Get together invite goes horribly wrong!!

Dear Limo Princess,
We are having a get-together for some of our family and our next door neighbors (who are really good friends) on Sunday. Saturday, our neighbor asks us out of the blue if she can have her daughters (18) boyfriend attend also, and offered to bring extra food. We wanted to keep this shindig limited to who we offered verbal invites too, so we said no. She then proceeded to get mad and upset, through out the "well we're not family card" and said they would not be attending. My wife and I were totally shocked at her actions, and would like to know if we should apologize. We have a son (15) and he was told up front he would not be allowed to have any friends over. I don't see why we should allow someone's daughter to have her boyfriend over, when we are not allowing our son to have anyone over. After all, we did not invite the boyfriend, just the mom, dad, and daughter. Should we apologize, or is an apology owed to us? This has been irritating us, and we would like to know if we were in the wrong or not. P.S. - The daughter runs this household. Anytime she wants something, she pouts and moans and mopes and throws the guilt trip around until she gets her way. Her mother always gives in to her demands, and her dad gets ganged up on by mother and daughter when he tries to lay down the law. So he stays pretty neutral when things like this happen. She has already gotten 2 cars and 2 trips out of this, not to mention a face piercing, which her mother said she would never get as long as she lived in their house.

Dear Joey.
I'm afraid you aren't going to like my answer, but on the rude scale, you topped your neighbor. She was about a 1 and you were a 6 on the scale. While no one should ask a hostess if they can bring an extra guest, the neighbor girl who is OVER 18 and therefore an adult, should have been allowed to bring her boyfriend. Your son is 15 and I can understand your reasoning in not wanting kids, but you forgot that the girl next door IS an adult and to invite her to a party without allowing her to bring a date is rude because even though she's still "the little girl next door" to you, she's an adult. Either her boyfriend should have been included in the original invite or they should all have been excluded. Your neighbor even offered to bring extra food to make up for the extra person which was nice of her and the right thing to do and you were inhospitable. I'm surprised from your email that you behaved this way to a close friend and neighbor, I'm wondering if you let your dislike for this girl spill over into your relationship with her parents, but at any rate, it's done. I know it's difficult for you because your dislike of this girl is apparent even to me in such a short email, but she will leave home soon and you don't want to lose good friends because their child-rearing isn't up to your standards.You owe your neighbor an apology, and soon before you irreparably damage the friendship.
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Unfortunately, of course this isn't the answer I was looking for, but does the fact she turned 18 about 2 weeks ago make a difference? Also, her mother doesn't like her boyfriend, who is 15, and is not an adult, and am wondering if his age should be a factor, since my sons friends are also 15? Thanks for the response.

Dear Joey,
Well, actually that DOES make a difference as I presumed he would be at least 18, so that one's on me! I understand where you are coming from as I try to ban children from my parties, but when someone asks if they can bring a child(ren) I always say yes.Still, even though this brings you to a 3 instead of a 6, you still should be the one to institute the healing process. These people have been friends of yours for a long time--friends argue but they forgive--and someone has to make the first move with the olive branch. I'd suggest doing it with humor--take them a cake and tell them you brought it to them because your are having some tasty crow. It would be OK to leave in on the door when they aren't home which will keep them from being on the spot. Then let it go--you have extended an olive branch and it will be up to them to make the next move--and hopefully it will all be OK. I know you must be a good man because you didn't lambaste me when you didn't like my answer. 'This too shall pass' as someone much wiser once said, give it a little time and some baked goods and see what happens. I sincerely hope this works out for you and that you can patch things up with your neighbors!

FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you so much for your help. This will guide us in the right direction. I think we will take your advice and start amends.

Wedding invitation accepted but now I can't go

Dear Limo Princess,
Have responded yes to wedding and as it getting closer to the date, we are unable to make it. what do I do?

Dear Peggy,
You should call the bride to be and tell her that you are terribly sorry but you will be unable to attend the wedding even though you though had previously accepted the invitation. Apologize profusely and tell her that you very much wanted to share her joy but that a situation has arisen that is both critical and beyond your control and that you hope she will forgive you for canceling at the last moment. You should also send a small gift even though you aren't attending the wedding since she will have to pay the caterer for your dinners whether you attend or not. It is considered extremely rude to cancel an invitation to a wedding that you have already accepted for all but the direst emergency. No reason to cancel an accepted invitation to go to a different social engagement in place of the invitation you previously accepted will do except the following:"We regret that we are unable to attend your wedding as we have been invited by the President of the United States to dinner at the White House".

miscarriage

Dear Limo Princess,
My sister-in-law and brother recently had a miscarriage...is it appropriate to send a gift basket (i.e. favorite snacks, flowers) i live across the country but want them to know i am thinking of them-but do not want to seem tacky.

