Dear Limo Princess,
If you have a graduation party (for High School) that is more formal and not an open house, what is the etiquette for gifts? If you didn't write anything on the invite about gifts, who would and who wouldn't bring gifts? Thanks!
Dear Joe,
Graduation gifts for High School are totally optional, no one is required or expected to bring a gift even though high school kids routinely use graduation as an opportunity to shamelessly fish for gifts. Mom and Dad might come up with a gift and maybe Grandma or Aunt Betty, but it's not a requirement--a "Congratulations" is all that is necessary to be socially proper. If someone wants to give a gift, it is entirely at their discretion and not required.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
Saturday, May 31, 2008
high school graduation gift giving
Dear Limo Princess,
Our daughter is having her high school graduation open house soon and will be attending her friends' open houses. Do graduates usually gift each other when they attend open houses - it seems like it could get expensive plus they would just be passing money back and forth! Thanks! If we attend, of course, we would give a card with money but if she goes alone, does she need a gift?
Dear Tricia
Since she is attending an actual party, she should have a small thoughtful gift that should be chosen with the recipent in mind. I usually give a small box of personalized stationery to remind them to write or for thank you notes. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be special!
Our daughter is having her high school graduation open house soon and will be attending her friends' open houses. Do graduates usually gift each other when they attend open houses - it seems like it could get expensive plus they would just be passing money back and forth! Thanks! If we attend, of course, we would give a card with money but if she goes alone, does she need a gift?
Dear Tricia
Since she is attending an actual party, she should have a small thoughtful gift that should be chosen with the recipent in mind. I usually give a small box of personalized stationery to remind them to write or for thank you notes. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be special!
My doctor is incredibly rude!
Dear Limo Princess,
I had orthopedic surgery about a week ago on my foot. Today the surgeon was very rude to me and yelled at me. I did not appreciate his attitude and feel the need to let him know that his behavior was inappropriate, but I am not sure what to say or when. I have an upcoming appointment and could tell him then, or I could put it in writing. I am very upset about this. I was on the phone calling from home with a serious problem related to the surgery and from the office he yelled at me with staff all around to hear him and at least some knew it was me on the other end. That part I have confirmed, that staff were around and he was standing in the middle of the office berating me. I told him right then and there on the phone to "back off" but I feel I need to further it by pointing out that he ridiculed me not only by yelling at me and saying mean things but did so in front of his staff who knew who he was talking to. I did not while on the phone point THAT part out to him. Should I? I am very upset about this and was driven to tears afterwards. But I don't want to be rude myself by bringing the matter up again if while on the phone I gave him the message to "back off". I am not sure if pointing out etiquette to him is my job. That is letting him know that he had no right to berate me in front of people, albeit I was not there but staff knew who he was talking to. Thank you.
Dear Casy,
Doctors are some of the rudest and most arrogant people on earth. They all suffer from "God complex" to some extent. Although I look for technical excellence in a surgeon and bedside manner in my primary care doctor, there's no excuse for this sort of behavior. My advice is two-pronged in this case. First, find another doctor and write him a letter telling him why in the letter you send requesting your medical records. Second, you can tell the world about him at this website: www.rateMDs.com so that everyone can read about what a jerk he is!
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess
I had orthopedic surgery about a week ago on my foot. Today the surgeon was very rude to me and yelled at me. I did not appreciate his attitude and feel the need to let him know that his behavior was inappropriate, but I am not sure what to say or when. I have an upcoming appointment and could tell him then, or I could put it in writing. I am very upset about this. I was on the phone calling from home with a serious problem related to the surgery and from the office he yelled at me with staff all around to hear him and at least some knew it was me on the other end. That part I have confirmed, that staff were around and he was standing in the middle of the office berating me. I told him right then and there on the phone to "back off" but I feel I need to further it by pointing out that he ridiculed me not only by yelling at me and saying mean things but did so in front of his staff who knew who he was talking to. I did not while on the phone point THAT part out to him. Should I? I am very upset about this and was driven to tears afterwards. But I don't want to be rude myself by bringing the matter up again if while on the phone I gave him the message to "back off". I am not sure if pointing out etiquette to him is my job. That is letting him know that he had no right to berate me in front of people, albeit I was not there but staff knew who he was talking to. Thank you.
Dear Casy,
Doctors are some of the rudest and most arrogant people on earth. They all suffer from "God complex" to some extent. Although I look for technical excellence in a surgeon and bedside manner in my primary care doctor, there's no excuse for this sort of behavior. My advice is two-pronged in this case. First, find another doctor and write him a letter telling him why in the letter you send requesting your medical records. Second, you can tell the world about him at this website: www.rateMDs.com so that everyone can read about what a jerk he is!
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess
Get together invite goes horribly wrong!!
Dear Limo Princess,
We are having a get-together for some of our family and our next door neighbors (who are really good friends) on Sunday. Saturday, our neighbor asks us out of the blue if she can have her daughters (18) boyfriend attend also, and offered to bring extra food. We wanted to keep this shindig limited to who we offered verbal invites too, so we said no. She then proceeded to get mad and upset, through out the "well we're not family card" and said they would not be attending. My wife and I were totally shocked at her actions, and would like to know if we should apologize. We have a son (15) and he was told up front he would not be allowed to have any friends over. I don't see why we should allow someone's daughter to have her boyfriend over, when we are not allowing our son to have anyone over. After all, we did not invite the boyfriend, just the mom, dad, and daughter. Should we apologize, or is an apology owed to us? This has been irritating us, and we would like to know if we were in the wrong or not. P.S. - The daughter runs this household. Anytime she wants something, she pouts and moans and mopes and throws the guilt trip around until she gets her way. Her mother always gives in to her demands, and her dad gets ganged up on by mother and daughter when he tries to lay down the law. So he stays pretty neutral when things like this happen. She has already gotten 2 cars and 2 trips out of this, not to mention a face piercing, which her mother said she would never get as long as she lived in their house.
Dear Joey.
I'm afraid you aren't going to like my answer, but on the rude scale, you topped your neighbor. She was about a 1 and you were a 6 on the scale. While no one should ask a hostess if they can bring an extra guest, the neighbor girl who is OVER 18 and therefore an adult, should have been allowed to bring her boyfriend. Your son is 15 and I can understand your reasoning in not wanting kids, but you forgot that the girl next door IS an adult and to invite her to a party without allowing her to bring a date is rude because even though she's still "the little girl next door" to you, she's an adult. Either her boyfriend should have been included in the original invite or they should all have been excluded. Your neighbor even offered to bring extra food to make up for the extra person which was nice of her and the right thing to do and you were inhospitable. I'm surprised from your email that you behaved this way to a close friend and neighbor, I'm wondering if you let your dislike for this girl spill over into your relationship with her parents, but at any rate, it's done. I know it's difficult for you because your dislike of this girl is apparent even to me in such a short email, but she will leave home soon and you don't want to lose good friends because their child-rearing isn't up to your standards.You owe your neighbor an apology, and soon before you irreparably damage the friendship.
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Unfortunately, of course this isn't the answer I was looking for, but does the fact she turned 18 about 2 weeks ago make a difference? Also, her mother doesn't like her boyfriend, who is 15, and is not an adult, and am wondering if his age should be a factor, since my sons friends are also 15? Thanks for the response.
Dear Joey,
Well, actually that DOES make a difference as I presumed he would be at least 18, so that one's on me! I understand where you are coming from as I try to ban children from my parties, but when someone asks if they can bring a child(ren) I always say yes.Still, even though this brings you to a 3 instead of a 6, you still should be the one to institute the healing process. These people have been friends of yours for a long time--friends argue but they forgive--and someone has to make the first move with the olive branch. I'd suggest doing it with humor--take them a cake and tell them you brought it to them because your are having some tasty crow. It would be OK to leave in on the door when they aren't home which will keep them from being on the spot. Then let it go--you have extended an olive branch and it will be up to them to make the next move--and hopefully it will all be OK. I know you must be a good man because you didn't lambaste me when you didn't like my answer. 'This too shall pass' as someone much wiser once said, give it a little time and some baked goods and see what happens. I sincerely hope this works out for you and that you can patch things up with your neighbors!
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you so much for your help. This will guide us in the right direction. I think we will take your advice and start amends.
We are having a get-together for some of our family and our next door neighbors (who are really good friends) on Sunday. Saturday, our neighbor asks us out of the blue if she can have her daughters (18) boyfriend attend also, and offered to bring extra food. We wanted to keep this shindig limited to who we offered verbal invites too, so we said no. She then proceeded to get mad and upset, through out the "well we're not family card" and said they would not be attending. My wife and I were totally shocked at her actions, and would like to know if we should apologize. We have a son (15) and he was told up front he would not be allowed to have any friends over. I don't see why we should allow someone's daughter to have her boyfriend over, when we are not allowing our son to have anyone over. After all, we did not invite the boyfriend, just the mom, dad, and daughter. Should we apologize, or is an apology owed to us? This has been irritating us, and we would like to know if we were in the wrong or not. P.S. - The daughter runs this household. Anytime she wants something, she pouts and moans and mopes and throws the guilt trip around until she gets her way. Her mother always gives in to her demands, and her dad gets ganged up on by mother and daughter when he tries to lay down the law. So he stays pretty neutral when things like this happen. She has already gotten 2 cars and 2 trips out of this, not to mention a face piercing, which her mother said she would never get as long as she lived in their house.
Dear Joey.
I'm afraid you aren't going to like my answer, but on the rude scale, you topped your neighbor. She was about a 1 and you were a 6 on the scale. While no one should ask a hostess if they can bring an extra guest, the neighbor girl who is OVER 18 and therefore an adult, should have been allowed to bring her boyfriend. Your son is 15 and I can understand your reasoning in not wanting kids, but you forgot that the girl next door IS an adult and to invite her to a party without allowing her to bring a date is rude because even though she's still "the little girl next door" to you, she's an adult. Either her boyfriend should have been included in the original invite or they should all have been excluded. Your neighbor even offered to bring extra food to make up for the extra person which was nice of her and the right thing to do and you were inhospitable. I'm surprised from your email that you behaved this way to a close friend and neighbor, I'm wondering if you let your dislike for this girl spill over into your relationship with her parents, but at any rate, it's done. I know it's difficult for you because your dislike of this girl is apparent even to me in such a short email, but she will leave home soon and you don't want to lose good friends because their child-rearing isn't up to your standards.You owe your neighbor an apology, and soon before you irreparably damage the friendship.
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Unfortunately, of course this isn't the answer I was looking for, but does the fact she turned 18 about 2 weeks ago make a difference? Also, her mother doesn't like her boyfriend, who is 15, and is not an adult, and am wondering if his age should be a factor, since my sons friends are also 15? Thanks for the response.
Dear Joey,
Well, actually that DOES make a difference as I presumed he would be at least 18, so that one's on me! I understand where you are coming from as I try to ban children from my parties, but when someone asks if they can bring a child(ren) I always say yes.Still, even though this brings you to a 3 instead of a 6, you still should be the one to institute the healing process. These people have been friends of yours for a long time--friends argue but they forgive--and someone has to make the first move with the olive branch. I'd suggest doing it with humor--take them a cake and tell them you brought it to them because your are having some tasty crow. It would be OK to leave in on the door when they aren't home which will keep them from being on the spot. Then let it go--you have extended an olive branch and it will be up to them to make the next move--and hopefully it will all be OK. I know you must be a good man because you didn't lambaste me when you didn't like my answer. 'This too shall pass' as someone much wiser once said, give it a little time and some baked goods and see what happens. I sincerely hope this works out for you and that you can patch things up with your neighbors!
FOLLOW-UP
Dear Limo Princess,
Thank you so much for your help. This will guide us in the right direction. I think we will take your advice and start amends.
