Dear Limo Princess,
When sending a sympathy card to the wife whose husband has died, how do you address the envelop? Mrs. John Smith? Mrs. Mary Smith? Ms. Mary Smith? or some other??
Dear Martha,
Even though her husband has passed away, she is still Mrs. John Smith--unless she remarries, she will be Mrs. John Smith for the rest of her life. A divorced woman would be Mrs. Mary Smith. I assume she and her husband were friends of yours, my condolences.
Showing posts with label etiquette. Show all posts
Showing posts with label etiquette. Show all posts
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Invitation to a funeral service
Dear Limo Princess,
Is it proper to invite people to a funeral? Who's supposed to send out said invitation, if it were? Should one RSVP?
Chongkie
Dear Chongkie,
You do not send invitations to a funeral. It will be announced in the newspapers and you will telephone people to tell them when the service will be. At the service, you will circulate and issue verbal invitations to return to wherever the post-funeral meal will be--usually at the home of the deceased. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess
Is it proper to invite people to a funeral? Who's supposed to send out said invitation, if it were? Should one RSVP?
Chongkie
Dear Chongkie,
You do not send invitations to a funeral. It will be announced in the newspapers and you will telephone people to tell them when the service will be. At the service, you will circulate and issue verbal invitations to return to wherever the post-funeral meal will be--usually at the home of the deceased. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess
Birth of a Baby
Hi Limo Princess,
My best female friend's daughter is expecting next month...and as a single man, never married, no children...I now have to opportunity to be in attendance at the birth of her child. However, it's very unlikely that I will be in the birthing room...witnessing the event. It is very likely that I will be the only male in attendance. What is the protocol for someone like me...should I bring flowers, etc??? I am very very close to the family and the pregnant young lady and I want to do my best.Thanks!Ron P.S. I know I am probably in the wrong section...maybe you can point me in a right one! Ron
Dear Ron,
No, you are OK here, I can help you. The very best gift that is appreciated more than anything these days is disposable diapers for the baby. You don't need to bring anything to the actual birth, the mother will be exhausted and then drugged and the father is the one to hand out the traditional cigars. If you are invited to the bris or christening then of course you bring a gift for the baby, a savings bond is a traditional christening gift. Flowers for the mother would be nice as she will be in the hospital for a couple of days depending on whether or not they have to do a c-section--but you would treat this like any other hospitalization except the flowers would be more congratulatory than 'get well' type. I hope this answers your question, if you need further assistance let me know!
All the Best,
Limo Princess
My best female friend's daughter is expecting next month...and as a single man, never married, no children...I now have to opportunity to be in attendance at the birth of her child. However, it's very unlikely that I will be in the birthing room...witnessing the event. It is very likely that I will be the only male in attendance. What is the protocol for someone like me...should I bring flowers, etc??? I am very very close to the family and the pregnant young lady and I want to do my best.Thanks!Ron P.S. I know I am probably in the wrong section...maybe you can point me in a right one! Ron
Dear Ron,
No, you are OK here, I can help you. The very best gift that is appreciated more than anything these days is disposable diapers for the baby. You don't need to bring anything to the actual birth, the mother will be exhausted and then drugged and the father is the one to hand out the traditional cigars. If you are invited to the bris or christening then of course you bring a gift for the baby, a savings bond is a traditional christening gift. Flowers for the mother would be nice as she will be in the hospital for a couple of days depending on whether or not they have to do a c-section--but you would treat this like any other hospitalization except the flowers would be more congratulatory than 'get well' type. I hope this answers your question, if you need further assistance let me know!
All the Best,
Limo Princess
Friday, May 30, 2008
Invitation to dine
Dear Limo Princess,
A invites B to dine on a specific occasion. A gets a better offer from C. A sends B a notice cancelling their date because he now has an engagement with C. A proceeds with engagement with C. Is A's conduct in accord with good manners?
Dear Richard,
Absolutely not. It is the height of bad manners to cancel an engagement because a "better" one was offered. There is only one way to cancel an engagement to go to a different engagement and it reads as follows:"I regret terribly that I have to cancel our dinner engagement as I have received an invitation to dine with the President of the United States at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."That is the only socially acceptable reason to cancel a previous social occasion to go to a different social engagement as an invitation to the White House supercedes all other social obligations. Only the ill-bred and poorly mannered would even consider canceling a previous engagement because a "better one" came along--it is the height of rudeness.
A invites B to dine on a specific occasion. A gets a better offer from C. A sends B a notice cancelling their date because he now has an engagement with C. A proceeds with engagement with C. Is A's conduct in accord with good manners?
Dear Richard,
Absolutely not. It is the height of bad manners to cancel an engagement because a "better" one was offered. There is only one way to cancel an engagement to go to a different engagement and it reads as follows:"I regret terribly that I have to cancel our dinner engagement as I have received an invitation to dine with the President of the United States at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."That is the only socially acceptable reason to cancel a previous social occasion to go to a different social engagement as an invitation to the White House supercedes all other social obligations. Only the ill-bred and poorly mannered would even consider canceling a previous engagement because a "better one" came along--it is the height of rudeness.
