid west. They will ask about a gift registry,the B & G will not be registered. What do I list on the card in with the invites?
Answer:
You leave it blank, when people call and ask you tell them that the couple have not registered anywhere. You are not responsible for this--their behavior is no reflection on you, and if they don't register then they will receive gifts they may not want or find useful and they will have no one to blame but themselves. It will not increase the gift card/cash gift selection by not registering, it will just send the message that they don't want gifts. They need to register and if they don't then they will suffer the consequences. I know you are in a bad spot here and I feel for you, but if they refuse to register there's nothing you can do except let it go and they will learn the hard way. The most difficult part of being a parent is allowing your children to make preventable mistakes and then ignore you when you tell them how to avoid the consequences. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and own a franchise!
Limo Princess
Birth of a Baby
Hi Limo Princess,
My best female friend's daughter is expecting next month...and as a single man, never married, no children...I now have to opportunity to be in attendance at the birth of her child. However, it's very unlikely that I will be in the birthing room...witnessing the event. It is very likely that I will be the only male in attendance. What is the protocol for someone like me...should I bring flowers, etc??? I am very very close to the family and the pregnant young lady and I want to do my best.Thanks!Ron P.S. I know I am probably in the wrong section...maybe you can point me in a right one! Ron
Dear Ron,
No, you are OK here, I can help you. The very best gift that is appreciated more than anything these days is disposable diapers for the baby. You don't need to bring anything to the actual birth, the mother will be exhausted and then drugged and the father is the one to hand out the traditional cigars. If you are invited to the bris or christening then of course you bring a gift for the baby, a savings bond is a traditional christening gift. Flowers for the mother would be nice as she will be in the hospital for a couple of days depending on whether or not they have to do a c-section--but you would treat this like any other hospitalization except the flowers would be more congratulatory than 'get well' type. I hope this answers your question, if you need further assistance let me know!
All the Best,
Limo Princess
My best female friend's daughter is expecting next month...and as a single man, never married, no children...I now have to opportunity to be in attendance at the birth of her child. However, it's very unlikely that I will be in the birthing room...witnessing the event. It is very likely that I will be the only male in attendance. What is the protocol for someone like me...should I bring flowers, etc??? I am very very close to the family and the pregnant young lady and I want to do my best.Thanks!Ron P.S. I know I am probably in the wrong section...maybe you can point me in a right one! Ron
Dear Ron,
No, you are OK here, I can help you. The very best gift that is appreciated more than anything these days is disposable diapers for the baby. You don't need to bring anything to the actual birth, the mother will be exhausted and then drugged and the father is the one to hand out the traditional cigars. If you are invited to the bris or christening then of course you bring a gift for the baby, a savings bond is a traditional christening gift. Flowers for the mother would be nice as she will be in the hospital for a couple of days depending on whether or not they have to do a c-section--but you would treat this like any other hospitalization except the flowers would be more congratulatory than 'get well' type. I hope this answers your question, if you need further assistance let me know!
All the Best,
Limo Princess
Wedding invitation to retired military
Dear Limo Princess,
What is the correct way to address an lenvelope containing a wedding invitation for a retired military person and his wife? We have retired Colonel and his wife and a retired Lt. Colonel and his wife. Thank you. Carol Jean
Dear Carol Jean,
It really depends on the person. While they are entitled to be addressed by their previous military rank, many retired military choose not to be--case in point my father-in-law who prefers to be "Mr." and not "Colonel". Either way is correct though, so fear not--you will not be committing a faux pas either way.
Have a wonderful time at the wedding!
LimoPrincess
What is the correct way to address an lenvelope containing a wedding invitation for a retired military person and his wife? We have retired Colonel and his wife and a retired Lt. Colonel and his wife. Thank you. Carol Jean
Dear Carol Jean,
It really depends on the person. While they are entitled to be addressed by their previous military rank, many retired military choose not to be--case in point my father-in-law who prefers to be "Mr." and not "Colonel". Either way is correct though, so fear not--you will not be committing a faux pas either way.
Have a wonderful time at the wedding!
LimoPrincess
Etiquette for birthday party
Dear Limo Princess,
I am turning 60, single, no significant other, small condo (unfinished in decorating-and that's my profession), have not had an entire group of friends together except for maybe a dinner party of 6 (place is too small). This would be a nice time to get all of my friends together and take my mind off of this nasty birthday. Is it too presumptuious just to have them all gather of a restaurant and I pay for the entire thing (I would not have it any other way). I cannot depend on others to maybe 'throw me a party' - and is too much to ask of friends. The tally comes to approx. 18-24 people. I am also unemployed - I might be returning all of the dinners that my friends have supplied to me - and cheer me up. Is this tacky - I hate tacky with a vengiance. Thank you for your time and response.