No wedding gift after a year
Hello,We got married last year, and a year has passed; I have about 20 guests who still have not given us a gift, and some who haven't even sent a card. Is there anything that I can say to these guests? Weddings are very expensive, esp. in NYC! Pam
Dear Greedy for Gifts.
You don't ever mention it--you take it to your grave. They must NEVER find out that the only reason they were invited to your wedding was so you could extract an expensive gift. It would be far too cruel for them to find out that you care nothing for their wanting to celebrate your joy, only for a gift you are annoyed that you have not yet received.
Appalled beyond words,
Limo Princess
Dear Greedy for Gifts.
You don't ever mention it--you take it to your grave. They must NEVER find out that the only reason they were invited to your wedding was so you could extract an expensive gift. It would be far too cruel for them to find out that you care nothing for their wanting to celebrate your joy, only for a gift you are annoyed that you have not yet received.
Appalled beyond words,
Limo Princess
Friday, May 30, 2008
Invitation to dine
Dear Limo Princess,
A invites B to dine on a specific occasion. A gets a better offer from C. A sends B a notice cancelling their date because he now has an engagement with C. A proceeds with engagement with C. Is A's conduct in accord with good manners?
Dear Richard,
Absolutely not. It is the height of bad manners to cancel an engagement because a "better" one was offered. There is only one way to cancel an engagement to go to a different engagement and it reads as follows:"I regret terribly that I have to cancel our dinner engagement as I have received an invitation to dine with the President of the United States at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."That is the only socially acceptable reason to cancel a previous social occasion to go to a different social engagement as an invitation to the White House supercedes all other social obligations. Only the ill-bred and poorly mannered would even consider canceling a previous engagement because a "better one" came along--it is the height of rudeness.
A invites B to dine on a specific occasion. A gets a better offer from C. A sends B a notice cancelling their date because he now has an engagement with C. A proceeds with engagement with C. Is A's conduct in accord with good manners?
Dear Richard,
Absolutely not. It is the height of bad manners to cancel an engagement because a "better" one was offered. There is only one way to cancel an engagement to go to a different engagement and it reads as follows:"I regret terribly that I have to cancel our dinner engagement as I have received an invitation to dine with the President of the United States at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."That is the only socially acceptable reason to cancel a previous social occasion to go to a different social engagement as an invitation to the White House supercedes all other social obligations. Only the ill-bred and poorly mannered would even consider canceling a previous engagement because a "better one" came along--it is the height of rudeness.
How to deal with racist comments
Dear Limo Princess,
My MiL's partner occasionally makes the same comment about how amazed he is that I can speak English so well...I've been polite & responded that I am an American so there is nothing special about my speaking English. I've voiced this to my husband & he said not to be offended by it as the man is 80 years old & doesn't mean what he says; MiL told hubby she noticed the comments as well, but it's no use correcting him as he will forget what we said in 10 minutes. I'm a little worried as I was coerced into inviting this man to an important family event (MiL assumed they were both invited) & wonder how I should deal with it if it is repeated? I have kicked myself in the past for not being prepared to deal with the racist comments.
Dear Katherine,
Remarking to someone that their command of the English language is excellent is not a racist comment. A racist comment would be "You speak English so well for a (insert ethnic slur here)" and THEN you would have every right to be offended. So few people speak the language correctly these days that it is refreshing to come across someone who is well-spoken. Many people are very quick to take offense when none is intended, which is not to say that you were wrong, I wasn't there, so I must let your interpretation of the remark stand.A far more serious issue is that you assume that you can leave out your mother in law's companion when you invite her to a family event. You can tell your mother in law that your invitation to her does not include her partner, however, when you invite one half of a couple and not the other half, it will be you that will be serious breach of etiquette, and she will have every right to be offended. When you invite one member of a couple, it is assumed that the other member is also invited unless it is a gender specific event such as a bachelor party. So, unless you are prepared to deal with your mother in law's distress at being left out of the party you are stuck and I am sympathetic to your plight, but good manners dictate that you cannot invite one-half of a couple to a family social event.You have two options if this man makes rude remarks at your party and they are:1. Ignore them and consider the source as I am sure your other guests will do, or2. Politely ask him to leave.A lady never makes a scene. If wish to ask him to leave your party, have your husband go to him and ask to speak to him privately outside. Once outside, your husband asks him to leave, hands him his hat an coat and turns and walks back inside the party venue. Hopefully it will not come to that, but if it does, that is the proper way to handle it.I hope that your party is a success and that all goes well.Please feel free to contact me if I can be of further assistance and again, chin up and take the high road!
Best of Luck, Limo Princess
My MiL's partner occasionally makes the same comment about how amazed he is that I can speak English so well...I've been polite & responded that I am an American so there is nothing special about my speaking English. I've voiced this to my husband & he said not to be offended by it as the man is 80 years old & doesn't mean what he says; MiL told hubby she noticed the comments as well, but it's no use correcting him as he will forget what we said in 10 minutes. I'm a little worried as I was coerced into inviting this man to an important family event (MiL assumed they were both invited) & wonder how I should deal with it if it is repeated? I have kicked myself in the past for not being prepared to deal with the racist comments.
Dear Katherine,
Remarking to someone that their command of the English language is excellent is not a racist comment. A racist comment would be "You speak English so well for a (insert ethnic slur here)" and THEN you would have every right to be offended. So few people speak the language correctly these days that it is refreshing to come across someone who is well-spoken. Many people are very quick to take offense when none is intended, which is not to say that you were wrong, I wasn't there, so I must let your interpretation of the remark stand.A far more serious issue is that you assume that you can leave out your mother in law's companion when you invite her to a family event. You can tell your mother in law that your invitation to her does not include her partner, however, when you invite one half of a couple and not the other half, it will be you that will be serious breach of etiquette, and she will have every right to be offended. When you invite one member of a couple, it is assumed that the other member is also invited unless it is a gender specific event such as a bachelor party. So, unless you are prepared to deal with your mother in law's distress at being left out of the party you are stuck and I am sympathetic to your plight, but good manners dictate that you cannot invite one-half of a couple to a family social event.You have two options if this man makes rude remarks at your party and they are:1. Ignore them and consider the source as I am sure your other guests will do, or2. Politely ask him to leave.A lady never makes a scene. If wish to ask him to leave your party, have your husband go to him and ask to speak to him privately outside. Once outside, your husband asks him to leave, hands him his hat an coat and turns and walks back inside the party venue. Hopefully it will not come to that, but if it does, that is the proper way to handle it.I hope that your party is a success and that all goes well.Please feel free to contact me if I can be of further assistance and again, chin up and take the high road!
Best of Luck, Limo Princess
Sweet 16 invites- only want to have adults & teens
Dear Limo Princess,
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Dear Theresa,
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Dear Theresa,
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.
selling a gift, got busted!
Hello Limo Princess,
I have an etiquette question that is keeping me up at night...I am currently selling a lot of my knick-knacks and other things on E-bay. I am trying to declutter,raise money for a trip as well as pay for graduation gifts for a niece and nephew. My sisters-in-law found that I was selling something one of them gave me 5-6 years ago, and were very unhappy about it. They bid on the item and sent a few harsh comments my way via e-mail. I tried to call and talk to one of them about this, and she basically said it is something she would like to have to complete a collection and also that she wants to give it to her daughter, my niece. She said she was perfectly willing to rebuy it back, even though she had given it to me. She also said they did not mean anything by the threatening e-mails. ACKKK! She even stated that she just bid for the fun of it. I canceled the auction. I have no idea if my niece really wants this item, or if it's just my sister-in-law "yanking my chain"...but being as my niece is about to go to college, I was going to give her a check for whatever money I made on this, and a few other items I'm selling. Is there any way I can save face in this situation? I had actually thought selling the item, to benefit someone was a good thing, but I was obviously wrong. I also thought gifts are given as gifts and not expected back someday. How do I give this item to my niece? I'm sure my sisters-in-law have discussed this in front of her. Help!
Sincerely Yours, Marion
Dear Marion,
You poor thing! You kept this item for several years and since it's a knick-knack, obviously it's not something they gave you out of great sentiment for a special occasion. It's not like you are selling the family silver for heaven's sake, so stop beating yourself up over it. It was yours to do with as you pleased and if you want to sell it, that's entirely up to you. People sell things that other people gave them all the time--I traded in the car my dad bought me for my 16th birthday--nothing lasts forever. I could understand their behavior if it was a priceless family heirloom with tons of sentimental value--like great-grandma's diamond engagement ring; but not a little knick-knack. Re-gifting is a different matter, but that's not what happened here. The correct thing to do, now that your sisters-in-law have beaten you to death, would be to ask your niece if she truly wants this item, and if she does then give it to her with all the best wishes and tell the story at every holiday of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless family gift and laugh about it--as will everyone else--at your sisters-in-law.Now, I will address the egregious behavior of your sisters-in-law who are absolutely out of line here. They gave you a gift without mentioning that it came with strings attached, not because they thought you would enjoy it, and expected you to store it forever and be slobberingly grateful for the priviledge. A gift that is given with strings attached is not a gift at all, and your sisters-in-law are actually the ones out of line here, not you. It would behoove them greatly to get a better understanding of what a "gift" is and then for them to badger you because you are selling something they wanted--THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU AS A GIFT--without consulting them is reprehensible. They are absolutely in the wrong to try to guilt you into giving back their gift and still claim it was a gift to you. They can't have it both ways, and to distress you to this degree is unforgivable and I hope that your niece is a better person than your sisters-in-law and that they are present every time you tell the story of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless gift.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
I have an etiquette question that is keeping me up at night...I am currently selling a lot of my knick-knacks and other things on E-bay. I am trying to declutter,raise money for a trip as well as pay for graduation gifts for a niece and nephew. My sisters-in-law found that I was selling something one of them gave me 5-6 years ago, and were very unhappy about it. They bid on the item and sent a few harsh comments my way via e-mail. I tried to call and talk to one of them about this, and she basically said it is something she would like to have to complete a collection and also that she wants to give it to her daughter, my niece. She said she was perfectly willing to rebuy it back, even though she had given it to me. She also said they did not mean anything by the threatening e-mails. ACKKK! She even stated that she just bid for the fun of it. I canceled the auction. I have no idea if my niece really wants this item, or if it's just my sister-in-law "yanking my chain"...but being as my niece is about to go to college, I was going to give her a check for whatever money I made on this, and a few other items I'm selling. Is there any way I can save face in this situation? I had actually thought selling the item, to benefit someone was a good thing, but I was obviously wrong. I also thought gifts are given as gifts and not expected back someday. How do I give this item to my niece? I'm sure my sisters-in-law have discussed this in front of her. Help!
Sincerely Yours, Marion
Dear Marion,
You poor thing! You kept this item for several years and since it's a knick-knack, obviously it's not something they gave you out of great sentiment for a special occasion. It's not like you are selling the family silver for heaven's sake, so stop beating yourself up over it. It was yours to do with as you pleased and if you want to sell it, that's entirely up to you. People sell things that other people gave them all the time--I traded in the car my dad bought me for my 16th birthday--nothing lasts forever. I could understand their behavior if it was a priceless family heirloom with tons of sentimental value--like great-grandma's diamond engagement ring; but not a little knick-knack. Re-gifting is a different matter, but that's not what happened here. The correct thing to do, now that your sisters-in-law have beaten you to death, would be to ask your niece if she truly wants this item, and if she does then give it to her with all the best wishes and tell the story at every holiday of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless family gift and laugh about it--as will everyone else--at your sisters-in-law.Now, I will address the egregious behavior of your sisters-in-law who are absolutely out of line here. They gave you a gift without mentioning that it came with strings attached, not because they thought you would enjoy it, and expected you to store it forever and be slobberingly grateful for the priviledge. A gift that is given with strings attached is not a gift at all, and your sisters-in-law are actually the ones out of line here, not you. It would behoove them greatly to get a better understanding of what a "gift" is and then for them to badger you because you are selling something they wanted--THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU AS A GIFT--without consulting them is reprehensible. They are absolutely in the wrong to try to guilt you into giving back their gift and still claim it was a gift to you. They can't have it both ways, and to distress you to this degree is unforgivable and I hope that your niece is a better person than your sisters-in-law and that they are present every time you tell the story of how you tried to Ebay off the priceless gift.