Sweet 16 invites- only want to have adults & teens
Dear Limo Princess,
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Dear Theresa,
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Dear Theresa,
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.
selling a gift, got busted!
Hello Limo Princess,
I have an etiquette question that is keeping me up at night...I am currently selling a lot of my knick-knacks and other things on E-bay. I am trying to declutter,raise money for a trip as well as pay for graduation gifts for a niece and nephew. My sisters-in-law found that I was selling something one of them gave me 5-6 years ago, and were very unhappy about it. They bid on the item and sent a few harsh comments my way via e-mail. I tried to call and talk to one of them about this, and she basically said it is something she would like to have to complete a collection and also that she wants to give it to her daughter, my niece. She said she was perfectly willing to rebuy it back, even though she had given it to me. She also said they did not mean anything by the threatening e-mails. ACKKK! She even stated that she just bid for the fun of it. I canceled the auction. I have no idea if my niece really wants this item, or if it's just my sister-in-law "yanking my chain"...but being as my niece is about to go to college, I was going to give her a check for whatever money I made on this, and a few other items I'm selling. Is there any way I can save face in this situation? I had actually thought selling the item, to benefit someone was a good thing, but I was obviously wrong. I also thought gifts are given as gifts and not expected back someday. How do I give this item to my niece? I'm sure my sisters-in-law have discussed this in front of her. Help!
Sincerely Yours, Marion
Dear Marion,
You poor thing! You kept this item for several years and since it's a knick-knack, obviously it's not something they gave you out of great sentiment for a special occasion. It's not like you are selling the family silver for heaven's sake, so stop beating yourself up over it. It was yours to do with as you pleased and if you want to sell it, that's entirely up to you. People sell things that other people gave them all the time--I traded in the car my dad bought me for my 16th birthday--nothing lasts forever. I could understand their behavior if it was a priceless family heirloom with tons of sentimental value--like great-grandma's diamond engagement ring; but not a little knick-knack. Re-gifting is a different matter, but that's not what happened here. The correct thing to do, now that your sisters-in-law have beaten you to death, would be to ask your niece if she truly wants this item, and if she does then give it to her with all the best wishes and tell the story at every holiday of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless family gift and laugh about it--as will everyone else--at your sisters-in-law.Now, I will address the egregious behavior of your sisters-in-law who are absolutely out of line here. They gave you a gift without mentioning that it came with strings attached, not because they thought you would enjoy it, and expected you to store it forever and be slobberingly grateful for the priviledge. A gift that is given with strings attached is not a gift at all, and your sisters-in-law are actually the ones out of line here, not you. It would behoove them greatly to get a better understanding of what a "gift" is and then for them to badger you because you are selling something they wanted--THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU AS A GIFT--without consulting them is reprehensible. They are absolutely in the wrong to try to guilt you into giving back their gift and still claim it was a gift to you. They can't have it both ways, and to distress you to this degree is unforgivable and I hope that your niece is a better person than your sisters-in-law and that they are present every time you tell the story of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless gift.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
I have an etiquette question that is keeping me up at night...I am currently selling a lot of my knick-knacks and other things on E-bay. I am trying to declutter,raise money for a trip as well as pay for graduation gifts for a niece and nephew. My sisters-in-law found that I was selling something one of them gave me 5-6 years ago, and were very unhappy about it. They bid on the item and sent a few harsh comments my way via e-mail. I tried to call and talk to one of them about this, and she basically said it is something she would like to have to complete a collection and also that she wants to give it to her daughter, my niece. She said she was perfectly willing to rebuy it back, even though she had given it to me. She also said they did not mean anything by the threatening e-mails. ACKKK! She even stated that she just bid for the fun of it. I canceled the auction. I have no idea if my niece really wants this item, or if it's just my sister-in-law "yanking my chain"...but being as my niece is about to go to college, I was going to give her a check for whatever money I made on this, and a few other items I'm selling. Is there any way I can save face in this situation? I had actually thought selling the item, to benefit someone was a good thing, but I was obviously wrong. I also thought gifts are given as gifts and not expected back someday. How do I give this item to my niece? I'm sure my sisters-in-law have discussed this in front of her. Help!
