wedding charade

Dear Limo Princess,
My son who lives in Texas and his 'fiance' have been planning a wedding for over a year. I have been involved somewhat in that I was planning to give the rehearsal dinner along with his father and my current husband, his step father. Obviously we have been communicating and handling family matters on a friendly, open and cooperative basis. While discussing details with my son about the upcoming events, I inquired about his "fiance's" already using his last name on her e-mail communications. I joked, 'Has the wedding already occurred? He sheepishly informed me, well yes they are married. I was shocked of course and asked when this happened. His reply was that it had happened last November. His father knew about it and his sister knew about it-since November. The wedding invitations were mailed out in February. So you see, they have all been carrying on a charade. Now I am involved and aware of what is occurring. I do not approve to say the least and am not willing to be a party to it. Unfortunately, this came to light 3-4 days after invitations to the rehearsal dinner had been mailed. I want to cancel everything. They don't. I want to inform people they are already married and this would be a repeat of their vows. They don't. I don't want to be involved in this deception. Please advise me. I love my son. I don't want to see him hurt, but this is just not right. Please help me.

Dear Theresa,
I agree, this is dishonest, but if no one celebrated the wedding previously and it was a civil ceremony, then this will be the religious ceremony and it's common in many places to have both a civil and religious ceremony. I am distressed that he and everyone else has lied to you, this is wrong--you should have been told. It's still OK to have the wedding as it's not like they had a big celebration--this is the big celebration. My cousin got married in Lake Tahoe and then had the reception a week later but everyone knew they were already married. Still, the fact that they are already married is not that big of a deal since they didn't have a previous large ceremony and reception.While I think he was wrong to have lied to you, there are many reasons he might have gone ahead with the ceremony--the most pressing one these days being health insurance. If one of them had no health insurance and the other one did through their employer, it might have been necessary for the wedding to take place. Also, your DIL might have been pregnant and they got married and subsequently there was a first-trimester miscarriage which happens a lot. Both your son and daughter-in-law owe you an apology for lying to you and you are perfectly within your rights to demand one. However, in the long run, it doesn't really matter that they had an early civil ceremony does it? All their friends and loved ones would still come to this if they knew because they would still want to celebrate the marriage, albeit belatedly, wouldn't they? They are still doing a church wedding which is a separate and special event because they are now going before God in front of all their loved ones to profess their love and commitment, and do you not want to attend because it is technically redundant? I see the issue as one of honesty with you and your son and daughter-in-law and they were wrong to lie to you and this is no way to start a marriage however she was openly using his name and if you had asked earlier they probably told you since they confessed right away when queried. I am perplexed as to why your ex-husband and daughter were in on the secret and not you--was it because they knew you would not want to have the wedding if you knew? If you had known, what would you do differently? It's not a major social breach--it's basically an incorrect date on the invitation and nothing more--I doubt that any of the guests will care enough to cancel or that they will be upset. It's not an issue of honesty with the guests, but it is with you and it should be and you have every right to be upset. My thought is that you might want to tell your guests--the ones YOU personally invited--that a civil ceremony has already taken place and that you thought they should know and you are calling at this late date because you were JUST informed. They will still come to the wedding and share your joy and you will feel better about not deceiving them.
Blessings, Limo Princess