All the Best,
Limo Princess
wedding charade
Dear Limo Princess,
My son who lives in Texas and his 'fiance' have been planning a wedding for over a year. I have been involved somewhat in that I was planning to give the rehearsal dinner along with his father and my current husband, his step father. Obviously we have been communicating and handling family matters on a friendly, open and cooperative basis. While discussing details with my son about the upcoming events, I inquired about his "fiance's" already using his last name on her e-mail communications. I joked, 'Has the wedding already occurred? He sheepishly informed me, well yes they are married. I was shocked of course and asked when this happened. His reply was that it had happened last November. His father knew about it and his sister knew about it-since November. The wedding invitations were mailed out in February. So you see, they have all been carrying on a charade. Now I am involved and aware of what is occurring. I do not approve to say the least and am not willing to be a party to it. Unfortunately, this came to light 3-4 days after invitations to the rehearsal dinner had been mailed. I want to cancel everything. They don't. I want to inform people they are already married and this would be a repeat of their vows. They don't. I don't want to be involved in this deception. Please advise me. I love my son. I don't want to see him hurt, but this is just not right. Please help me.
Dear Theresa,
I agree, this is dishonest, but if no one celebrated the wedding previously and it was a civil ceremony, then this will be the religious ceremony and it's common in many places to have both a civil and religious ceremony. I am distressed that he and everyone else has lied to you, this is wrong--you should have been told. It's still OK to have the wedding as it's not like they had a big celebration--this is the big celebration. My cousin got married in Lake Tahoe and then had the reception a week later but everyone knew they were already married. Still, the fact that they are already married is not that big of a deal since they didn't have a previous large ceremony and reception.While I think he was wrong to have lied to you, there are many reasons he might have gone ahead with the ceremony--the most pressing one these days being health insurance. If one of them had no health insurance and the other one did through their employer, it might have been necessary for the wedding to take place. Also, your DIL might have been pregnant and they got married and subsequently there was a first-trimester miscarriage which happens a lot. Both your son and daughter-in-law owe you an apology for lying to you and you are perfectly within your rights to demand one. However, in the long run, it doesn't really matter that they had an early civil ceremony does it? All their friends and loved ones would still come to this if they knew because they would still want to celebrate the marriage, albeit belatedly, wouldn't they? They are still doing a church wedding which is a separate and special event because they are now going before God in front of all their loved ones to profess their love and commitment, and do you not want to attend because it is technically redundant? I see the issue as one of honesty with you and your son and daughter-in-law and they were wrong to lie to you and this is no way to start a marriage however she was openly using his name and if you had asked earlier they probably told you since they confessed right away when queried. I am perplexed as to why your ex-husband and daughter were in on the secret and not you--was it because they knew you would not want to have the wedding if you knew? If you had known, what would you do differently? It's not a major social breach--it's basically an incorrect date on the invitation and nothing more--I doubt that any of the guests will care enough to cancel or that they will be upset. It's not an issue of honesty with the guests, but it is with you and it should be and you have every right to be upset. My thought is that you might want to tell your guests--the ones YOU personally invited--that a civil ceremony has already taken place and that you thought they should know and you are calling at this late date because you were JUST informed. They will still come to the wedding and share your joy and you will feel better about not deceiving them.
Blessings, Limo Princess
My son who lives in Texas and his 'fiance' have been planning a wedding for over a year. I have been involved somewhat in that I was planning to give the rehearsal dinner along with his father and my current husband, his step father. Obviously we have been communicating and handling family matters on a friendly, open and cooperative basis. While discussing details with my son about the upcoming events, I inquired about his "fiance's" already using his last name on her e-mail communications. I joked, 'Has the wedding already occurred? He sheepishly informed me, well yes they are married. I was shocked of course and asked when this happened. His reply was that it had happened last November. His father knew about it and his sister knew about it-since November. The wedding invitations were mailed out in February. So you see, they have all been carrying on a charade. Now I am involved and aware of what is occurring. I do not approve to say the least and am not willing to be a party to it. Unfortunately, this came to light 3-4 days after invitations to the rehearsal dinner had been mailed. I want to cancel everything. They don't. I want to inform people they are already married and this would be a repeat of their vows. They don't. I don't want to be involved in this deception. Please advise me. I love my son. I don't want to see him hurt, but this is just not right. Please help me.
Dear Theresa,
I agree, this is dishonest, but if no one celebrated the wedding previously and it was a civil ceremony, then this will be the religious ceremony and it's common in many places to have both a civil and religious ceremony. I am distressed that he and everyone else has lied to you, this is wrong--you should have been told. It's still OK to have the wedding as it's not like they had a big celebration--this is the big celebration. My cousin got married in Lake Tahoe and then had the reception a week later but everyone knew they were already married. Still, the fact that they are already married is not that big of a deal since they didn't have a previous large ceremony and reception.While I think he was wrong to have lied to you, there are many reasons he might have gone ahead with the ceremony--the most pressing one these days being health insurance. If one of them had no health insurance and the other one did through their employer, it might have been necessary for the wedding to take place. Also, your DIL might have been pregnant and they got married and subsequently there was a first-trimester miscarriage which happens a lot. Both your son and daughter-in-law owe you an apology for lying to you and you are perfectly within your rights to demand one. However, in the long run, it doesn't really matter that they had an early civil ceremony does it? All their friends and loved ones would still come to this if they knew because they would still want to celebrate the marriage, albeit belatedly, wouldn't they? They are still doing a church wedding which is a separate and special event because they are now going before God in front of all their loved ones to profess their love and commitment, and do you not want to attend because it is technically redundant? I see the issue as one of honesty with you and your son and daughter-in-law and they were wrong to lie to you and this is no way to start a marriage however she was openly using his name and if you had asked earlier they probably told you since they confessed right away when queried. I am perplexed as to why your ex-husband and daughter were in on the secret and not you--was it because they knew you would not want to have the wedding if you knew? If you had known, what would you do differently? It's not a major social breach--it's basically an incorrect date on the invitation and nothing more--I doubt that any of the guests will care enough to cancel or that they will be upset. It's not an issue of honesty with the guests, but it is with you and it should be and you have every right to be upset. My thought is that you might want to tell your guests--the ones YOU personally invited--that a civil ceremony has already taken place and that you thought they should know and you are calling at this late date because you were JUST informed. They will still come to the wedding and share your joy and you will feel better about not deceiving them.
Blessings, Limo Princess
Wedding invitation accepted but now I can't go
Dear Limo Princess,
Have responded yes to wedding and as it getting closer to the date, we are unable to make it. what do I do?
Dear Peggy,
You should call the bride to be and tell her that you are terribly sorry but you will be unable to attend the wedding even though you though had previously accepted the invitation. Apologize profusely and tell her that you very much wanted to share her joy but that a situation has arisen that is both critical and beyond your control and that you hope she will forgive you for canceling at the last moment. You should also send a small gift even though you aren't attending the wedding since she will have to pay the caterer for your dinners whether you attend or not. It is considered extremely rude to cancel an invitation to a wedding that you have already accepted for all but the direst emergency. No reason to cancel an accepted invitation to go to a different social engagement in place of the invitation you previously accepted will do except the following:"We regret that we are unable to attend your wedding as we have been invited by the President of the United States to dinner at the White House".
Have responded yes to wedding and as it getting closer to the date, we are unable to make it. what do I do?
Dear Peggy,
You should call the bride to be and tell her that you are terribly sorry but you will be unable to attend the wedding even though you though had previously accepted the invitation. Apologize profusely and tell her that you very much wanted to share her joy but that a situation has arisen that is both critical and beyond your control and that you hope she will forgive you for canceling at the last moment. You should also send a small gift even though you aren't attending the wedding since she will have to pay the caterer for your dinners whether you attend or not. It is considered extremely rude to cancel an invitation to a wedding that you have already accepted for all but the direst emergency. No reason to cancel an accepted invitation to go to a different social engagement in place of the invitation you previously accepted will do except the following:"We regret that we are unable to attend your wedding as we have been invited by the President of the United States to dinner at the White House".
Retirement Dinner Invitations
Dear Limo Princess,
I am putting together a surprise retirement party for a physician at a rather pricey restaurant. I would like to convey to individuals they are responsible for their own cocktails and dinner. Do I put this information in the invitation, if so how do I word this without sounding rude.
Dear Michele,
If you are sending invitations then it will be assumed that you are also picking up the tab for the dinner since invited guests are exactly that--guests.The proper way to do this is to telephone the people that you wish to attend and tell them group members are all meeting at the restaurant for dinner and Dr. Smith is attending and is unaware that people will be gathering there to wish him well in retirement and that you hope they will be able to join the celebration and that you have made arrangements at the restaurant for a group of people with separate checks. Then you ask if they will be able to attend as the restaurant will need a head count.It's not a retirement party unless the medical group/hospital or whomever is picking up the bill for the event.
I am putting together a surprise retirement party for a physician at a rather pricey restaurant. I would like to convey to individuals they are responsible for their own cocktails and dinner. Do I put this information in the invitation, if so how do I word this without sounding rude.
Dear Michele,
If you are sending invitations then it will be assumed that you are also picking up the tab for the dinner since invited guests are exactly that--guests.The proper way to do this is to telephone the people that you wish to attend and tell them group members are all meeting at the restaurant for dinner and Dr. Smith is attending and is unaware that people will be gathering there to wish him well in retirement and that you hope they will be able to join the celebration and that you have made arrangements at the restaurant for a group of people with separate checks. Then you ask if they will be able to attend as the restaurant will need a head count.It's not a retirement party unless the medical group/hospital or whomever is picking up the bill for the event.
Death of my doctors child
Dear Limo Princess,
My cardiologist, whom I've known for a decade or more has been pregnant with her second child over this past year. After delivery the baby developed complications and lingered in deteriorating health for three long months till he passed a week or so, ago. Although we are not close on a social basis, and aside from her obvious condition during her pregnancy and prior conversations about the new birth, baby names, its sex, how excited the sibling was etc. - she has not spoken about it since she has returned to her work after giving birth. She is in her early 30s and I in my late 80s. Our relationship is mostly professional, but she is dear to me on some level. She owns some of my art work and we have corresponded frequently over the years. I would like to express my condolence but know not how or the proper response, if any. Any help would be appreciated.
Kindest regards, Benno
Dear Benno,
A note from the heart will mean more to her than anything. I have tears in my eyes just from reading about your relationship and I am sure that you can write a note expressing your sympathy and support and it will mean a lot to her. Write it on your stationery in your own hand and mail it to her at home if you know the address and at her office if you don't. There are no words that will ease her heart at this time, but knowing that there are people who care enough to send a note will help her heal.
Sincerely,
Limo Princess
My cardiologist, whom I've known for a decade or more has been pregnant with her second child over this past year. After delivery the baby developed complications and lingered in deteriorating health for three long months till he passed a week or so, ago. Although we are not close on a social basis, and aside from her obvious condition during her pregnancy and prior conversations about the new birth, baby names, its sex, how excited the sibling was etc. - she has not spoken about it since she has returned to her work after giving birth. She is in her early 30s and I in my late 80s. Our relationship is mostly professional, but she is dear to me on some level. She owns some of my art work and we have corresponded frequently over the years. I would like to express my condolence but know not how or the proper response, if any. Any help would be appreciated.