Sincerely Yours, Marion
Dear Marion,
You poor thing! You kept this item for several years and since it's a knick-knack, obviously it's not something they gave you out of great sentiment for a special occasion. It's not like you are selling the family silver for heaven's sake, so stop beating yourself up over it. It was yours to do with as you pleased and if you want to sell it, that's entirely up to you. People sell things that other people gave them all the time--I traded in the car my dad bought me for my 16th birthday--nothing lasts forever. I could understand their behavior if it was a priceless family heirloom with tons of sentimental value--like great-grandma's diamond engagement ring; but not a little knick-knack. Re-gifting is a different matter, but that's not what happened here. The correct thing to do, now that your sisters-in-law have beaten you to death, would be to ask your niece if she truly wants this item, and if she does then give it to her with all the best wishes and tell the story at every holiday of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless family gift and laugh about it--as will everyone else--at your sisters-in-law.Now, I will address the egregious behavior of your sisters-in-law who are absolutely out of line here. They gave you a gift without mentioning that it came with strings attached, not because they thought you would enjoy it, and expected you to store it forever and be slobberingly grateful for the priviledge. A gift that is given with strings attached is not a gift at all, and your sisters-in-law are actually the ones out of line here, not you. It would behoove them greatly to get a better understanding of what a "gift" is and then for them to badger you because you are selling something they wanted--THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU AS A GIFT--without consulting them is reprehensible. They are absolutely in the wrong to try to guilt you into giving back their gift and still claim it was a gift to you. They can't have it both ways, and to distress you to this degree is unforgivable and I hope that your niece is a better person than your sisters-in-law and that they are present every time you tell the story of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless gift.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
"save the date" for birthday
Hi Limo Princess,
My children and I are planning a surprise 75th birthday party for my husband. It will be an evening of dinner and dancing at a restaurant/banquet venue for about 50 - 60 peopole. Some family and friends live several states away.Is it proper to send a "save the date" anouncement for a birthday party?If so, what about wording?
Thank you.
Mary
Dear Mary;
Absolutely--just send a "save the date" card and then the invitations about a month ahead so people can get reasonable plane fares. You can get "save the date" cards at many places and then fill them out and inside write "Fred's 75th birthday party".That should do it--and it sounds like a blast!! Have a great time and here's another hint--Wal-mart makes gorgeous wedding cakes and occasion cakes for MUCH less than anywhere and they are delicious! I got my wedding cake there--it was so beautiful--no one would believe it came from Wal-mart, it wasdelicious and it was $78!!
Absolutely--just send a "save the date" card and then the invitations about a month ahead so people can get reasonable plane fares. You can get "save the date" cards at many places and then fill them out and inside write "Fred's 75th birthday party".That should do it--and it sounds like a blast!! Have a great time and here's another hint--Wal-mart makes gorgeous wedding cakes and occasion cakes for MUCH less than anywhere and they are delicious! I got my wedding cake there--it was so beautiful--no one would believe it came from Wal-mart, it wasdelicious and it was $78!!
first communion party
Dear Limo Princess,
My daughter recently made her first communion. On the week of the mass, she was very ill, so we went to church for mass and canceled her party. I would like to have a reception now that she is feeling better, but do not know how to word the invites, only asking family and close friends --but feel that the occasion should be celebrated.
Answer:
I would telephone the previously invited guests and tell them that the new date for the party has been chosen and that you are looking forward to seeing them at the event! Give them some notice--don't schedule it for 2 days from now but a reasonable amount of time and then go ahead with the celebration.
Blessings, Limo Princess
My daughter recently made her first communion. On the week of the mass, she was very ill, so we went to church for mass and canceled her party. I would like to have a reception now that she is feeling better, but do not know how to word the invites, only asking family and close friends --but feel that the occasion should be celebrated.
Answer:
I would telephone the previously invited guests and tell them that the new date for the party has been chosen and that you are looking forward to seeing them at the event! Give them some notice--don't schedule it for 2 days from now but a reasonable amount of time and then go ahead with the celebration.
Blessings, Limo Princess
clean hands!
Dear Limo Princess,
How do you tell a grown adult who is your employer that youre uncomfortable with her habits such as this wiping her nose thing with her fingers and touching Everything ...even food! , coughing in the open air... even in the kitchen!, leaving snotty tissues Everywhere, etc. She's always "sick" too. go figure! i dont want to get sick or have these germs on me or in my food either. and i dont want to be following her tracks with a disinfectant all day either! ive tried things like asking "do you need a tissue?" or even just handing her one. ive also expressed my discomfort with having to "run away" from her in the kitchen with the food in hand and covered. the whole habit just grosses me out. how do i communicate the need for stopping this "snotty" behavior in a way thats respectful as she is only human, twice my age, my employer, and housemate?