Dear Arlene,
I think it sounds like a lot of fun! I have a zero-ended birthday coming up in December--I know how you feel! I don't think there's anything tacky about it, my sister and brother-in-law are always doing this sort of thing in restaurants and they are always fun. Word the invitations as "Come and be my guest at (wherever)for dinner and drinks" and I think it will be a great time for everyone. One thing to be aware of--most restaurants add the tip of 18% or so right on to the check in parties over 6 or 8 so don't pay the gratuity a second time or add a bit more for superb service.Happy Birthday and many happy returns!
I am turning 60, single, no significant other, small condo (unfinished in decorating-and that's my profession), have not had an entire group of friends together except for maybe a dinner party of 6 (place is too small). This would be a nice time to get all of my friends together and take my mind off of this nasty birthday. Is it too presumptuious just to have them all gather of a restaurant and I pay for the entire thing (I would not have it any other way). I cannot depend on others to maybe 'throw me a party' - and is too much to ask of friends. The tally comes to approx. 18-24 people. I am also unemployed - I might be returning all of the dinners that my friends have supplied to me - and cheer me up. Is this tacky - I hate tacky with a vengiance. Thank you for your time and response.
Dear Arlene,
I think it sounds like a lot of fun! I have a zero-ended birthday coming up in December--I know how you feel! I don't think there's anything tacky about it, my sister and brother-in-law are always doing this sort of thing in restaurants and they are always fun. Word the invitations as "Come and be my guest at (wherever)for dinner and drinks" and I think it will be a great time for everyone. One thing to be aware of--most restaurants add the tip of 18% or so right on to the check in parties over 6 or 8 so don't pay the gratuity a second time or add a bit more for superb service.Happy Birthday and many happy returns!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Graduation Parties
Dear Limo Princess,
If you have a graduation party (for High School) that is more formal and not an open house, what is the etiquette for gifts? If you didn't write anything on the invite about gifts, who would and who wouldn't bring gifts? Thanks!
Dear Joe,
Graduation gifts for High School are totally optional, no one is required or expected to bring a gift even though high school kids routinely use graduation as an opportunity to shamelessly fish for gifts. Mom and Dad might come up with a gift and maybe Grandma or Aunt Betty, but it's not a requirement--a "Congratulations" is all that is necessary to be socially proper. If someone wants to give a gift, it is entirely at their discretion and not required.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
If you have a graduation party (for High School) that is more formal and not an open house, what is the etiquette for gifts? If you didn't write anything on the invite about gifts, who would and who wouldn't bring gifts? Thanks!
Dear Joe,
Graduation gifts for High School are totally optional, no one is required or expected to bring a gift even though high school kids routinely use graduation as an opportunity to shamelessly fish for gifts. Mom and Dad might come up with a gift and maybe Grandma or Aunt Betty, but it's not a requirement--a "Congratulations" is all that is necessary to be socially proper. If someone wants to give a gift, it is entirely at their discretion and not required.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
Get together invite goes horribly wrong!!
Dear Limo Princess,
We are having a get-together for some of our family and our next door neighbors (who are really good friends) on Sunday. Saturday, our neighbor asks us out of the blue if she can have her daughters (18) boyfriend attend also, and offered to bring extra food. We wanted to keep this shindig limited to who we offered verbal invites too, so we said no. She then proceeded to get mad and upset, through out the "well we're not family card" and said they would not be attending. My wife and I were totally shocked at her actions, and would like to know if we should apologize. We have a son (15) and he was told up front he would not be allowed to have any friends over. I don't see why we should allow someone's daughter to have her boyfriend over, when we are not allowing our son to have anyone over. After all, we did not invite the boyfriend, just the mom, dad, and daughter. Should we apologize, or is an apology owed to us? This has been irritating us, and we would like to know if we were in the wrong or not. P.S. - The daughter runs this household. Anytime she wants something, she pouts and moans and mopes and throws the guilt trip around until she gets her way. Her mother always gives in to her demands, and her dad gets ganged up on by mother and daughter when he tries to lay down the law. So he stays pretty neutral when things like this happen. She has already gotten 2 cars and 2 trips out of this, not to mention a face piercing, which her mother said she would never get as long as she lived in their house.
Dear Joey.