Kindest regards, Benno
Dear Benno,
A note from the heart will mean more to her than anything. I have tears in my eyes just from reading about your relationship and I am sure that you can write a note expressing your sympathy and support and it will mean a lot to her. Write it on your stationery in your own hand and mail it to her at home if you know the address and at her office if you don't. There are no words that will ease her heart at this time, but knowing that there are people who care enough to send a note will help her heal.
Sincerely,
Limo Princess
"save the date" for birthday
Hi Limo Princess,
My children and I are planning a surprise 75th birthday party for my husband. It will be an evening of dinner and dancing at a restaurant/banquet venue for about 50 - 60 peopole. Some family and friends live several states away.Is it proper to send a "save the date" anouncement for a birthday party?If so, what about wording?
Thank you.
Mary
Dear Mary;
Absolutely--just send a "save the date" card and then the invitations about a month ahead so people can get reasonable plane fares. You can get "save the date" cards at many places and then fill them out and inside write "Fred's 75th birthday party".That should do it--and it sounds like a blast!! Have a great time and here's another hint--Wal-mart makes gorgeous wedding cakes and occasion cakes for MUCH less than anywhere and they are delicious! I got my wedding cake there--it was so beautiful--no one would believe it came from Wal-mart, it wasdelicious and it was $78!!
Absolutely--just send a "save the date" card and then the invitations about a month ahead so people can get reasonable plane fares. You can get "save the date" cards at many places and then fill them out and inside write "Fred's 75th birthday party".That should do it--and it sounds like a blast!! Have a great time and here's another hint--Wal-mart makes gorgeous wedding cakes and occasion cakes for MUCH less than anywhere and they are delicious! I got my wedding cake there--it was so beautiful--no one would believe it came from Wal-mart, it wasdelicious and it was $78!!
Graduate not participating in ceremony, but still graduating
Dear Limo Princess
My senior son was suspended from High School for a disciplinary infraction just three weeks before graduation. He is going to graduate, receive his diploma, and we are thankful for that. However, we were contemplating the appropriateness of having a reception to honor his achievements since he will not be able to walk through the ceremony. Is it appropriate? How would we word the invitations? It would be small to include close family and friends. Of course we can not use the expensive invitations with high school logo on them.Thanks for your advice. (I'm anxious to hear as we are talking about this school year (May 2008).
Dear LeeAnne,
A small party with close family and close friends will not be inappropriate, but I wouldn't make a giant production out of it. Send out small handwritten invitations and word them casually, something along the lines of: Dear Sue, As you know, our son John is graduating and we are having a small party to celebrate our baby getting ready to leave the nest! We hope that you and Sam can join us for the event on (date) at (time). We'd love to see you and are looking forward to catching up. Please let me know if you and Sam will be able to come!You would make no mention of the unpleasantness and of course it's up to them whether or not to bring a gift. Hope your party is a success!
Limo Princess
My senior son was suspended from High School for a disciplinary infraction just three weeks before graduation. He is going to graduate, receive his diploma, and we are thankful for that. However, we were contemplating the appropriateness of having a reception to honor his achievements since he will not be able to walk through the ceremony. Is it appropriate? How would we word the invitations? It would be small to include close family and friends. Of course we can not use the expensive invitations with high school logo on them.Thanks for your advice. (I'm anxious to hear as we are talking about this school year (May 2008).
Dear LeeAnne,
A small party with close family and close friends will not be inappropriate, but I wouldn't make a giant production out of it. Send out small handwritten invitations and word them casually, something along the lines of: Dear Sue, As you know, our son John is graduating and we are having a small party to celebrate our baby getting ready to leave the nest! We hope that you and Sam can join us for the event on (date) at (time). We'd love to see you and are looking forward to catching up. Please let me know if you and Sam will be able to come!You would make no mention of the unpleasantness and of course it's up to them whether or not to bring a gift. Hope your party is a success!
Limo Princess
Dear Limo Princess,
My great-niece is being baptized at the Baptist Church. Is it proper etiquette to send a gift or a card? This was an invited event.
Answer:
If there is a celebration after the ceremony at the home of the parents, then a small gift would be appropriate, but in the case of an infant, the gift should be something for the future such as a savings bond. It's in the baby's name and placed inside the card. If it's merely the church ceremony then it's optional whether or not you send a gift--and entirely up to you.
Congratulations on the new arrival!
Limo Princess
My great-niece is being baptized at the Baptist Church. Is it proper etiquette to send a gift or a card? This was an invited event.
Answer:
If there is a celebration after the ceremony at the home of the parents, then a small gift would be appropriate, but in the case of an infant, the gift should be something for the future such as a savings bond. It's in the baby's name and placed inside the card. If it's merely the church ceremony then it's optional whether or not you send a gift--and entirely up to you.
Congratulations on the new arrival!
Limo Princess
first communion party
Dear Limo Princess,
My daughter recently made her first communion. On the week of the mass, she was very ill, so we went to church for mass and canceled her party. I would like to have a reception now that she is feeling better, but do not know how to word the invites, only asking family and close friends --but feel that the occasion should be celebrated.
Answer:
I would telephone the previously invited guests and tell them that the new date for the party has been chosen and that you are looking forward to seeing them at the event! Give them some notice--don't schedule it for 2 days from now but a reasonable amount of time and then go ahead with the celebration.
Blessings, Limo Princess
My daughter recently made her first communion. On the week of the mass, she was very ill, so we went to church for mass and canceled her party. I would like to have a reception now that she is feeling better, but do not know how to word the invites, only asking family and close friends --but feel that the occasion should be celebrated.
Answer:
I would telephone the previously invited guests and tell them that the new date for the party has been chosen and that you are looking forward to seeing them at the event! Give them some notice--don't schedule it for 2 days from now but a reasonable amount of time and then go ahead with the celebration.
Blessings, Limo Princess
Graduation gift for brother-in-law
Dear Limo Princess,
My brother in law is graduating from Medical School. He and my wife dont have the greatest relationship, he is always mean to her, calling her stupid and whatnot (not very mature of a med school graduate). Nevertheless, my mother-in-law wants us to give him $500 and I think that is way too much, especially to someone that would show no appreciation for it. Mike
Dear Mike,
Many doctors are arrogant asses, but this doesn't seem to keep them from being good doctors. I admire and commend your defense of your wife and sympathize with you for having a jerk for a brother-in-law.That being said, it is your Mother-in-law's money and her decision so she has every right to give him whatever amount she wants for his med school graduation. You, however, can enjoy the knowledge that he is probably $250,000.00 in debt with student loans and will have to work like a dog for the next 3-5 years (48 hour shifts) with his internship and residency and will be AT LEAST 300K in the hole when he is finally finished training. Let him have the $500--believe me he needs it, and the road ahead of him is rocky--perhaps it will teach him to be a decent person too.
Blessings, Limo Princess
My brother in law is graduating from Medical School. He and my wife dont have the greatest relationship, he is always mean to her, calling her stupid and whatnot (not very mature of a med school graduate). Nevertheless, my mother-in-law wants us to give him $500 and I think that is way too much, especially to someone that would show no appreciation for it. Mike
Dear Mike,
Many doctors are arrogant asses, but this doesn't seem to keep them from being good doctors. I admire and commend your defense of your wife and sympathize with you for having a jerk for a brother-in-law.That being said, it is your Mother-in-law's money and her decision so she has every right to give him whatever amount she wants for his med school graduation. You, however, can enjoy the knowledge that he is probably $250,000.00 in debt with student loans and will have to work like a dog for the next 3-5 years (48 hour shifts) with his internship and residency and will be AT LEAST 300K in the hole when he is finally finished training. Let him have the $500--believe me he needs it, and the road ahead of him is rocky--perhaps it will teach him to be a decent person too.
Blessings, Limo Princess
clean hands!
Dear Limo Princess,
How do you tell a grown adult who is your employer that youre uncomfortable with her habits such as this wiping her nose thing with her fingers and touching Everything ...even food! , coughing in the open air... even in the kitchen!, leaving snotty tissues Everywhere, etc. She's always "sick" too. go figure! i dont want to get sick or have these germs on me or in my food either. and i dont want to be following her tracks with a disinfectant all day either! ive tried things like asking "do you need a tissue?" or even just handing her one. ive also expressed my discomfort with having to "run away" from her in the kitchen with the food in hand and covered. the whole habit just grosses me out. how do i communicate the need for stopping this "snotty" behavior in a way thats respectful as she is only human, twice my age, my employer, and housemate?
ANSWER: Oh dear--you have a dilemma don't you? I can only tell you what I would do and that would be:First, I'd find a video on sanitation and then sit down and watch it with her in the hopes that the message will sink in and she will change her ways. This probably won't work, but it lays the groundwork if you must go further--so if it doesn't work, thenI'd sit her down and talk to her gently but firmly and tell her that you are terribly fond of her and don't wish to hurt her feelings and that you have nothing but love in your heart and you must tell her this because you are concerned that she is always sick but you know that if she will listen to you that you can help her not be sick any more. Tell her you believe that the reason she is sick all the time is because of her not washing her hands. It's a medical fact that if you wash your hands six times a day, you will never be sick. Tell her that you want her to live a long and healthy life and that if she follows your advice that is indeed what will happen. Put out some pump bottles of sanitizing gel and tell her that you are worried that if she catches e.coli/whatever that she might not recover from it and you don't want that to happen. Explain to her that covering your mouth when you cough/sneeze and washing your hands after will prevent others from getting sick which will increase productivity at the office. Don't make it a personal attack, as it's the behavior not the person that needs to be addressed. I must tell you that you might want to update your resume and be prepared to move--but I don't think you can live/work around this too much longer judging from the tone of you plea for help.You could also do an intervention as a last resort before you move out and find a new job if it comes to that. I can tell that you are fond of her from the tone of your query and hopefully she will take this in the spirit in which it is intended.
Good Luck! Limo Princess
How do you tell a grown adult who is your employer that youre uncomfortable with her habits such as this wiping her nose thing with her fingers and touching Everything ...even food! , coughing in the open air... even in the kitchen!, leaving snotty tissues Everywhere, etc. She's always "sick" too. go figure! i dont want to get sick or have these germs on me or in my food either. and i dont want to be following her tracks with a disinfectant all day either! ive tried things like asking "do you need a tissue?" or even just handing her one. ive also expressed my discomfort with having to "run away" from her in the kitchen with the food in hand and covered. the whole habit just grosses me out. how do i communicate the need for stopping this "snotty" behavior in a way thats respectful as she is only human, twice my age, my employer, and housemate?
ANSWER: Oh dear--you have a dilemma don't you? I can only tell you what I would do and that would be:First, I'd find a video on sanitation and then sit down and watch it with her in the hopes that the message will sink in and she will change her ways. This probably won't work, but it lays the groundwork if you must go further--so if it doesn't work, thenI'd sit her down and talk to her gently but firmly and tell her that you are terribly fond of her and don't wish to hurt her feelings and that you have nothing but love in your heart and you must tell her this because you are concerned that she is always sick but you know that if she will listen to you that you can help her not be sick any more. Tell her you believe that the reason she is sick all the time is because of her not washing her hands. It's a medical fact that if you wash your hands six times a day, you will never be sick. Tell her that you want her to live a long and healthy life and that if she follows your advice that is indeed what will happen. Put out some pump bottles of sanitizing gel and tell her that you are worried that if she catches e.coli/whatever that she might not recover from it and you don't want that to happen. Explain to her that covering your mouth when you cough/sneeze and washing your hands after will prevent others from getting sick which will increase productivity at the office. Don't make it a personal attack, as it's the behavior not the person that needs to be addressed. I must tell you that you might want to update your resume and be prepared to move--but I don't think you can live/work around this too much longer judging from the tone of you plea for help.You could also do an intervention as a last resort before you move out and find a new job if it comes to that. I can tell that you are fond of her from the tone of your query and hopefully she will take this in the spirit in which it is intended.