ANSWER: Oh dear--you have a dilemma don't you? I can only tell you what I would do and that would be:First, I'd find a video on sanitation and then sit down and watch it with her in the hopes that the message will sink in and she will change her ways. This probably won't work, but it lays the groundwork if you must go further--so if it doesn't work, thenI'd sit her down and talk to her gently but firmly and tell her that you are terribly fond of her and don't wish to hurt her feelings and that you have nothing but love in your heart and you must tell her this because you are concerned that she is always sick but you know that if she will listen to you that you can help her not be sick any more. Tell her you believe that the reason she is sick all the time is because of her not washing her hands. It's a medical fact that if you wash your hands six times a day, you will never be sick. Tell her that you want her to live a long and healthy life and that if she follows your advice that is indeed what will happen. Put out some pump bottles of sanitizing gel and tell her that you are worried that if she catches e.coli/whatever that she might not recover from it and you don't want that to happen. Explain to her that covering your mouth when you cough/sneeze and washing your hands after will prevent others from getting sick which will increase productivity at the office. Don't make it a personal attack, as it's the behavior not the person that needs to be addressed. I must tell you that you might want to update your resume and be prepared to move--but I don't think you can live/work around this too much longer judging from the tone of you plea for help.You could also do an intervention as a last resort before you move out and find a new job if it comes to that. I can tell that you are fond of her from the tone of your query and hopefully she will take this in the spirit in which it is intended.
Good Luck! Limo Princess
How do you tell a grown adult who is your employer that youre uncomfortable with her habits such as this wiping her nose thing with her fingers and touching Everything ...even food! , coughing in the open air... even in the kitchen!, leaving snotty tissues Everywhere, etc. She's always "sick" too. go figure! i dont want to get sick or have these germs on me or in my food either. and i dont want to be following her tracks with a disinfectant all day either! ive tried things like asking "do you need a tissue?" or even just handing her one. ive also expressed my discomfort with having to "run away" from her in the kitchen with the food in hand and covered. the whole habit just grosses me out. how do i communicate the need for stopping this "snotty" behavior in a way thats respectful as she is only human, twice my age, my employer, and housemate?
ANSWER: Oh dear--you have a dilemma don't you? I can only tell you what I would do and that would be:First, I'd find a video on sanitation and then sit down and watch it with her in the hopes that the message will sink in and she will change her ways. This probably won't work, but it lays the groundwork if you must go further--so if it doesn't work, thenI'd sit her down and talk to her gently but firmly and tell her that you are terribly fond of her and don't wish to hurt her feelings and that you have nothing but love in your heart and you must tell her this because you are concerned that she is always sick but you know that if she will listen to you that you can help her not be sick any more. Tell her you believe that the reason she is sick all the time is because of her not washing her hands. It's a medical fact that if you wash your hands six times a day, you will never be sick. Tell her that you want her to live a long and healthy life and that if she follows your advice that is indeed what will happen. Put out some pump bottles of sanitizing gel and tell her that you are worried that if she catches e.coli/whatever that she might not recover from it and you don't want that to happen. Explain to her that covering your mouth when you cough/sneeze and washing your hands after will prevent others from getting sick which will increase productivity at the office. Don't make it a personal attack, as it's the behavior not the person that needs to be addressed. I must tell you that you might want to update your resume and be prepared to move--but I don't think you can live/work around this too much longer judging from the tone of you plea for help.You could also do an intervention as a last resort before you move out and find a new job if it comes to that. I can tell that you are fond of her from the tone of your query and hopefully she will take this in the spirit in which it is intended.
Good Luck! Limo Princess
miscarriage
Dear Limo Princess,
My sister-in-law and brother recently had a miscarriage...is it appropriate to send a gift basket (i.e. favorite snacks, flowers) i live across the country but want them to know i am thinking of them-but do not want to seem tacky.
Answer:
Send a handwritten condolence letter from the heart. Do not use any phrase such as "there will be other babies" as that sounds so patronizing, but a sincere letter from the heart written in your hand on nice stationary will mean more than anything. Don't send a basket--she probably has baby things she can't bear to look at right now. Take her to lunch the next time you are there visiting--when she's physically recovered or for a pedicure--and if she wants to talk about it, just listen. Phone her and let her bring it up and again, just listen, and if she doesn't mention it then don't either. This will mean more to her than anything. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess
My sister-in-law and brother recently had a miscarriage...is it appropriate to send a gift basket (i.e. favorite snacks, flowers) i live across the country but want them to know i am thinking of them-but do not want to seem tacky.
Answer:
Send a handwritten condolence letter from the heart. Do not use any phrase such as "there will be other babies" as that sounds so patronizing, but a sincere letter from the heart written in your hand on nice stationary will mean more than anything. Don't send a basket--she probably has baby things she can't bear to look at right now. Take her to lunch the next time you are there visiting--when she's physically recovered or for a pedicure--and if she wants to talk about it, just listen. Phone her and let her bring it up and again, just listen, and if she doesn't mention it then don't either. This will mean more to her than anything. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess
Engagement Gifts
Question:
My daughter is getting engaged soon. We'd like to know if it is proper and/or customary for her to get her boyfriend an engagement gift. Thank you.
Answer:
In the last few years, women have started giving their fiance an engagement ring, but it's by no means a common practice or expected. If she wants to and can afford it, fine, and if not, it's not a breach of etiquette.