I'm afraid you aren't going to like my answer, but on the rude scale, you topped your neighbor. She was about a 1 and you were a 6 on the scale. While no one should ask a hostess if they can bring an extra guest, the neighbor girl who is OVER 18 and therefore an adult, should have been allowed to bring her boyfriend. Your son is 15 and I can understand your reasoning in not wanting kids, but you forgot that the girl next door IS an adult and to invite her to a party without allowing her to bring a date is rude because even though she's still "the little girl next door" to you, she's an adult. Either her boyfriend should have been included in the original invite or they should all have been excluded. Your neighbor even offered to bring extra food to make up for the extra person which was nice of her and the right thing to do and you were inhospitable. I'm surprised from your email that you behaved this way to a close friend and neighbor, I'm wondering if you let your dislike for this girl spill over into your relationship with her parents, but at any rate, it's done. I know it's difficult for you because your dislike of this girl is apparent even to me in such a short email, but she will leave home soon and you don't want to lose good friends because their child-rearing isn't up to your standards.You owe your neighbor an apology, and soon before you irreparably damage the friendship.
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Unfortunately, of course this isn't the answer I was looking for, but does the fact she turned 18 about 2 weeks ago make a difference? Also, her mother doesn't like her boyfriend, who is 15, and is not an adult, and am wondering if his age should be a factor, since my sons friends are also 15? Thanks for the response.
Dear Joey,
Well, actually that DOES make a difference as I presumed he would be at least 18, so that one's on me! I understand where you are coming from as I try to ban children from my parties, but when someone asks if they can bring a child(ren) I always say yes.Still, even though this brings you to a 3 instead of a 6, you still should be the one to institute the healing process. These people have been friends of yours for a long time--friends argue but they forgive--and someone has to make the first move with the olive branch. I'd suggest doing it with humor--take them a cake and tell them you brought it to them because your are having some tasty crow. It would be OK to leave in on the door when they aren't home which will keep them from being on the spot. Then let it go--you have extended an olive branch and it will be up to them to make the next move--and hopefully it will all be OK. I know you must be a good man because you didn't lambaste me when you didn't like my answer. 'This too shall pass' as someone much wiser once said, give it a little time and some baked goods and see what happens. I sincerely hope this works out for you and that you can patch things up with your neighbors!
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you so much for your help. This will guide us in the right direction. I think we will take your advice and start amends.
We are having a get-together for some of our family and our next door neighbors (who are really good friends) on Sunday. Saturday, our neighbor asks us out of the blue if she can have her daughters (18) boyfriend attend also, and offered to bring extra food. We wanted to keep this shindig limited to who we offered verbal invites too, so we said no. She then proceeded to get mad and upset, through out the "well we're not family card" and said they would not be attending. My wife and I were totally shocked at her actions, and would like to know if we should apologize. We have a son (15) and he was told up front he would not be allowed to have any friends over. I don't see why we should allow someone's daughter to have her boyfriend over, when we are not allowing our son to have anyone over. After all, we did not invite the boyfriend, just the mom, dad, and daughter. Should we apologize, or is an apology owed to us? This has been irritating us, and we would like to know if we were in the wrong or not. P.S. - The daughter runs this household. Anytime she wants something, she pouts and moans and mopes and throws the guilt trip around until she gets her way. Her mother always gives in to her demands, and her dad gets ganged up on by mother and daughter when he tries to lay down the law. So he stays pretty neutral when things like this happen. She has already gotten 2 cars and 2 trips out of this, not to mention a face piercing, which her mother said she would never get as long as she lived in their house.
Dear Joey.
I'm afraid you aren't going to like my answer, but on the rude scale, you topped your neighbor. She was about a 1 and you were a 6 on the scale. While no one should ask a hostess if they can bring an extra guest, the neighbor girl who is OVER 18 and therefore an adult, should have been allowed to bring her boyfriend. Your son is 15 and I can understand your reasoning in not wanting kids, but you forgot that the girl next door IS an adult and to invite her to a party without allowing her to bring a date is rude because even though she's still "the little girl next door" to you, she's an adult. Either her boyfriend should have been included in the original invite or they should all have been excluded. Your neighbor even offered to bring extra food to make up for the extra person which was nice of her and the right thing to do and you were inhospitable. I'm surprised from your email that you behaved this way to a close friend and neighbor, I'm wondering if you let your dislike for this girl spill over into your relationship with her parents, but at any rate, it's done. I know it's difficult for you because your dislike of this girl is apparent even to me in such a short email, but she will leave home soon and you don't want to lose good friends because their child-rearing isn't up to your standards.You owe your neighbor an apology, and soon before you irreparably damage the friendship.
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Unfortunately, of course this isn't the answer I was looking for, but does the fact she turned 18 about 2 weeks ago make a difference? Also, her mother doesn't like her boyfriend, who is 15, and is not an adult, and am wondering if his age should be a factor, since my sons friends are also 15? Thanks for the response.