Good Luck! Limo Princess
miscarriage
Dear Limo Princess,
My sister-in-law and brother recently had a miscarriage...is it appropriate to send a gift basket (i.e. favorite snacks, flowers) i live across the country but want them to know i am thinking of them-but do not want to seem tacky.
Answer:
Send a handwritten condolence letter from the heart. Do not use any phrase such as "there will be other babies" as that sounds so patronizing, but a sincere letter from the heart written in your hand on nice stationary will mean more than anything. Don't send a basket--she probably has baby things she can't bear to look at right now. Take her to lunch the next time you are there visiting--when she's physically recovered or for a pedicure--and if she wants to talk about it, just listen. Phone her and let her bring it up and again, just listen, and if she doesn't mention it then don't either. This will mean more to her than anything. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess
My sister-in-law and brother recently had a miscarriage...is it appropriate to send a gift basket (i.e. favorite snacks, flowers) i live across the country but want them to know i am thinking of them-but do not want to seem tacky.
Answer:
Send a handwritten condolence letter from the heart. Do not use any phrase such as "there will be other babies" as that sounds so patronizing, but a sincere letter from the heart written in your hand on nice stationary will mean more than anything. Don't send a basket--she probably has baby things she can't bear to look at right now. Take her to lunch the next time you are there visiting--when she's physically recovered or for a pedicure--and if she wants to talk about it, just listen. Phone her and let her bring it up and again, just listen, and if she doesn't mention it then don't either. This will mean more to her than anything. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess
Graduation parties
Question:
We are the parents of a high school senior who does not want to have a graduation party. We and our son have received invitations to 4 of his friend's parties. Are we supposed to bring a gift, even though we have a graduating senior ourselves?
Answer:
It is entirely up to you if you want to bring a gift or not. High School grads are notorious for sending tons of announcements to fish for gifts--it's reprehensible in my view. If you ATTEND a party for a grad then you should take a gift of your choosing--something like a savings bond would be OK--or whatever is in your budget. If you don't attend a party then you are not obligated for a gift unless you want to give one. It's sort of like the wedding gift if you go to the reception--even if your child is getting married the next week, you still take a gift.
Blessings, Limo Princess
We are the parents of a high school senior who does not want to have a graduation party. We and our son have received invitations to 4 of his friend's parties. Are we supposed to bring a gift, even though we have a graduating senior ourselves?
Answer:
It is entirely up to you if you want to bring a gift or not. High School grads are notorious for sending tons of announcements to fish for gifts--it's reprehensible in my view. If you ATTEND a party for a grad then you should take a gift of your choosing--something like a savings bond would be OK--or whatever is in your budget. If you don't attend a party then you are not obligated for a gift unless you want to give one. It's sort of like the wedding gift if you go to the reception--even if your child is getting married the next week, you still take a gift.
Blessings, Limo Princess
Wedding Vows
Dear Limo Princess,
I am getting married overseas, my parents aren't able to attend our wedding but I would still like to include them in the vows. Help. Is there any sites or do you have any suggestions that include parents who can't attend the wedding in the wedding vows?
Thank you,Erica
Dear Erica,
I put my wedding on YouTube for my parents who were unable to attend. I would suggest you get a laptop with a web cam and let them watch it live--and you can also put the video on YouTube for everyone to see and enjoy! Might as well take advantage of the technology available to us!
Blessings, Limo Princess
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Thanks for the answer but it wasn't quite what I meant. I would like to somehow have the Celebrant acknowledge that my parents cannot be there in person, and am seeking the words or wording to do so.
Ahhhhhhhhh OK! When the part of the ceremony comes where the officiant asks: Who gives this woman to this man, you have a surrogate stand up and say something like: "Her parents Mr and Mrs Smith do even though they can't be here to share the joy" and then sit down.I misinterpreted your question Erica, I'm so sorry! I hope this is what you are looking for. It doesn't have to be those exact words but it should be to the point and not be a speech.'
Blessings and Congratulations!
Limo Princess
I am getting married overseas, my parents aren't able to attend our wedding but I would still like to include them in the vows. Help. Is there any sites or do you have any suggestions that include parents who can't attend the wedding in the wedding vows?
Thank you,Erica
Dear Erica,
I put my wedding on YouTube for my parents who were unable to attend. I would suggest you get a laptop with a web cam and let them watch it live--and you can also put the video on YouTube for everyone to see and enjoy! Might as well take advantage of the technology available to us!
Blessings, Limo Princess
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Thanks for the answer but it wasn't quite what I meant. I would like to somehow have the Celebrant acknowledge that my parents cannot be there in person, and am seeking the words or wording to do so.
Ahhhhhhhhh OK! When the part of the ceremony comes where the officiant asks: Who gives this woman to this man, you have a surrogate stand up and say something like: "Her parents Mr and Mrs Smith do even though they can't be here to share the joy" and then sit down.I misinterpreted your question Erica, I'm so sorry! I hope this is what you are looking for. It doesn't have to be those exact words but it should be to the point and not be a speech.'
Blessings and Congratulations!
Limo Princess
engagement party attire
Dear Limo Princess;
We are having an brunch engagement party outdoors in July. How do we indicate on the invitations of a dress code? The party theme is garden tea but the couple is very young. Is "country club casual" appropriate? Any suggestions? I do not want shorts & flip flops!! Please help!!
Dear Reader,
No matter what you put on the invitations, people will wear what they are going to wear. I have seen people show up in cutoffs and a t-shirt for weddings in South Florida, and it made me shudder however the mark of a true hostess is to make sure her guests are never uncomfortable. There's a story about a First Lady who had a formal tea with very old, delicate and expensive White House china. When a guest accidentally broke her cup and was apologizing profusely, the First Lady said "Oh no--it's not your fault, they are very fragile, see?" and then smashed hers to make the point. No matter what the bridal couple's guest show up wearing, you must hide your distress and make them welcome. One can only hope that they are well-bred enough to know that "country club casual" does not include shorts and flip-flops.
We are having an brunch engagement party outdoors in July. How do we indicate on the invitations of a dress code? The party theme is garden tea but the couple is very young. Is "country club casual" appropriate? Any suggestions? I do not want shorts & flip flops!! Please help!!
Dear Reader,
No matter what you put on the invitations, people will wear what they are going to wear. I have seen people show up in cutoffs and a t-shirt for weddings in South Florida, and it made me shudder however the mark of a true hostess is to make sure her guests are never uncomfortable. There's a story about a First Lady who had a formal tea with very old, delicate and expensive White House china. When a guest accidentally broke her cup and was apologizing profusely, the First Lady said "Oh no--it's not your fault, they are very fragile, see?" and then smashed hers to make the point. No matter what the bridal couple's guest show up wearing, you must hide your distress and make them welcome. One can only hope that they are well-bred enough to know that "country club casual" does not include shorts and flip-flops.
Engagement Gifts
Question:
My daughter is getting engaged soon. We'd like to know if it is proper and/or customary for her to get her boyfriend an engagement gift. Thank you.
Answer:
In the last few years, women have started giving their fiance an engagement ring, but it's by no means a common practice or expected. If she wants to and can afford it, fine, and if not, it's not a breach of etiquette.
My daughter is getting engaged soon. We'd like to know if it is proper and/or customary for her to get her boyfriend an engagement gift. Thank you.
Answer:
In the last few years, women have started giving their fiance an engagement ring, but it's by no means a common practice or expected. If she wants to and can afford it, fine, and if not, it's not a breach of etiquette.
Wedding invitation--sort of?
I received an emailed wedding invitation, about a week before the wedding, addressed to a business group, rather than to me as an individual. The "cover email" states that the sender knows that the wedding is scheduled on a holiday weekend, so the sender wants us to be with our families, however, we can view the wedding on a website. The sender also included the sender's home address as an attachment. I have never received a wedding invitation of this sort. The person sending it is also a business acquaintance with substantial ability to dictate regarding my job. I assume that I am to send a gift?Thanks. Confused
Answer:
If one does not attend a wedding, then one is under no obligation to send a gift. The only exception is when you are close friends of trhe bride or groom and you WANT to send a gift.
Answer:
If one does not attend a wedding, then one is under no obligation to send a gift. The only exception is when you are close friends of trhe bride or groom and you WANT to send a gift.
College Graduation
Question:
As a graduate sending out announcements, can I have a note on my announcement telling people NOT to send money. I don't want my relatives to feel obligated as they have already pawned up money for high school graduation, bachelors degree graduation, and part of my trip to Panama. I am graduating with my Masters.
Answer:
Yes you can. You simply add the words "No Gifts Please" to the announcements.Congratulations, I know how much work it is to get a Master's degree.
As a graduate sending out announcements, can I have a note on my announcement telling people NOT to send money. I don't want my relatives to feel obligated as they have already pawned up money for high school graduation, bachelors degree graduation, and part of my trip to Panama. I am graduating with my Masters.
Answer:
Yes you can. You simply add the words "No Gifts Please" to the announcements.Congratulations, I know how much work it is to get a Master's degree.
25th anniversary vow renewal ceremony
Dear Limo Princess,
My Mother and stepfather live in Arkansas and have decided to renew their vows and have a ceremony in September and have asked my eldest sister to plan the event and she agreed to do so. My sister and I both live in Kansas. The problem is that there was no discussion beforehand about who would pay for everything. My mother told my sister over the phone to call our step-brother in Florida and ask him to donate money and send it to her to help pay for expenses. My sister is very upset now that she realizes that Mom is expecting her to foot the bill, but she will not say anything to my mother because my Mom is and always has been a difficult person and is hard to get along with, she is pushy and argumentative. Mom also believes herself to be an expert on etiquette. My question is this: Is it proper for parents to expect their children to pay for a ceremony like this? My sister just got through spending hundreds of dollars on a retirement party for my real father, everyone was impressed, which is why Mom probably asked her to handle this event too. My sister and her husband are not wealthy, and we kids cannot afford to pay for this extravagant event. I asked my sister if she minded if I get involved and call my mom to help straighten this out before the invitations go out and my sister said NO, she is afraid another family feud will begin. My sister is very upset about this. Should I get involved, or stay out of it? HELP !
Answer:
The only way that your sister is obligated to pay for this is if it was HER idea. It is outrageous and incredibly rude for your mother to dream up this party and expect your sister to pay for it. It sounds like the only reason they are having this party to begin with is because they are jealous that your sister gave a party for your father. Your sister should write your mother a note and tell her that while she is delighted to help plan the party, her finances are not such that she can afford to pay for it. She might want to include a couple of estimates from a caterer of about what your mother can expect to have to pay for whichever type of party that she wishes to have. She should also make it clear that she has no intention of calling your stepbrother in Florida and extorting money from him. If your mother wants to renew her vows, that's lovely but it's her party and your sister is under NO obligation whatsoever to pay for a party she was coerced into planning. If Mom wants to dance and call the tune then she also needs to pay the piper. No one has the right to make you pay for a party just because you offered to help plan it, and it is preposterous to expect her to do so.
My Mother and stepfather live in Arkansas and have decided to renew their vows and have a ceremony in September and have asked my eldest sister to plan the event and she agreed to do so. My sister and I both live in Kansas. The problem is that there was no discussion beforehand about who would pay for everything. My mother told my sister over the phone to call our step-brother in Florida and ask him to donate money and send it to her to help pay for expenses. My sister is very upset now that she realizes that Mom is expecting her to foot the bill, but she will not say anything to my mother because my Mom is and always has been a difficult person and is hard to get along with, she is pushy and argumentative. Mom also believes herself to be an expert on etiquette. My question is this: Is it proper for parents to expect their children to pay for a ceremony like this? My sister just got through spending hundreds of dollars on a retirement party for my real father, everyone was impressed, which is why Mom probably asked her to handle this event too. My sister and her husband are not wealthy, and we kids cannot afford to pay for this extravagant event. I asked my sister if she minded if I get involved and call my mom to help straighten this out before the invitations go out and my sister said NO, she is afraid another family feud will begin. My sister is very upset about this. Should I get involved, or stay out of it? HELP !