My daughter is getting engaged soon. We'd like to know if it is proper and/or customary for her to get her boyfriend an engagement gift. Thank you.
Answer:
In the last few years, women have started giving their fiance an engagement ring, but it's by no means a common practice or expected. If she wants to and can afford it, fine, and if not, it's not a breach of etiquette.
Wedding invitation--sort of?
I received an emailed wedding invitation, about a week before the wedding, addressed to a business group, rather than to me as an individual. The "cover email" states that the sender knows that the wedding is scheduled on a holiday weekend, so the sender wants us to be with our families, however, we can view the wedding on a website. The sender also included the sender's home address as an attachment. I have never received a wedding invitation of this sort. The person sending it is also a business acquaintance with substantial ability to dictate regarding my job. I assume that I am to send a gift?Thanks. Confused
Answer:
If one does not attend a wedding, then one is under no obligation to send a gift. The only exception is when you are close friends of trhe bride or groom and you WANT to send a gift.
Answer:
If one does not attend a wedding, then one is under no obligation to send a gift. The only exception is when you are close friends of trhe bride or groom and you WANT to send a gift.
25th anniversary vow renewal ceremony
Dear Limo Princess,
My Mother and stepfather live in Arkansas and have decided to renew their vows and have a ceremony in September and have asked my eldest sister to plan the event and she agreed to do so. My sister and I both live in Kansas. The problem is that there was no discussion beforehand about who would pay for everything. My mother told my sister over the phone to call our step-brother in Florida and ask him to donate money and send it to her to help pay for expenses. My sister is very upset now that she realizes that Mom is expecting her to foot the bill, but she will not say anything to my mother because my Mom is and always has been a difficult person and is hard to get along with, she is pushy and argumentative. Mom also believes herself to be an expert on etiquette. My question is this: Is it proper for parents to expect their children to pay for a ceremony like this? My sister just got through spending hundreds of dollars on a retirement party for my real father, everyone was impressed, which is why Mom probably asked her to handle this event too. My sister and her husband are not wealthy, and we kids cannot afford to pay for this extravagant event. I asked my sister if she minded if I get involved and call my mom to help straighten this out before the invitations go out and my sister said NO, she is afraid another family feud will begin. My sister is very upset about this. Should I get involved, or stay out of it? HELP !
Answer:
The only way that your sister is obligated to pay for this is if it was HER idea. It is outrageous and incredibly rude for your mother to dream up this party and expect your sister to pay for it. It sounds like the only reason they are having this party to begin with is because they are jealous that your sister gave a party for your father. Your sister should write your mother a note and tell her that while she is delighted to help plan the party, her finances are not such that she can afford to pay for it. She might want to include a couple of estimates from a caterer of about what your mother can expect to have to pay for whichever type of party that she wishes to have. She should also make it clear that she has no intention of calling your stepbrother in Florida and extorting money from him. If your mother wants to renew her vows, that's lovely but it's her party and your sister is under NO obligation whatsoever to pay for a party she was coerced into planning. If Mom wants to dance and call the tune then she also needs to pay the piper. No one has the right to make you pay for a party just because you offered to help plan it, and it is preposterous to expect her to do so.
My Mother and stepfather live in Arkansas and have decided to renew their vows and have a ceremony in September and have asked my eldest sister to plan the event and she agreed to do so. My sister and I both live in Kansas. The problem is that there was no discussion beforehand about who would pay for everything. My mother told my sister over the phone to call our step-brother in Florida and ask him to donate money and send it to her to help pay for expenses. My sister is very upset now that she realizes that Mom is expecting her to foot the bill, but she will not say anything to my mother because my Mom is and always has been a difficult person and is hard to get along with, she is pushy and argumentative. Mom also believes herself to be an expert on etiquette. My question is this: Is it proper for parents to expect their children to pay for a ceremony like this? My sister just got through spending hundreds of dollars on a retirement party for my real father, everyone was impressed, which is why Mom probably asked her to handle this event too. My sister and her husband are not wealthy, and we kids cannot afford to pay for this extravagant event. I asked my sister if she minded if I get involved and call my mom to help straighten this out before the invitations go out and my sister said NO, she is afraid another family feud will begin. My sister is very upset about this. Should I get involved, or stay out of it? HELP !
Answer:
The only way that your sister is obligated to pay for this is if it was HER idea. It is outrageous and incredibly rude for your mother to dream up this party and expect your sister to pay for it. It sounds like the only reason they are having this party to begin with is because they are jealous that your sister gave a party for your father. Your sister should write your mother a note and tell her that while she is delighted to help plan the party, her finances are not such that she can afford to pay for it. She might want to include a couple of estimates from a caterer of about what your mother can expect to have to pay for whichever type of party that she wishes to have. She should also make it clear that she has no intention of calling your stepbrother in Florida and extorting money from him. If your mother wants to renew her vows, that's lovely but it's her party and your sister is under NO obligation whatsoever to pay for a party she was coerced into planning. If Mom wants to dance and call the tune then she also needs to pay the piper. No one has the right to make you pay for a party just because you offered to help plan it, and it is preposterous to expect her to do so.