Dear Joey,
Well, actually that DOES make a difference as I presumed he would be at least 18, so that one's on me! I understand where you are coming from as I try to ban children from my parties, but when someone asks if they can bring a child(ren) I always say yes.Still, even though this brings you to a 3 instead of a 6, you still should be the one to institute the healing process. These people have been friends of yours for a long time--friends argue but they forgive--and someone has to make the first move with the olive branch. I'd suggest doing it with humor--take them a cake and tell them you brought it to them because your are having some tasty crow. It would be OK to leave in on the door when they aren't home which will keep them from being on the spot. Then let it go--you have extended an olive branch and it will be up to them to make the next move--and hopefully it will all be OK. I know you must be a good man because you didn't lambaste me when you didn't like my answer. 'This too shall pass' as someone much wiser once said, give it a little time and some baked goods and see what happens. I sincerely hope this works out for you and that you can patch things up with your neighbors!
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you so much for your help. This will guide us in the right direction. I think we will take your advice and start amends.
No wedding gift after a year
Hello,We got married last year, and a year has passed; I have about 20 guests who still have not given us a gift, and some who haven't even sent a card. Is there anything that I can say to these guests? Weddings are very expensive, esp. in NYC! Pam
Dear Greedy for Gifts.
You don't ever mention it--you take it to your grave. They must NEVER find out that the only reason they were invited to your wedding was so you could extract an expensive gift. It would be far too cruel for them to find out that you care nothing for their wanting to celebrate your joy, only for a gift you are annoyed that you have not yet received.
Appalled beyond words,
Limo Princess
Dear Greedy for Gifts.
You don't ever mention it--you take it to your grave. They must NEVER find out that the only reason they were invited to your wedding was so you could extract an expensive gift. It would be far too cruel for them to find out that you care nothing for their wanting to celebrate your joy, only for a gift you are annoyed that you have not yet received.
Appalled beyond words,
Limo Princess
Friday, May 30, 2008
Invitation to dine
Dear Limo Princess,
A invites B to dine on a specific occasion. A gets a better offer from C. A sends B a notice cancelling their date because he now has an engagement with C. A proceeds with engagement with C. Is A's conduct in accord with good manners?
Dear Richard,
Absolutely not. It is the height of bad manners to cancel an engagement because a "better" one was offered. There is only one way to cancel an engagement to go to a different engagement and it reads as follows:"I regret terribly that I have to cancel our dinner engagement as I have received an invitation to dine with the President of the United States at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."That is the only socially acceptable reason to cancel a previous social occasion to go to a different social engagement as an invitation to the White House supercedes all other social obligations. Only the ill-bred and poorly mannered would even consider canceling a previous engagement because a "better one" came along--it is the height of rudeness.
A invites B to dine on a specific occasion. A gets a better offer from C. A sends B a notice cancelling their date because he now has an engagement with C. A proceeds with engagement with C. Is A's conduct in accord with good manners?
Dear Richard,
Absolutely not. It is the height of bad manners to cancel an engagement because a "better" one was offered. There is only one way to cancel an engagement to go to a different engagement and it reads as follows:"I regret terribly that I have to cancel our dinner engagement as I have received an invitation to dine with the President of the United States at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."That is the only socially acceptable reason to cancel a previous social occasion to go to a different social engagement as an invitation to the White House supercedes all other social obligations. Only the ill-bred and poorly mannered would even consider canceling a previous engagement because a "better one" came along--it is the height of rudeness.
How to deal with racist comments
Dear Limo Princess,
My MiL's partner occasionally makes the same comment about how amazed he is that I can speak English so well...I've been polite & responded that I am an American so there is nothing special about my speaking English. I've voiced this to my husband & he said not to be offended by it as the man is 80 years old & doesn't mean what he says; MiL told hubby she noticed the comments as well, but it's no use correcting him as he will forget what we said in 10 minutes. I'm a little worried as I was coerced into inviting this man to an important family event (MiL assumed they were both invited) & wonder how I should deal with it if it is repeated? I have kicked myself in the past for not being prepared to deal with the racist comments.