Answer:
The only way that your sister is obligated to pay for this is if it was HER idea. It is outrageous and incredibly rude for your mother to dream up this party and expect your sister to pay for it. It sounds like the only reason they are having this party to begin with is because they are jealous that your sister gave a party for your father. Your sister should write your mother a note and tell her that while she is delighted to help plan the party, her finances are not such that she can afford to pay for it. She might want to include a couple of estimates from a caterer of about what your mother can expect to have to pay for whichever type of party that she wishes to have. She should also make it clear that she has no intention of calling your stepbrother in Florida and extorting money from him. If your mother wants to renew her vows, that's lovely but it's her party and your sister is under NO obligation whatsoever to pay for a party she was coerced into planning. If Mom wants to dance and call the tune then she also needs to pay the piper. No one has the right to make you pay for a party just because you offered to help plan it, and it is preposterous to expect her to do so.
Visitors entering the Master bedroom
How appropriate is it for someone/relative to enter the master bedroom of a home without being invited?
It is incredibly rude!! The MBR is totally off limits to any guest unless they are specifically invited in by the hostess WHILE SHE IS IN THE ROOM. If they are houseguests, they knock in the morning and wait to be acknowledged and invited in before entering. At a dinner party or other non-overnight event, no polite person EVER enters the master bedroom without a specific invitation. The only exception to this is if it is a one-bedroom apartment and you must go through the bedroom to use the bathroom. Relatives are a slightly different matter, but they should still respect the sanctity of the MBR.
It is incredibly rude!! The MBR is totally off limits to any guest unless they are specifically invited in by the hostess WHILE SHE IS IN THE ROOM. If they are houseguests, they knock in the morning and wait to be acknowledged and invited in before entering. At a dinner party or other non-overnight event, no polite person EVER enters the master bedroom without a specific invitation. The only exception to this is if it is a one-bedroom apartment and you must go through the bedroom to use the bathroom. Relatives are a slightly different matter, but they should still respect the sanctity of the MBR.
High school graduation gifts or cards?
Question:
Hi Limo Princess!
My daughter is graduating from high school this year and she has asked me a very interesting question that I myself am not sure how to answer.... She has friends and acquaintainces who are graduating along with her, and therefore there will be plenty of open house party invites... Some of her friends are ones that we, as her parents, have gotten a chance to get to know and I would like to give them a gift (card with $); there are also some that I don't know as well, and some that I have barely met (if at all.) My daughter asked me last night what would be the proper gift to give (if any). My daughter has next to no money of her own, so it's not a practical option for her to give cash gifts to everyone. I admit that if my daughter weren't also graduating this year, I may feel better prepared to give her friends a bigger check than it feels as though I can afford at this time. And then there was the comment my daughter made "If we all give money to each other, aren't we just defeating the purpose and trading the same money back and forth?" I'm not sure about this one. Please advise. We are not wealthy, but live in an area where just about everyone is comfortable, at least. There are a few friends who I know have some money issues and those are the ones I would feel especially like giving a check to, but I guess I need some ideas. Is it cheap if my daughter just gives a nice card to most of her friends? Thanks head of time for your answer, Linsey
Linsey,
You are not obligated to give a gift to anyone unless you attend their party--and even then it can be something small or a card. Teens use High School graduation to extract gifts from everyone they have ever met and it's ridiculous. The rule I use is if it's someone my child give/receives a birthday gift from, they are close enough to rate a graduation gift. If not, maybe a card. Graduating from high school is not an excuse to hold up your friends and family for gifts although most high school seniors use it as a way to fish for gifts.
Hi Limo Princess!
My daughter is graduating from high school this year and she has asked me a very interesting question that I myself am not sure how to answer.... She has friends and acquaintainces who are graduating along with her, and therefore there will be plenty of open house party invites... Some of her friends are ones that we, as her parents, have gotten a chance to get to know and I would like to give them a gift (card with $); there are also some that I don't know as well, and some that I have barely met (if at all.) My daughter asked me last night what would be the proper gift to give (if any). My daughter has next to no money of her own, so it's not a practical option for her to give cash gifts to everyone. I admit that if my daughter weren't also graduating this year, I may feel better prepared to give her friends a bigger check than it feels as though I can afford at this time. And then there was the comment my daughter made "If we all give money to each other, aren't we just defeating the purpose and trading the same money back and forth?" I'm not sure about this one. Please advise. We are not wealthy, but live in an area where just about everyone is comfortable, at least. There are a few friends who I know have some money issues and those are the ones I would feel especially like giving a check to, but I guess I need some ideas. Is it cheap if my daughter just gives a nice card to most of her friends? Thanks head of time for your answer, Linsey
Linsey,
You are not obligated to give a gift to anyone unless you attend their party--and even then it can be something small or a card. Teens use High School graduation to extract gifts from everyone they have ever met and it's ridiculous. The rule I use is if it's someone my child give/receives a birthday gift from, they are close enough to rate a graduation gift. If not, maybe a card. Graduating from high school is not an excuse to hold up your friends and family for gifts although most high school seniors use it as a way to fish for gifts.
Wedding Video
I am the mother of the bride and I received a wedding video from a relation of the groom, who was also in the wedding. The only pictures of the bride was when she was with the groom or a member of the grooms family, it was as though she had no mother or family members. The video was filled with pictures of the family members that took the video. I realize that is not uncommon, but my question is should I have received a copy of this video, it hurt my feelings.
Answer:
Oh dear. It should not have hurt your feelings, everyone videos the part of the wedding that they are interested in, and they are trying to be thoughtful by sending you a copy of the video. If you look at the video taken by someone from your side of the family, there will be a preponderance of photos from your side of the family, that's just human nature. They wanted to share the photos of your lovely daughter at her beautiful wedding with her new family members--they didn't mean any harm. Please Nora--take it in the spirit in which it was intended and enjoy it--after all, you already know what all your relatives look like--now you will recognize your daughters in-laws when you see them again at her home in years to come. Don't take it as a slight--it wasn't meant that way and the people who sent it to you would be CRUSHED if they thought they had upset you. After all, they just wanted to share it with you and it was a nice gesture on their part--most people wouldn't even have bothered.
Answer:
Oh dear. It should not have hurt your feelings, everyone videos the part of the wedding that they are interested in, and they are trying to be thoughtful by sending you a copy of the video. If you look at the video taken by someone from your side of the family, there will be a preponderance of photos from your side of the family, that's just human nature. They wanted to share the photos of your lovely daughter at her beautiful wedding with her new family members--they didn't mean any harm. Please Nora--take it in the spirit in which it was intended and enjoy it--after all, you already know what all your relatives look like--now you will recognize your daughters in-laws when you see them again at her home in years to come. Don't take it as a slight--it wasn't meant that way and the people who sent it to you would be CRUSHED if they thought they had upset you. After all, they just wanted to share it with you and it was a nice gesture on their part--most people wouldn't even have bothered.
High School Graduation Open House Attendance and Gifts
With neighbors, should I invite them as a courtesy to OUR open houses even if we are not friends. We are not enemies, but if the rule is to invite only those with a close relationship, do I still invite them as a courtesy only? Thank you again for your help.
ANSWER: The basic rule of thumb in life is to invite people that you like and wish to spend time with. If your neighbors are in this group, invite them. If they aren't, you are not under social obligation to them simply because they bought the house next to you. I personally like my neighbors--I think they are lovely people and I invite them to things because they are so terrific about getting my mail and watering my plants when I travel. I also bring them a little gift from everywhere I go as a thank you for all they do for me. My neighbors on the other side wouldn't know me if they fell over me so they aren't on my guest list.
FOLLOW-UP --QUESTION: You have been incredibly helpful in all of this. I would like to specifically ask another question. Even though I've passed on your input to him regarding the attendance of the neighbors' invite, he still wants to go with one of our children without me. The one neighbor has been to his podiatry office a few times with one of their children, so he feels obligated to go, even though we have no social or real neighborly friendship-type relationship. I told him I would be very upset if he went without me and feel this would make me look bad. I just flat out don't want to go. This girl has never spoken one sentence to us and has gone out of her way not to be friendly. Am I justified in how I am feeling, and would it be wrong for my husband to go without me? I feel like he always looks like the good guy. I am not trying to be mean, but we have no close connection with either neighbor and I feel like we are either just being use for a money gift or for courtesy only. Please help! Thank you.
ANSWER: Ahhhh my dear--you witheld pertinent information--you bad girl!! You didn't mention that he was a patient of your husband's medical practice, that makes it different--and you are right, if hubby goes and you don't it will make you look bad. You're going to have to take one for the team. Hubby is obligated to go because he does have a professional relationship with the neighbor. You should make an appearance with your husband because this neighbor considers your husband to be a friend, and by extension so are you. Since your husband wishes to attend anyway, I'm going to tell you how to be perfectly polite and still not have to spend a lot of time at the party. When you arrive with your husband, you go to the host and the graduate and you say to them: "I have the most horrible migraine, but I didn't want to miss your lovely party. I want to congratulate you on your graduation and wish you continued future success." Then you walk away and find the hostess and tell her that you are crestfallen but you must leave her party because your head is about to explode from the terrible migraine, but you wanted to thank her for inviting you and apologize for having to leave so soon, and then you leave. You will have been perfectly polite and you will get points for walking through the door when you were suffering. This should take about 5 minutes and although it's a total waste of makeup, you will have avoided slighting one of your husband's patients who no doubt refers your husband to friends. Times being what they are those referrals can be quite rewarding.
FOLLOW-UP--QUESTION: Although I don't want to, I will attend as you suggested, because I really do want to do the right thing. The only thing I can't do is lie and say I have a migraine. I'll just go and make the best of it. Thanks again for all of your advice. I really do appreciate it, and you have been incredibly helpful.
Answer:
LOL I'll send you my daughter's phone number. Talking to her ALWAYS give me a headache-I'm willing to be incredibly generous and share her with you.....10 minutes before the party--one little phone call and your head will feel like someone whacked you with a sledge hammer.
ANSWER: The basic rule of thumb in life is to invite people that you like and wish to spend time with. If your neighbors are in this group, invite them. If they aren't, you are not under social obligation to them simply because they bought the house next to you. I personally like my neighbors--I think they are lovely people and I invite them to things because they are so terrific about getting my mail and watering my plants when I travel. I also bring them a little gift from everywhere I go as a thank you for all they do for me. My neighbors on the other side wouldn't know me if they fell over me so they aren't on my guest list.
FOLLOW-UP --QUESTION: You have been incredibly helpful in all of this. I would like to specifically ask another question. Even though I've passed on your input to him regarding the attendance of the neighbors' invite, he still wants to go with one of our children without me. The one neighbor has been to his podiatry office a few times with one of their children, so he feels obligated to go, even though we have no social or real neighborly friendship-type relationship. I told him I would be very upset if he went without me and feel this would make me look bad. I just flat out don't want to go. This girl has never spoken one sentence to us and has gone out of her way not to be friendly. Am I justified in how I am feeling, and would it be wrong for my husband to go without me? I feel like he always looks like the good guy. I am not trying to be mean, but we have no close connection with either neighbor and I feel like we are either just being use for a money gift or for courtesy only. Please help! Thank you.