Visitors entering the Master bedroom
How appropriate is it for someone/relative to enter the master bedroom of a home without being invited?
It is incredibly rude!! The MBR is totally off limits to any guest unless they are specifically invited in by the hostess WHILE SHE IS IN THE ROOM. If they are houseguests, they knock in the morning and wait to be acknowledged and invited in before entering. At a dinner party or other non-overnight event, no polite person EVER enters the master bedroom without a specific invitation. The only exception to this is if it is a one-bedroom apartment and you must go through the bedroom to use the bathroom. Relatives are a slightly different matter, but they should still respect the sanctity of the MBR.
It is incredibly rude!! The MBR is totally off limits to any guest unless they are specifically invited in by the hostess WHILE SHE IS IN THE ROOM. If they are houseguests, they knock in the morning and wait to be acknowledged and invited in before entering. At a dinner party or other non-overnight event, no polite person EVER enters the master bedroom without a specific invitation. The only exception to this is if it is a one-bedroom apartment and you must go through the bedroom to use the bathroom. Relatives are a slightly different matter, but they should still respect the sanctity of the MBR.
High School Graduation Open House Attendance and Gifts
With neighbors, should I invite them as a courtesy to OUR open houses even if we are not friends. We are not enemies, but if the rule is to invite only those with a close relationship, do I still invite them as a courtesy only? Thank you again for your help.
ANSWER: The basic rule of thumb in life is to invite people that you like and wish to spend time with. If your neighbors are in this group, invite them. If they aren't, you are not under social obligation to them simply because they bought the house next to you. I personally like my neighbors--I think they are lovely people and I invite them to things because they are so terrific about getting my mail and watering my plants when I travel. I also bring them a little gift from everywhere I go as a thank you for all they do for me. My neighbors on the other side wouldn't know me if they fell over me so they aren't on my guest list.
FOLLOW-UP --QUESTION: You have been incredibly helpful in all of this. I would like to specifically ask another question. Even though I've passed on your input to him regarding the attendance of the neighbors' invite, he still wants to go with one of our children without me. The one neighbor has been to his podiatry office a few times with one of their children, so he feels obligated to go, even though we have no social or real neighborly friendship-type relationship. I told him I would be very upset if he went without me and feel this would make me look bad. I just flat out don't want to go. This girl has never spoken one sentence to us and has gone out of her way not to be friendly. Am I justified in how I am feeling, and would it be wrong for my husband to go without me? I feel like he always looks like the good guy. I am not trying to be mean, but we have no close connection with either neighbor and I feel like we are either just being use for a money gift or for courtesy only. Please help! Thank you.
ANSWER: Ahhhh my dear--you witheld pertinent information--you bad girl!! You didn't mention that he was a patient of your husband's medical practice, that makes it different--and you are right, if hubby goes and you don't it will make you look bad. You're going to have to take one for the team. Hubby is obligated to go because he does have a professional relationship with the neighbor. You should make an appearance with your husband because this neighbor considers your husband to be a friend, and by extension so are you. Since your husband wishes to attend anyway, I'm going to tell you how to be perfectly polite and still not have to spend a lot of time at the party. When you arrive with your husband, you go to the host and the graduate and you say to them: "I have the most horrible migraine, but I didn't want to miss your lovely party. I want to congratulate you on your graduation and wish you continued future success." Then you walk away and find the hostess and tell her that you are crestfallen but you must leave her party because your head is about to explode from the terrible migraine, but you wanted to thank her for inviting you and apologize for having to leave so soon, and then you leave. You will have been perfectly polite and you will get points for walking through the door when you were suffering. This should take about 5 minutes and although it's a total waste of makeup, you will have avoided slighting one of your husband's patients who no doubt refers your husband to friends. Times being what they are those referrals can be quite rewarding.
FOLLOW-UP--QUESTION: Although I don't want to, I will attend as you suggested, because I really do want to do the right thing. The only thing I can't do is lie and say I have a migraine. I'll just go and make the best of it. Thanks again for all of your advice. I really do appreciate it, and you have been incredibly helpful.
Answer:
LOL I'll send you my daughter's phone number. Talking to her ALWAYS give me a headache-I'm willing to be incredibly generous and share her with you.....10 minutes before the party--one little phone call and your head will feel like someone whacked you with a sledge hammer.
ANSWER: The basic rule of thumb in life is to invite people that you like and wish to spend time with. If your neighbors are in this group, invite them. If they aren't, you are not under social obligation to them simply because they bought the house next to you. I personally like my neighbors--I think they are lovely people and I invite them to things because they are so terrific about getting my mail and watering my plants when I travel. I also bring them a little gift from everywhere I go as a thank you for all they do for me. My neighbors on the other side wouldn't know me if they fell over me so they aren't on my guest list.