Dear Katherine,
Remarking to someone that their command of the English language is excellent is not a racist comment. A racist comment would be "You speak English so well for a (insert ethnic slur here)" and THEN you would have every right to be offended. So few people speak the language correctly these days that it is refreshing to come across someone who is well-spoken. Many people are very quick to take offense when none is intended, which is not to say that you were wrong, I wasn't there, so I must let your interpretation of the remark stand.A far more serious issue is that you assume that you can leave out your mother in law's companion when you invite her to a family event. You can tell your mother in law that your invitation to her does not include her partner, however, when you invite one half of a couple and not the other half, it will be you that will be serious breach of etiquette, and she will have every right to be offended. When you invite one member of a couple, it is assumed that the other member is also invited unless it is a gender specific event such as a bachelor party. So, unless you are prepared to deal with your mother in law's distress at being left out of the party you are stuck and I am sympathetic to your plight, but good manners dictate that you cannot invite one-half of a couple to a family social event.You have two options if this man makes rude remarks at your party and they are:1. Ignore them and consider the source as I am sure your other guests will do, or2. Politely ask him to leave.A lady never makes a scene. If wish to ask him to leave your party, have your husband go to him and ask to speak to him privately outside. Once outside, your husband asks him to leave, hands him his hat an coat and turns and walks back inside the party venue. Hopefully it will not come to that, but if it does, that is the proper way to handle it.I hope that your party is a success and that all goes well.Please feel free to contact me if I can be of further assistance and again, chin up and take the high road!
Best of Luck, Limo Princess
My MiL's partner occasionally makes the same comment about how amazed he is that I can speak English so well...I've been polite & responded that I am an American so there is nothing special about my speaking English. I've voiced this to my husband & he said not to be offended by it as the man is 80 years old & doesn't mean what he says; MiL told hubby she noticed the comments as well, but it's no use correcting him as he will forget what we said in 10 minutes. I'm a little worried as I was coerced into inviting this man to an important family event (MiL assumed they were both invited) & wonder how I should deal with it if it is repeated? I have kicked myself in the past for not being prepared to deal with the racist comments.
Dear Katherine,
Remarking to someone that their command of the English language is excellent is not a racist comment. A racist comment would be "You speak English so well for a (insert ethnic slur here)" and THEN you would have every right to be offended. So few people speak the language correctly these days that it is refreshing to come across someone who is well-spoken. Many people are very quick to take offense when none is intended, which is not to say that you were wrong, I wasn't there, so I must let your interpretation of the remark stand.A far more serious issue is that you assume that you can leave out your mother in law's companion when you invite her to a family event. You can tell your mother in law that your invitation to her does not include her partner, however, when you invite one half of a couple and not the other half, it will be you that will be serious breach of etiquette, and she will have every right to be offended. When you invite one member of a couple, it is assumed that the other member is also invited unless it is a gender specific event such as a bachelor party. So, unless you are prepared to deal with your mother in law's distress at being left out of the party you are stuck and I am sympathetic to your plight, but good manners dictate that you cannot invite one-half of a couple to a family social event.You have two options if this man makes rude remarks at your party and they are:1. Ignore them and consider the source as I am sure your other guests will do, or2. Politely ask him to leave.A lady never makes a scene. If wish to ask him to leave your party, have your husband go to him and ask to speak to him privately outside. Once outside, your husband asks him to leave, hands him his hat an coat and turns and walks back inside the party venue. Hopefully it will not come to that, but if it does, that is the proper way to handle it.I hope that your party is a success and that all goes well.Please feel free to contact me if I can be of further assistance and again, chin up and take the high road!
Best of Luck, Limo Princess
Sweet 16 invites- only want to have adults & teens
Dear Limo Princess,
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Dear Theresa,
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Dear Theresa,
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.
selling a gift, got busted!
Hello Limo Princess,
I have an etiquette question that is keeping me up at night...I am currently selling a lot of my knick-knacks and other things on E-bay. I am trying to declutter,raise money for a trip as well as pay for graduation gifts for a niece and nephew. My sisters-in-law found that I was selling something one of them gave me 5-6 years ago, and were very unhappy about it. They bid on the item and sent a few harsh comments my way via e-mail. I tried to call and talk to one of them about this, and she basically said it is something she would like to have to complete a collection and also that she wants to give it to her daughter, my niece. She said she was perfectly willing to rebuy it back, even though she had given it to me. She also said they did not mean anything by the threatening e-mails. ACKKK! She even stated that she just bid for the fun of it. I canceled the auction. I have no idea if my niece really wants this item, or if it's just my sister-in-law "yanking my chain"...but being as my niece is about to go to college, I was going to give her a check for whatever money I made on this, and a few other items I'm selling. Is there any way I can save face in this situation? I had actually thought selling the item, to benefit someone was a good thing, but I was obviously wrong. I also thought gifts are given as gifts and not expected back someday. How do I give this item to my niece? I'm sure my sisters-in-law have discussed this in front of her. Help!