ANSWER: Ahhhh my dear--you witheld pertinent information--you bad girl!! You didn't mention that he was a patient of your husband's medical practice, that makes it different--and you are right, if hubby goes and you don't it will make you look bad. You're going to have to take one for the team. Hubby is obligated to go because he does have a professional relationship with the neighbor. You should make an appearance with your husband because this neighbor considers your husband to be a friend, and by extension so are you. Since your husband wishes to attend anyway, I'm going to tell you how to be perfectly polite and still not have to spend a lot of time at the party. When you arrive with your husband, you go to the host and the graduate and you say to them: "I have the most horrible migraine, but I didn't want to miss your lovely party. I want to congratulate you on your graduation and wish you continued future success." Then you walk away and find the hostess and tell her that you are crestfallen but you must leave her party because your head is about to explode from the terrible migraine, but you wanted to thank her for inviting you and apologize for having to leave so soon, and then you leave. You will have been perfectly polite and you will get points for walking through the door when you were suffering. This should take about 5 minutes and although it's a total waste of makeup, you will have avoided slighting one of your husband's patients who no doubt refers your husband to friends. Times being what they are those referrals can be quite rewarding.
FOLLOW-UP--QUESTION: Although I don't want to, I will attend as you suggested, because I really do want to do the right thing. The only thing I can't do is lie and say I have a migraine. I'll just go and make the best of it. Thanks again for all of your advice. I really do appreciate it, and you have been incredibly helpful.
Answer:
LOL I'll send you my daughter's phone number. Talking to her ALWAYS give me a headache-I'm willing to be incredibly generous and share her with you.....10 minutes before the party--one little phone call and your head will feel like someone whacked you with a sledge hammer.
death of spouse while going through a divorce
Hello,What is the proper way to address the loss of a spouse when the couple was in the middle of a divorce? Should I still send a sympathy card to the surviving spouse? What is the proper thing to say? Amy
Dear Amy,
Oh my--this is a sticky one isn't it? I think it would depend upon whether or not it was a friendly divorce. If it was an acrimonious divorce, then send the sympathy note to the children (if any) but not to the surviving spouse (assuming that she is not a suspect). Hallmark doesn't make a card for this, so send it in letter form on your personal stationery. If it was a friendly divorce and/or they were parents, then a carefully worded card would be OK. I would word it something like, "I'm sorry to hear of John's passing, even though you two were divorcing, I know you must be grieving too."Do the standard offer of "If I can help you in any way......" and let it go at that.
Limo Princess
Dear Amy,
Oh my--this is a sticky one isn't it? I think it would depend upon whether or not it was a friendly divorce. If it was an acrimonious divorce, then send the sympathy note to the children (if any) but not to the surviving spouse (assuming that she is not a suspect). Hallmark doesn't make a card for this, so send it in letter form on your personal stationery. If it was a friendly divorce and/or they were parents, then a carefully worded card would be OK. I would word it something like, "I'm sorry to hear of John's passing, even though you two were divorcing, I know you must be grieving too."Do the standard offer of "If I can help you in any way......" and let it go at that.
Limo Princess
dinner out
My father, aged 86, died a week ago and the funeral was several days ago. The phone has been ringing nonstop with condolences. Is is proper for my husband and I to go out to dinner one week after his death?
Dear Adrienne,
Of course you can go out to dinner. Life goes on, and I am sure you are working diligently on the thank you notes for the food, flowers and condolence cards so you deserve a night out.I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Dear Adrienne,
Of course you can go out to dinner. Life goes on, and I am sure you are working diligently on the thank you notes for the food, flowers and condolence cards so you deserve a night out.I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Graduation Celebration Guest Etiquette
My husband has been the basketball/baseball coach of a few kids that are now graduating high school. Each of them is having a separate celebration of their own (not on the same day). As invited guests, how long is an appropriate time for us to stay at each celebration? Is 30 minutes too short? Is 60 minutes too long?
Thanks, Tammy
He can stay as long as he likes or leave after congratulating the graduate and wishing him/her well. If you are having a good time, then you stay--you are invited guests--if not, then you leave. There's no rule as to minimum/maximum time at a party, however if the sun is coming up and everyone has gone to bed, you may have stayed a tad too long.
Enjoy,
Limo Princess
Thanks, Tammy
He can stay as long as he likes or leave after congratulating the graduate and wishing him/her well. If you are having a good time, then you stay--you are invited guests--if not, then you leave. There's no rule as to minimum/maximum time at a party, however if the sun is coming up and everyone has gone to bed, you may have stayed a tad too long.
Enjoy,
Limo Princess
gift trip question
Hello, I am in a quandry about this situation. I just bought my husband a trip to the US Open in San Diego for Fathers Day. The trip is for two; airfare, car rental, hotel and US Open entry fees. He wants to ask a friend to go with him and charge him half the amount I paid. He figures he paid for it even tho I bought it and no one should get to go for free! I do not feel this way at all. If I get a trip, I will choose to take a friend and not dream of asking them to pay for it. If they want to buy me dinner and maybe some gas, that would be great. What do you think? Thank you for your help!
Colleen dear,Men are different in many ways from us and this situation demonstrates it perfectly. Keep in mind that with most married couples, men view all the household income as "OUR" money. Although I agree with your point of view and would do it the same way, men view this sort of thing differently than we do--and I'd bet my life that your husband presented the opportunity to his buddy along the lines of: "Hey John--I got some tickets to the US Open--wanna go with and split the cost?" to which his buddy said "Oh cool--I'm there, let me know what my half is and I'll give you a check/cash for it" because this is how men do things. It wasn't presented the way we would do it which is to say: "Jane--my husband gave me a trip for two to the spa in San Diego and I want you to come along as my guest." If a man said that to another man it would be viewed as a come-on for some unmentionable acts--it's a gender thing--and the friendship would be irreparably harmed. Close your eyes and ears to it and let it go--after all, a gift with strings isn't a gift so let him do as he wishes. This situation, like so many others, is one that causes women to shake our heads and say "MEN." in the tone we all instantly recognize and understand.
All the Best,
LimoPrincess
Colleen dear,Men are different in many ways from us and this situation demonstrates it perfectly. Keep in mind that with most married couples, men view all the household income as "OUR" money. Although I agree with your point of view and would do it the same way, men view this sort of thing differently than we do--and I'd bet my life that your husband presented the opportunity to his buddy along the lines of: "Hey John--I got some tickets to the US Open--wanna go with and split the cost?" to which his buddy said "Oh cool--I'm there, let me know what my half is and I'll give you a check/cash for it" because this is how men do things. It wasn't presented the way we would do it which is to say: "Jane--my husband gave me a trip for two to the spa in San Diego and I want you to come along as my guest." If a man said that to another man it would be viewed as a come-on for some unmentionable acts--it's a gender thing--and the friendship would be irreparably harmed. Close your eyes and ears to it and let it go--after all, a gift with strings isn't a gift so let him do as he wishes. This situation, like so many others, is one that causes women to shake our heads and say "MEN." in the tone we all instantly recognize and understand.
All the Best,
LimoPrincess
husband doesn't answer/return calls
My husband often ignores calls that come in on his cell phone from his friends. He's not necessarily busy with anything at the time, he just doesn't feel like answering or talking to them and it's not like there are that many calls. We're talking about just a few friends. One friend frequently gets annoyed at this, because not only does he ignore the calls, but doesn't even return the call in a timely manner, or at all. Last night a friend he only talks to about once a month called and he again ignored it. Tonight I asked if he ever returned the call and he said he hadn't even listened to the message yet. I told him that I thought he was being rude and I was glad he wasn't one of my friends (I didn't mean it like it sounds of course). So am I out of line to think he should answer his friend's calls, or does the availability of caller id grant us that prerogative?
Dear Danica,
As you have noticed, there are very few calls. As time goes by there will be none at all since even the most devoted friend will abandon him eventually and he has only himself to blame. It's rude not to return phone calls when people leave messages but obviously he doesn't care or he'd return the calls. When he has no friends, you will know why. His behavior is no reflection on you and you aren't responsible for him so ignore it--there's nothing you can do anyway and he will learn what I have told you already in time. Obviously you are a lovely and polite person, but there's nothing you can do without antagonizing your husband, so let it go.
Dear Danica,
As you have noticed, there are very few calls. As time goes by there will be none at all since even the most devoted friend will abandon him eventually and he has only himself to blame. It's rude not to return phone calls when people leave messages but obviously he doesn't care or he'd return the calls. When he has no friends, you will know why. His behavior is no reflection on you and you aren't responsible for him so ignore it--there's nothing you can do anyway and he will learn what I have told you already in time. Obviously you are a lovely and polite person, but there's nothing you can do without antagonizing your husband, so let it go.
Charge admission to a party?
Dear Limo Princess,
My brother and future sister in law often throw parties at their house for their friends. We talked about having a bbq there for the holiday weekend and I offered to bring whatever they would like, all she needed to do was tell me beforehand. The night before the party I received a text message stating that there would be a $15 a person charge to attend. This is not the first time she has charged for dinner but since she hasn't tried in a while I assumed she had thought the better of it. I think it's tacky and am offended. Granted, they did put in the money for the food and beer, but we would have happily brought our own beer and made or brought anything that would be asked of us. Even if they had asked us to help front the bill earlier than the night before it wouldn't have been so offensive. I am considering not attending and unsure if it is my place to bring it up to her that asking people to pay a cover to come to your house is crass. I am concerned however that left unaddressed this will be a recurring issue in our relationship. I don't want to offend but I also don't want to be resentful or find excuses why we cannot attend. Is there a way to emerge from this gracefully?
Dear Reader,
I had to read your question three times and I am still horrified that someone could be so incredibly loutish as to use a social situation as an economic enterprise. Your FUTURE sister-in-law is in desperate need of a remedial course in social graces. I am convinced she was raised by wolves that were living behind the trailer park. It is about 23 light years PAST uncouth to charge someone to come to your home when they are there by your invitation--it is just simply NOT DONE--and I am amazed that ANYONE would attend anything at her home. Most certainly you should not attend this event and as for being worried about offending her I don't think it's possible for you to offend anyone who has the absolute gall to charge people for accepting an invitation. She is beyond being offended by anything short of human sacrifice and I'm wondering about that! There is NO SITUATION where charging people to attend a social event to which they were invited to is acceptable--NONE!! It is absolutely totally socially unacceptable in any situation to do this and your brother should really reconsider marrying this woman if he wants to keep his friends and family on speaking terms with him. The only socially acceptable way to share the cost of a social event is to ask people to bring a dish of whatever you ask them to make. I've hosted potlucks which are a lot of fun because I call it a recipe exchange which everyone loves because they get to taste a lot of things and get the recipes for ones they want to make in the future. There's a name for parties people are charged to attend, they are called fundraisers. People DO attend them by invitation but know they are expected to pay to attend from the beginning, they are for whatever cause and are tax deductible. Your way out of this is to tell your crass, rude and totally socially unacceptable future sister-in-law that you only attend fundraisers for causes that are tax-deductible. This will leave her speechless and baffled and might possibly clue her into the fact that she needs to learn social graces. With any luck she will do this immediately and spare your poor brother the lifetime of embarrassment that marrying this woman will heap on him. What will happen when he invites his boss for dinner? Will she present him with a bill at the end of the evening? It's too horrible to think about the many ways this woman will socially ostracize him, but perhaps he will come to his senses and insist she learn manners.
My brother and future sister in law often throw parties at their house for their friends. We talked about having a bbq there for the holiday weekend and I offered to bring whatever they would like, all she needed to do was tell me beforehand. The night before the party I received a text message stating that there would be a $15 a person charge to attend. This is not the first time she has charged for dinner but since she hasn't tried in a while I assumed she had thought the better of it. I think it's tacky and am offended. Granted, they did put in the money for the food and beer, but we would have happily brought our own beer and made or brought anything that would be asked of us. Even if they had asked us to help front the bill earlier than the night before it wouldn't have been so offensive. I am considering not attending and unsure if it is my place to bring it up to her that asking people to pay a cover to come to your house is crass. I am concerned however that left unaddressed this will be a recurring issue in our relationship. I don't want to offend but I also don't want to be resentful or find excuses why we cannot attend. Is there a way to emerge from this gracefully?