FOLLOW-UP --QUESTION: You have been incredibly helpful in all of this. I would like to specifically ask another question. Even though I've passed on your input to him regarding the attendance of the neighbors' invite, he still wants to go with one of our children without me. The one neighbor has been to his podiatry office a few times with one of their children, so he feels obligated to go, even though we have no social or real neighborly friendship-type relationship. I told him I would be very upset if he went without me and feel this would make me look bad. I just flat out don't want to go. This girl has never spoken one sentence to us and has gone out of her way not to be friendly. Am I justified in how I am feeling, and would it be wrong for my husband to go without me? I feel like he always looks like the good guy. I am not trying to be mean, but we have no close connection with either neighbor and I feel like we are either just being use for a money gift or for courtesy only. Please help! Thank you.
ANSWER: Ahhhh my dear--you witheld pertinent information--you bad girl!! You didn't mention that he was a patient of your husband's medical practice, that makes it different--and you are right, if hubby goes and you don't it will make you look bad. You're going to have to take one for the team. Hubby is obligated to go because he does have a professional relationship with the neighbor. You should make an appearance with your husband because this neighbor considers your husband to be a friend, and by extension so are you. Since your husband wishes to attend anyway, I'm going to tell you how to be perfectly polite and still not have to spend a lot of time at the party. When you arrive with your husband, you go to the host and the graduate and you say to them: "I have the most horrible migraine, but I didn't want to miss your lovely party. I want to congratulate you on your graduation and wish you continued future success." Then you walk away and find the hostess and tell her that you are crestfallen but you must leave her party because your head is about to explode from the terrible migraine, but you wanted to thank her for inviting you and apologize for having to leave so soon, and then you leave. You will have been perfectly polite and you will get points for walking through the door when you were suffering. This should take about 5 minutes and although it's a total waste of makeup, you will have avoided slighting one of your husband's patients who no doubt refers your husband to friends. Times being what they are those referrals can be quite rewarding.
FOLLOW-UP--QUESTION: Although I don't want to, I will attend as you suggested, because I really do want to do the right thing. The only thing I can't do is lie and say I have a migraine. I'll just go and make the best of it. Thanks again for all of your advice. I really do appreciate it, and you have been incredibly helpful.
Answer:
LOL I'll send you my daughter's phone number. Talking to her ALWAYS give me a headache-I'm willing to be incredibly generous and share her with you.....10 minutes before the party--one little phone call and your head will feel like someone whacked you with a sledge hammer.
death of spouse while going through a divorce
Hello,What is the proper way to address the loss of a spouse when the couple was in the middle of a divorce? Should I still send a sympathy card to the surviving spouse? What is the proper thing to say? Amy
Dear Amy,
Oh my--this is a sticky one isn't it? I think it would depend upon whether or not it was a friendly divorce. If it was an acrimonious divorce, then send the sympathy note to the children (if any) but not to the surviving spouse (assuming that she is not a suspect). Hallmark doesn't make a card for this, so send it in letter form on your personal stationery. If it was a friendly divorce and/or they were parents, then a carefully worded card would be OK. I would word it something like, "I'm sorry to hear of John's passing, even though you two were divorcing, I know you must be grieving too."Do the standard offer of "If I can help you in any way......" and let it go at that.
Limo Princess
Dear Amy,
Oh my--this is a sticky one isn't it? I think it would depend upon whether or not it was a friendly divorce. If it was an acrimonious divorce, then send the sympathy note to the children (if any) but not to the surviving spouse (assuming that she is not a suspect). Hallmark doesn't make a card for this, so send it in letter form on your personal stationery. If it was a friendly divorce and/or they were parents, then a carefully worded card would be OK. I would word it something like, "I'm sorry to hear of John's passing, even though you two were divorcing, I know you must be grieving too."Do the standard offer of "If I can help you in any way......" and let it go at that.
Limo Princess
dinner out
My father, aged 86, died a week ago and the funeral was several days ago. The phone has been ringing nonstop with condolences. Is is proper for my husband and I to go out to dinner one week after his death?
Dear Adrienne,
Of course you can go out to dinner. Life goes on, and I am sure you are working diligently on the thank you notes for the food, flowers and condolence cards so you deserve a night out.I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Dear Adrienne,
Of course you can go out to dinner. Life goes on, and I am sure you are working diligently on the thank you notes for the food, flowers and condolence cards so you deserve a night out.I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Graduation Celebration Guest Etiquette
My husband has been the basketball/baseball coach of a few kids that are now graduating high school. Each of them is having a separate celebration of their own (not on the same day). As invited guests, how long is an appropriate time for us to stay at each celebration? Is 30 minutes too short? Is 60 minutes too long?