Sincerely Yours, Marion
Dear Marion,
You poor thing! You kept this item for several years and since it's a knick-knack, obviously it's not something they gave you out of great sentiment for a special occasion. It's not like you are selling the family silver for heaven's sake, so stop beating yourself up over it. It was yours to do with as you pleased and if you want to sell it, that's entirely up to you. People sell things that other people gave them all the time--I traded in the car my dad bought me for my 16th birthday--nothing lasts forever. I could understand their behavior if it was a priceless family heirloom with tons of sentimental value--like great-grandma's diamond engagement ring; but not a little knick-knack. Re-gifting is a different matter, but that's not what happened here. The correct thing to do, now that your sisters-in-law have beaten you to death, would be to ask your niece if she truly wants this item, and if she does then give it to her with all the best wishes and tell the story at every holiday of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless family gift and laugh about it--as will everyone else--at your sisters-in-law.Now, I will address the egregious behavior of your sisters-in-law who are absolutely out of line here. They gave you a gift without mentioning that it came with strings attached, not because they thought you would enjoy it, and expected you to store it forever and be slobberingly grateful for the priviledge. A gift that is given with strings attached is not a gift at all, and your sisters-in-law are actually the ones out of line here, not you. It would behoove them greatly to get a better understanding of what a "gift" is and then for them to badger you because you are selling something they wanted--THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU AS A GIFT--without consulting them is reprehensible. They are absolutely in the wrong to try to guilt you into giving back their gift and still claim it was a gift to you. They can't have it both ways, and to distress you to this degree is unforgivable and I hope that your niece is a better person than your sisters-in-law and that they are present every time you tell the story of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless gift.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
I have an etiquette question that is keeping me up at night...I am currently selling a lot of my knick-knacks and other things on E-bay. I am trying to declutter,raise money for a trip as well as pay for graduation gifts for a niece and nephew. My sisters-in-law found that I was selling something one of them gave me 5-6 years ago, and were very unhappy about it. They bid on the item and sent a few harsh comments my way via e-mail. I tried to call and talk to one of them about this, and she basically said it is something she would like to have to complete a collection and also that she wants to give it to her daughter, my niece. She said she was perfectly willing to rebuy it back, even though she had given it to me. She also said they did not mean anything by the threatening e-mails. ACKKK! She even stated that she just bid for the fun of it. I canceled the auction. I have no idea if my niece really wants this item, or if it's just my sister-in-law "yanking my chain"...but being as my niece is about to go to college, I was going to give her a check for whatever money I made on this, and a few other items I'm selling. Is there any way I can save face in this situation? I had actually thought selling the item, to benefit someone was a good thing, but I was obviously wrong. I also thought gifts are given as gifts and not expected back someday. How do I give this item to my niece? I'm sure my sisters-in-law have discussed this in front of her. Help!
Sincerely Yours, Marion
Dear Marion,
You poor thing! You kept this item for several years and since it's a knick-knack, obviously it's not something they gave you out of great sentiment for a special occasion. It's not like you are selling the family silver for heaven's sake, so stop beating yourself up over it. It was yours to do with as you pleased and if you want to sell it, that's entirely up to you. People sell things that other people gave them all the time--I traded in the car my dad bought me for my 16th birthday--nothing lasts forever. I could understand their behavior if it was a priceless family heirloom with tons of sentimental value--like great-grandma's diamond engagement ring; but not a little knick-knack. Re-gifting is a different matter, but that's not what happened here. The correct thing to do, now that your sisters-in-law have beaten you to death, would be to ask your niece if she truly wants this item, and if she does then give it to her with all the best wishes and tell the story at every holiday of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless family gift and laugh about it--as will everyone else--at your sisters-in-law.Now, I will address the egregious behavior of your sisters-in-law who are absolutely out of line here. They gave you a gift without mentioning that it came with strings attached, not because they thought you would enjoy it, and expected you to store it forever and be slobberingly grateful for the priviledge. A gift that is given with strings attached is not a gift at all, and your sisters-in-law are actually the ones out of line here, not you. It would behoove them greatly to get a better understanding of what a "gift" is and then for them to badger you because you are selling something they wanted--THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU AS A GIFT--without consulting them is reprehensible. They are absolutely in the wrong to try to guilt you into giving back their gift and still claim it was a gift to you. They can't have it both ways, and to distress you to this degree is unforgivable and I hope that your niece is a better person than your sisters-in-law and that they are present every time you tell the story of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless gift.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
Wedding invitation accepted but now I can't go
Dear Limo Princess,
Have responded yes to wedding and as it getting closer to the date, we are unable to make it. what do I do?
Dear Peggy,
You should call the bride to be and tell her that you are terribly sorry but you will be unable to attend the wedding even though you though had previously accepted the invitation. Apologize profusely and tell her that you very much wanted to share her joy but that a situation has arisen that is both critical and beyond your control and that you hope she will forgive you for canceling at the last moment. You should also send a small gift even though you aren't attending the wedding since she will have to pay the caterer for your dinners whether you attend or not. It is considered extremely rude to cancel an invitation to a wedding that you have already accepted for all but the direst emergency. No reason to cancel an accepted invitation to go to a different social engagement in place of the invitation you previously accepted will do except the following:"We regret that we are unable to attend your wedding as we have been invited by the President of the United States to dinner at the White House".