Answer:
Send a handwritten condolence letter from the heart. Do not use any phrase such as "there will be other babies" as that sounds so patronizing, but a sincere letter from the heart written in your hand on nice stationary will mean more than anything. Don't send a basket--she probably has baby things she can't bear to look at right now. Take her to lunch the next time you are there visiting--when she's physically recovered or for a pedicure--and if she wants to talk about it, just listen. Phone her and let her bring it up and again, just listen, and if she doesn't mention it then don't either. This will mean more to her than anything. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess

Graduation parties

Question:
We are the parents of a high school senior who does not want to have a graduation party. We and our son have received invitations to 4 of his friend's parties. Are we supposed to bring a gift, even though we have a graduating senior ourselves?
Answer:
It is entirely up to you if you want to bring a gift or not. High School grads are notorious for sending tons of announcements to fish for gifts--it's reprehensible in my view. If you ATTEND a party for a grad then you should take a gift of your choosing--something like a savings bond would be OK--or whatever is in your budget. If you don't attend a party then you are not obligated for a gift unless you want to give one. It's sort of like the wedding gift if you go to the reception--even if your child is getting married the next week, you still take a gift.
Blessings, Limo Princess

Engagement Gifts

Question:
My daughter is getting engaged soon. We'd like to know if it is proper and/or customary for her to get her boyfriend an engagement gift. Thank you.

Answer:
In the last few years, women have started giving their fiance an engagement ring, but it's by no means a common practice or expected. If she wants to and can afford it, fine, and if not, it's not a breach of etiquette.

Wedding invitation--sort of?

I received an emailed wedding invitation, about a week before the wedding, addressed to a business group, rather than to me as an individual. The "cover email" states that the sender knows that the wedding is scheduled on a holiday weekend, so the sender wants us to be with our families, however, we can view the wedding on a website. The sender also included the sender's home address as an attachment. I have never received a wedding invitation of this sort. The person sending it is also a business acquaintance with substantial ability to dictate regarding my job. I assume that I am to send a gift?Thanks. Confused
Answer:
If one does not attend a wedding, then one is under no obligation to send a gift. The only exception is when you are close friends of trhe bride or groom and you WANT to send a gift.

death of spouse while going through a divorce

Hello,What is the proper way to address the loss of a spouse when the couple was in the middle of a divorce? Should I still send a sympathy card to the surviving spouse? What is the proper thing to say? Amy

Dear Amy,
Oh my--this is a sticky one isn't it? I think it would depend upon whether or not it was a friendly divorce. If it was an acrimonious divorce, then send the sympathy note to the children (if any) but not to the surviving spouse (assuming that she is not a suspect). Hallmark doesn't make a card for this, so send it in letter form on your personal stationery. If it was a friendly divorce and/or they were parents, then a carefully worded card would be OK. I would word it something like, "I'm sorry to hear of John's passing, even though you two were divorcing, I know you must be grieving too."Do the standard offer of "If I can help you in any way......" and let it go at that.
Limo Princess

dinner out

My father, aged 86, died a week ago and the funeral was several days ago. The phone has been ringing nonstop with condolences. Is is proper for my husband and I to go out to dinner one week after his death?

Dear Adrienne,
Of course you can go out to dinner. Life goes on, and I am sure you are working diligently on the thank you notes for the food, flowers and condolence cards so you deserve a night out.I am terribly sorry for your loss.