Thanks, Tammy
He can stay as long as he likes or leave after congratulating the graduate and wishing him/her well. If you are having a good time, then you stay--you are invited guests--if not, then you leave. There's no rule as to minimum/maximum time at a party, however if the sun is coming up and everyone has gone to bed, you may have stayed a tad too long.
Enjoy,
Limo Princess
Thanks, Tammy
He can stay as long as he likes or leave after congratulating the graduate and wishing him/her well. If you are having a good time, then you stay--you are invited guests--if not, then you leave. There's no rule as to minimum/maximum time at a party, however if the sun is coming up and everyone has gone to bed, you may have stayed a tad too long.
Enjoy,
Limo Princess
gift trip question
Hello, I am in a quandry about this situation. I just bought my husband a trip to the US Open in San Diego for Fathers Day. The trip is for two; airfare, car rental, hotel and US Open entry fees. He wants to ask a friend to go with him and charge him half the amount I paid. He figures he paid for it even tho I bought it and no one should get to go for free! I do not feel this way at all. If I get a trip, I will choose to take a friend and not dream of asking them to pay for it. If they want to buy me dinner and maybe some gas, that would be great. What do you think? Thank you for your help!
Colleen dear,Men are different in many ways from us and this situation demonstrates it perfectly. Keep in mind that with most married couples, men view all the household income as "OUR" money. Although I agree with your point of view and would do it the same way, men view this sort of thing differently than we do--and I'd bet my life that your husband presented the opportunity to his buddy along the lines of: "Hey John--I got some tickets to the US Open--wanna go with and split the cost?" to which his buddy said "Oh cool--I'm there, let me know what my half is and I'll give you a check/cash for it" because this is how men do things. It wasn't presented the way we would do it which is to say: "Jane--my husband gave me a trip for two to the spa in San Diego and I want you to come along as my guest." If a man said that to another man it would be viewed as a come-on for some unmentionable acts--it's a gender thing--and the friendship would be irreparably harmed. Close your eyes and ears to it and let it go--after all, a gift with strings isn't a gift so let him do as he wishes. This situation, like so many others, is one that causes women to shake our heads and say "MEN." in the tone we all instantly recognize and understand.
All the Best,
LimoPrincess
Colleen dear,Men are different in many ways from us and this situation demonstrates it perfectly. Keep in mind that with most married couples, men view all the household income as "OUR" money. Although I agree with your point of view and would do it the same way, men view this sort of thing differently than we do--and I'd bet my life that your husband presented the opportunity to his buddy along the lines of: "Hey John--I got some tickets to the US Open--wanna go with and split the cost?" to which his buddy said "Oh cool--I'm there, let me know what my half is and I'll give you a check/cash for it" because this is how men do things. It wasn't presented the way we would do it which is to say: "Jane--my husband gave me a trip for two to the spa in San Diego and I want you to come along as my guest." If a man said that to another man it would be viewed as a come-on for some unmentionable acts--it's a gender thing--and the friendship would be irreparably harmed. Close your eyes and ears to it and let it go--after all, a gift with strings isn't a gift so let him do as he wishes. This situation, like so many others, is one that causes women to shake our heads and say "MEN." in the tone we all instantly recognize and understand.
All the Best,
LimoPrincess
husband doesn't answer/return calls
My husband often ignores calls that come in on his cell phone from his friends. He's not necessarily busy with anything at the time, he just doesn't feel like answering or talking to them and it's not like there are that many calls. We're talking about just a few friends. One friend frequently gets annoyed at this, because not only does he ignore the calls, but doesn't even return the call in a timely manner, or at all. Last night a friend he only talks to about once a month called and he again ignored it. Tonight I asked if he ever returned the call and he said he hadn't even listened to the message yet. I told him that I thought he was being rude and I was glad he wasn't one of my friends (I didn't mean it like it sounds of course). So am I out of line to think he should answer his friend's calls, or does the availability of caller id grant us that prerogative?
Dear Danica,
As you have noticed, there are very few calls. As time goes by there will be none at all since even the most devoted friend will abandon him eventually and he has only himself to blame. It's rude not to return phone calls when people leave messages but obviously he doesn't care or he'd return the calls. When he has no friends, you will know why. His behavior is no reflection on you and you aren't responsible for him so ignore it--there's nothing you can do anyway and he will learn what I have told you already in time. Obviously you are a lovely and polite person, but there's nothing you can do without antagonizing your husband, so let it go.
Dear Danica,
As you have noticed, there are very few calls. As time goes by there will be none at all since even the most devoted friend will abandon him eventually and he has only himself to blame. It's rude not to return phone calls when people leave messages but obviously he doesn't care or he'd return the calls. When he has no friends, you will know why. His behavior is no reflection on you and you aren't responsible for him so ignore it--there's nothing you can do anyway and he will learn what I have told you already in time. Obviously you are a lovely and polite person, but there's nothing you can do without antagonizing your husband, so let it go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