Have responded yes to wedding and as it getting closer to the date, we are unable to make it. what do I do?
Dear Peggy,
You should call the bride to be and tell her that you are terribly sorry but you will be unable to attend the wedding even though you though had previously accepted the invitation. Apologize profusely and tell her that you very much wanted to share her joy but that a situation has arisen that is both critical and beyond your control and that you hope she will forgive you for canceling at the last moment. You should also send a small gift even though you aren't attending the wedding since she will have to pay the caterer for your dinners whether you attend or not. It is considered extremely rude to cancel an invitation to a wedding that you have already accepted for all but the direst emergency. No reason to cancel an accepted invitation to go to a different social engagement in place of the invitation you previously accepted will do except the following:"We regret that we are unable to attend your wedding as we have been invited by the President of the United States to dinner at the White House".
Retirement Dinner Invitations
Dear Limo Princess,
I am putting together a surprise retirement party for a physician at a rather pricey restaurant. I would like to convey to individuals they are responsible for their own cocktails and dinner. Do I put this information in the invitation, if so how do I word this without sounding rude.
Dear Michele,
If you are sending invitations then it will be assumed that you are also picking up the tab for the dinner since invited guests are exactly that--guests.The proper way to do this is to telephone the people that you wish to attend and tell them group members are all meeting at the restaurant for dinner and Dr. Smith is attending and is unaware that people will be gathering there to wish him well in retirement and that you hope they will be able to join the celebration and that you have made arrangements at the restaurant for a group of people with separate checks. Then you ask if they will be able to attend as the restaurant will need a head count.It's not a retirement party unless the medical group/hospital or whomever is picking up the bill for the event.
I am putting together a surprise retirement party for a physician at a rather pricey restaurant. I would like to convey to individuals they are responsible for their own cocktails and dinner. Do I put this information in the invitation, if so how do I word this without sounding rude.
Dear Michele,
If you are sending invitations then it will be assumed that you are also picking up the tab for the dinner since invited guests are exactly that--guests.The proper way to do this is to telephone the people that you wish to attend and tell them group members are all meeting at the restaurant for dinner and Dr. Smith is attending and is unaware that people will be gathering there to wish him well in retirement and that you hope they will be able to join the celebration and that you have made arrangements at the restaurant for a group of people with separate checks. Then you ask if they will be able to attend as the restaurant will need a head count.It's not a retirement party unless the medical group/hospital or whomever is picking up the bill for the event.
Death of my doctors child
Dear Limo Princess,
My cardiologist, whom I've known for a decade or more has been pregnant with her second child over this past year. After delivery the baby developed complications and lingered in deteriorating health for three long months till he passed a week or so, ago. Although we are not close on a social basis, and aside from her obvious condition during her pregnancy and prior conversations about the new birth, baby names, its sex, how excited the sibling was etc. - she has not spoken about it since she has returned to her work after giving birth. She is in her early 30s and I in my late 80s. Our relationship is mostly professional, but she is dear to me on some level. She owns some of my art work and we have corresponded frequently over the years. I would like to express my condolence but know not how or the proper response, if any. Any help would be appreciated.
Kindest regards, Benno
Dear Benno,
A note from the heart will mean more to her than anything. I have tears in my eyes just from reading about your relationship and I am sure that you can write a note expressing your sympathy and support and it will mean a lot to her. Write it on your stationery in your own hand and mail it to her at home if you know the address and at her office if you don't. There are no words that will ease her heart at this time, but knowing that there are people who care enough to send a note will help her heal.
Sincerely,
Limo Princess
My cardiologist, whom I've known for a decade or more has been pregnant with her second child over this past year. After delivery the baby developed complications and lingered in deteriorating health for three long months till he passed a week or so, ago. Although we are not close on a social basis, and aside from her obvious condition during her pregnancy and prior conversations about the new birth, baby names, its sex, how excited the sibling was etc. - she has not spoken about it since she has returned to her work after giving birth. She is in her early 30s and I in my late 80s. Our relationship is mostly professional, but she is dear to me on some level. She owns some of my art work and we have corresponded frequently over the years. I would like to express my condolence but know not how or the proper response, if any. Any help would be appreciated.