Graduation Celebration Guest Etiquette

My husband has been the basketball/baseball coach of a few kids that are now graduating high school. Each of them is having a separate celebration of their own (not on the same day). As invited guests, how long is an appropriate time for us to stay at each celebration? Is 30 minutes too short? Is 60 minutes too long?
Thanks, Tammy

He can stay as long as he likes or leave after congratulating the graduate and wishing him/her well. If you are having a good time, then you stay--you are invited guests--if not, then you leave. There's no rule as to minimum/maximum time at a party, however if the sun is coming up and everyone has gone to bed, you may have stayed a tad too long.
Enjoy,
Limo Princess

husband doesn't answer/return calls

My husband often ignores calls that come in on his cell phone from his friends. He's not necessarily busy with anything at the time, he just doesn't feel like answering or talking to them and it's not like there are that many calls. We're talking about just a few friends. One friend frequently gets annoyed at this, because not only does he ignore the calls, but doesn't even return the call in a timely manner, or at all. Last night a friend he only talks to about once a month called and he again ignored it. Tonight I asked if he ever returned the call and he said he hadn't even listened to the message yet. I told him that I thought he was being rude and I was glad he wasn't one of my friends (I didn't mean it like it sounds of course). So am I out of line to think he should answer his friend's calls, or does the availability of caller id grant us that prerogative?

Dear Danica,
As you have noticed, there are very few calls. As time goes by there will be none at all since even the most devoted friend will abandon him eventually and he has only himself to blame. It's rude not to return phone calls when people leave messages but obviously he doesn't care or he'd return the calls. When he has no friends, you will know why. His behavior is no reflection on you and you aren't responsible for him so ignore it--there's nothing you can do anyway and he will learn what I have told you already in time. Obviously you are a lovely and polite person, but there's nothing you can do without antagonizing your husband, so let it go.

RSVP protocol-out of country wedding

Question:
Hello-My cousin is getting married this September in Italy,-where he lives(and was born and raised.) Many of the extended family lives in the United States. He has invited many of those family members in the states to attemd wedding in Italy. While some have said they will be going, others have been non-committal,or have said no, due to the cost and logisitics of making the trip. This is a person who visited us with his sisters many times when he was younger. This brings me to the question: What is the proper protocol for RSVPing to a wedding in a different country that involves significant travel and expense? We have received email invites, and I am still am trying to see if I can go to this September wedding. No deadline was set on the RSVP. How long is it appropriate to wait to tell the hosts I can or cannot go? The wedding is still 3 months away. Sincerely,-JohnSeattle, WA

Dear John,
Usually the wedding invitation indicates a date by which they must receive the reply, usually worded "The favour of a reply is requested by (Date)". When this is not included, at least 30 days before the wedding is when the caterer needs to have a final head count of the attendees. If the wedding is September 15, one should reply yes or no by August 15th. It sounds like a fun time, I hope you are able to attend!
Limo Princess

response to $ received in a will

My partner just recently received some money through his grandfathers will. I want to make sure we respond the best way to say thank you. can you make some suggestions as to what should be written in a letter like this, words don't come easy at times like this. my partner although pleased about the money is also saddened that this will be the last connection to his grandad. the letter of thanks will be addressed to my partners uncle who took care of the will, he is a businessman in politics, so we don't want to come across too simple. can you help, there are no Hallmark cards for this topic I don't think the dollar value is relevant but just in case, it was less than $3000

Dear Reader,
It was your partner's grandfather's instructions that your partner be given the money and the uncle is required by probate law to follow through on it, you didn't get the money out of the goodness of his heart--he was required to give it to you. Your partner's uncle is acting as executor and is paid a fee by the estate, in most cases, for seeing that all of the terms and bequests in the will are carried out. A thank you note for the money is NOT required and should not be sent. If you wish to send a note, send one that thanks him for his service to the estate--NOT for the money--it wasn't his money and should not be mentioned.Here's how it should read:Dear Uncle Joe,I wanted to thank you for your help in probating Grandpa X's will. I know it's a difficult and time-consuming process and I appreciate the time and effort you put into carrying out Grandpa's wishes. I will never forget the time(s) we (insert experience here, i.e. went fishing,)and I miss Grandpa a lot. Hope all is well with you and we look forward to seeing you at (whenever--Christmas or the next time you will see him). Again, thank you so much for your help!Fondly, (or whatever)Your Partner's signatureThis note should be HAND-WRITTEN on your partner's personal stationery or in a blank on the inside Thank You card and mailed.My condolences on the loss of your grandfather.
Limo Princess

FOLLOW-UP thank you very much for the response, it will certainly be helpful to my partner.

I'm so glad I was able to help you and feel free to contact me again if I can be of further assistance