Kindest regards, Benno
Dear Benno,
A note from the heart will mean more to her than anything. I have tears in my eyes just from reading about your relationship and I am sure that you can write a note expressing your sympathy and support and it will mean a lot to her. Write it on your stationery in your own hand and mail it to her at home if you know the address and at her office if you don't. There are no words that will ease her heart at this time, but knowing that there are people who care enough to send a note will help her heal.
Sincerely,
Limo Princess
"save the date" for birthday
Hi Limo Princess,
My children and I are planning a surprise 75th birthday party for my husband. It will be an evening of dinner and dancing at a restaurant/banquet venue for about 50 - 60 peopole. Some family and friends live several states away.Is it proper to send a "save the date" anouncement for a birthday party?If so, what about wording?
Thank you.
Mary
Dear Mary;
Absolutely--just send a "save the date" card and then the invitations about a month ahead so people can get reasonable plane fares. You can get "save the date" cards at many places and then fill them out and inside write "Fred's 75th birthday party".That should do it--and it sounds like a blast!! Have a great time and here's another hint--Wal-mart makes gorgeous wedding cakes and occasion cakes for MUCH less than anywhere and they are delicious! I got my wedding cake there--it was so beautiful--no one would believe it came from Wal-mart, it wasdelicious and it was $78!!
Absolutely--just send a "save the date" card and then the invitations about a month ahead so people can get reasonable plane fares. You can get "save the date" cards at many places and then fill them out and inside write "Fred's 75th birthday party".That should do it--and it sounds like a blast!! Have a great time and here's another hint--Wal-mart makes gorgeous wedding cakes and occasion cakes for MUCH less than anywhere and they are delicious! I got my wedding cake there--it was so beautiful--no one would believe it came from Wal-mart, it wasdelicious and it was $78!!
Graduate not participating in ceremony, but still graduating
Dear Limo Princess
My senior son was suspended from High School for a disciplinary infraction just three weeks before graduation. He is going to graduate, receive his diploma, and we are thankful for that. However, we were contemplating the appropriateness of having a reception to honor his achievements since he will not be able to walk through the ceremony. Is it appropriate? How would we word the invitations? It would be small to include close family and friends. Of course we can not use the expensive invitations with high school logo on them.Thanks for your advice. (I'm anxious to hear as we are talking about this school year (May 2008).
Dear LeeAnne,
A small party with close family and close friends will not be inappropriate, but I wouldn't make a giant production out of it. Send out small handwritten invitations and word them casually, something along the lines of: Dear Sue, As you know, our son John is graduating and we are having a small party to celebrate our baby getting ready to leave the nest! We hope that you and Sam can join us for the event on (date) at (time). We'd love to see you and are looking forward to catching up. Please let me know if you and Sam will be able to come!You would make no mention of the unpleasantness and of course it's up to them whether or not to bring a gift. Hope your party is a success!
Limo Princess
My senior son was suspended from High School for a disciplinary infraction just three weeks before graduation. He is going to graduate, receive his diploma, and we are thankful for that. However, we were contemplating the appropriateness of having a reception to honor his achievements since he will not be able to walk through the ceremony. Is it appropriate? How would we word the invitations? It would be small to include close family and friends. Of course we can not use the expensive invitations with high school logo on them.Thanks for your advice. (I'm anxious to hear as we are talking about this school year (May 2008).
Dear LeeAnne,
A small party with close family and close friends will not be inappropriate, but I wouldn't make a giant production out of it. Send out small handwritten invitations and word them casually, something along the lines of: Dear Sue, As you know, our son John is graduating and we are having a small party to celebrate our baby getting ready to leave the nest! We hope that you and Sam can join us for the event on (date) at (time). We'd love to see you and are looking forward to catching up. Please let me know if you and Sam will be able to come!You would make no mention of the unpleasantness and of course it's up to them whether or not to bring a gift. Hope your party is a success!
Limo Princess
Dear Limo Princess,
My great-niece is being baptized at the Baptist Church. Is it proper etiquette to send a gift or a card? This was an invited event.
Answer:
If there is a celebration after the ceremony at the home of the parents, then a small gift would be appropriate, but in the case of an infant, the gift should be something for the future such as a savings bond. It's in the baby's name and placed inside the card. If it's merely the church ceremony then it's optional whether or not you send a gift--and entirely up to you.
Congratulations on the new arrival!
Limo Princess
My great-niece is being baptized at the Baptist Church. Is it proper etiquette to send a gift or a card? This was an invited event.
Answer:
If there is a celebration after the ceremony at the home of the parents, then a small gift would be appropriate, but in the case of an infant, the gift should be something for the future such as a savings bond. It's in the baby's name and placed inside the card. If it's merely the church ceremony then it's optional whether or not you send a gift--and entirely up to you.
Congratulations on the new arrival!
Limo Princess
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