Dear Reader,
I had to read your question three times and I am still horrified that someone could be so incredibly loutish as to use a social situation as an economic enterprise. Your FUTURE sister-in-law is in desperate need of a remedial course in social graces. I am convinced she was raised by wolves that were living behind the trailer park. It is about 23 light years PAST uncouth to charge someone to come to your home when they are there by your invitation--it is just simply NOT DONE--and I am amazed that ANYONE would attend anything at her home. Most certainly you should not attend this event and as for being worried about offending her I don't think it's possible for you to offend anyone who has the absolute gall to charge people for accepting an invitation. She is beyond being offended by anything short of human sacrifice and I'm wondering about that! There is NO SITUATION where charging people to attend a social event to which they were invited to is acceptable--NONE!! It is absolutely totally socially unacceptable in any situation to do this and your brother should really reconsider marrying this woman if he wants to keep his friends and family on speaking terms with him. The only socially acceptable way to share the cost of a social event is to ask people to bring a dish of whatever you ask them to make. I've hosted potlucks which are a lot of fun because I call it a recipe exchange which everyone loves because they get to taste a lot of things and get the recipes for ones they want to make in the future. There's a name for parties people are charged to attend, they are called fundraisers. People DO attend them by invitation but know they are expected to pay to attend from the beginning, they are for whatever cause and are tax deductible. Your way out of this is to tell your crass, rude and totally socially unacceptable future sister-in-law that you only attend fundraisers for causes that are tax-deductible. This will leave her speechless and baffled and might possibly clue her into the fact that she needs to learn social graces. With any luck she will do this immediately and spare your poor brother the lifetime of embarrassment that marrying this woman will heap on him. What will happen when he invites his boss for dinner? Will she present him with a bill at the end of the evening? It's too horrible to think about the many ways this woman will socially ostracize him, but perhaps he will come to his senses and insist she learn manners.
RSVP protocol-out of country wedding
Question:
Hello-My cousin is getting married this September in Italy,-where he lives(and was born and raised.) Many of the extended family lives in the United States. He has invited many of those family members in the states to attemd wedding in Italy. While some have said they will be going, others have been non-committal,or have said no, due to the cost and logisitics of making the trip. This is a person who visited us with his sisters many times when he was younger. This brings me to the question: What is the proper protocol for RSVPing to a wedding in a different country that involves significant travel and expense? We have received email invites, and I am still am trying to see if I can go to this September wedding. No deadline was set on the RSVP. How long is it appropriate to wait to tell the hosts I can or cannot go? The wedding is still 3 months away. Sincerely,-JohnSeattle, WA
Dear John,
Usually the wedding invitation indicates a date by which they must receive the reply, usually worded "The favour of a reply is requested by (Date)". When this is not included, at least 30 days before the wedding is when the caterer needs to have a final head count of the attendees. If the wedding is September 15, one should reply yes or no by August 15th. It sounds like a fun time, I hope you are able to attend!
Limo Princess
Hello-My cousin is getting married this September in Italy,-where he lives(and was born and raised.) Many of the extended family lives in the United States. He has invited many of those family members in the states to attemd wedding in Italy. While some have said they will be going, others have been non-committal,or have said no, due to the cost and logisitics of making the trip. This is a person who visited us with his sisters many times when he was younger. This brings me to the question: What is the proper protocol for RSVPing to a wedding in a different country that involves significant travel and expense? We have received email invites, and I am still am trying to see if I can go to this September wedding. No deadline was set on the RSVP. How long is it appropriate to wait to tell the hosts I can or cannot go? The wedding is still 3 months away. Sincerely,-JohnSeattle, WA
Dear John,
Usually the wedding invitation indicates a date by which they must receive the reply, usually worded "The favour of a reply is requested by (Date)". When this is not included, at least 30 days before the wedding is when the caterer needs to have a final head count of the attendees. If the wedding is September 15, one should reply yes or no by August 15th. It sounds like a fun time, I hope you are able to attend!
Limo Princess
response to $ received in a will
My partner just recently received some money through his grandfathers will. I want to make sure we respond the best way to say thank you. can you make some suggestions as to what should be written in a letter like this, words don't come easy at times like this. my partner although pleased about the money is also saddened that this will be the last connection to his grandad. the letter of thanks will be addressed to my partners uncle who took care of the will, he is a businessman in politics, so we don't want to come across too simple. can you help, there are no Hallmark cards for this topic I don't think the dollar value is relevant but just in case, it was less than $3000
Dear Reader,
It was your partner's grandfather's instructions that your partner be given the money and the uncle is required by probate law to follow through on it, you didn't get the money out of the goodness of his heart--he was required to give it to you. Your partner's uncle is acting as executor and is paid a fee by the estate, in most cases, for seeing that all of the terms and bequests in the will are carried out. A thank you note for the money is NOT required and should not be sent. If you wish to send a note, send one that thanks him for his service to the estate--NOT for the money--it wasn't his money and should not be mentioned.Here's how it should read:Dear Uncle Joe,I wanted to thank you for your help in probating Grandpa X's will. I know it's a difficult and time-consuming process and I appreciate the time and effort you put into carrying out Grandpa's wishes. I will never forget the time(s) we (insert experience here, i.e. went fishing,)and I miss Grandpa a lot. Hope all is well with you and we look forward to seeing you at (whenever--Christmas or the next time you will see him). Again, thank you so much for your help!Fondly, (or whatever)Your Partner's signatureThis note should be HAND-WRITTEN on your partner's personal stationery or in a blank on the inside Thank You card and mailed.My condolences on the loss of your grandfather.
Limo Princess
FOLLOW-UP thank you very much for the response, it will certainly be helpful to my partner.
I'm so glad I was able to help you and feel free to contact me again if I can be of further assistance
Dear Reader,
It was your partner's grandfather's instructions that your partner be given the money and the uncle is required by probate law to follow through on it, you didn't get the money out of the goodness of his heart--he was required to give it to you. Your partner's uncle is acting as executor and is paid a fee by the estate, in most cases, for seeing that all of the terms and bequests in the will are carried out. A thank you note for the money is NOT required and should not be sent. If you wish to send a note, send one that thanks him for his service to the estate--NOT for the money--it wasn't his money and should not be mentioned.Here's how it should read:Dear Uncle Joe,I wanted to thank you for your help in probating Grandpa X's will. I know it's a difficult and time-consuming process and I appreciate the time and effort you put into carrying out Grandpa's wishes. I will never forget the time(s) we (insert experience here, i.e. went fishing,)and I miss Grandpa a lot. Hope all is well with you and we look forward to seeing you at (whenever--Christmas or the next time you will see him). Again, thank you so much for your help!Fondly, (or whatever)Your Partner's signatureThis note should be HAND-WRITTEN on your partner's personal stationery or in a blank on the inside Thank You card and mailed.My condolences on the loss of your grandfather.
Limo Princess
FOLLOW-UP thank you very much for the response, it will certainly be helpful to my partner.
I'm so glad I was able to help you and feel free to contact me again if I can be of further assistance
Our wedding
Hello. Jeff and I live in Las Vegas, although we are getting married in Colorado. We have issued an open invite for everyone we know including our coworkers. Understanbly not everyone will be able to attend. I have been recieving an increasing number of inquiries regarding, if we are havng a shower or a reception localy, as well as a list of where we are registered. I have no problem with this. I would love to have something along these lines. Although, I understand it's not appropriate for the Bride to throw a shower. What shall I call this 'event' and how should I list registries? We don't want to seem rude or expectant. Thank you so much for you help with this. Shawna
Dear Shawna,
I might be able to help more if you clarify a few things; as it is a rather confusing question. What exactly is an "open invite"? Why are you getting married in Colorado? Is it going to be a large formal wedding there? Are you originally from Colorado? I ask because I'm sure I am NOT understanding you question correctly. It reads as if you are asking what to call an event that you are having in order to collect as many wedding gifts as possible from people who are unable to attend your actual wedding. While I am sure that isn't the case; there is no event that YOU or your fiance can host that will not appear as though you are having it to collect a gift without having to bear the expense of hosting them at the actual wedding. Also, people these days tend to ask where one is registered just to make it appear that they intend to send a gift (even when they don't) in order to escape from the subject. At any rate, you cannot have an event like this. The only proper way is to issue an actual formal invitation to your wedding, keeping in mind that only the guests who physically attend are obligated to send a gift. If one of your co-workers or friends wishes to hostess a bridal shower for you, that's fine, but everyone attending the shower must also receive a formal invitation to the wedding. You also cannot ask someone to have a shower for you as a bridal shower cannot be given by a sister, your mother or any other relative. When someone asks where you are registered, you may tell them verbally but to send a list of registries in an invitation is extremely tacky and makes it appear as though the event is being held to "fish" for gifts. Also, you should not be registered at more than 2 places because to recite a long list of places you are registered will, again, seem to be "fishing" for gifts. As I mentioned, please give me some clarification and I will be able to help you more
FOLLOW-UP: Thanks you did anwer most of my question. We are getting married in Colorado because that is where I am from. There will be about 150 people. As far as open invitiation we both work in the same ER and we invited everyone we work with, including our families and such. So what I thought was that we would have some sort of a reception here localy. What I understand from you is not to include the registry, which is what I was wanting to know.
Ahhh--that's different! If you are going to have a local reception that you are providing food and drink for, then the people you invite will need to know where you are registered, so you can tell those who ask where you are registered--but you would not include that information in the invitation. People will ask when they are doing the RSVP and then you can feel to tell them--an entirely different situation and perfectly socially acceptable!
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and many happy returns!
Limo Princess
Dear Shawna,
I might be able to help more if you clarify a few things; as it is a rather confusing question. What exactly is an "open invite"? Why are you getting married in Colorado? Is it going to be a large formal wedding there? Are you originally from Colorado? I ask because I'm sure I am NOT understanding you question correctly. It reads as if you are asking what to call an event that you are having in order to collect as many wedding gifts as possible from people who are unable to attend your actual wedding. While I am sure that isn't the case; there is no event that YOU or your fiance can host that will not appear as though you are having it to collect a gift without having to bear the expense of hosting them at the actual wedding. Also, people these days tend to ask where one is registered just to make it appear that they intend to send a gift (even when they don't) in order to escape from the subject. At any rate, you cannot have an event like this. The only proper way is to issue an actual formal invitation to your wedding, keeping in mind that only the guests who physically attend are obligated to send a gift. If one of your co-workers or friends wishes to hostess a bridal shower for you, that's fine, but everyone attending the shower must also receive a formal invitation to the wedding. You also cannot ask someone to have a shower for you as a bridal shower cannot be given by a sister, your mother or any other relative. When someone asks where you are registered, you may tell them verbally but to send a list of registries in an invitation is extremely tacky and makes it appear as though the event is being held to "fish" for gifts. Also, you should not be registered at more than 2 places because to recite a long list of places you are registered will, again, seem to be "fishing" for gifts. As I mentioned, please give me some clarification and I will be able to help you more
FOLLOW-UP: Thanks you did anwer most of my question. We are getting married in Colorado because that is where I am from. There will be about 150 people. As far as open invitiation we both work in the same ER and we invited everyone we work with, including our families and such. So what I thought was that we would have some sort of a reception here localy. What I understand from you is not to include the registry, which is what I was wanting to know.
Ahhh--that's different! If you are going to have a local reception that you are providing food and drink for, then the people you invite will need to know where you are registered, so you can tell those who ask where you are registered--but you would not include that information in the invitation. People will ask when they are doing the RSVP and then you can feel to tell them--an entirely different situation and perfectly socially acceptable!
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and many happy returns!
Limo Princess
Address Etiquette
How would I address a letter to a family in which the wife kept her maiden name? Would it be The Smith(husband's last name)-Jones (wife's last name) Family? Or The Jones-Smith Family? Or some other variation?Thx! Maggie
Dear Maggie,
It would depend on whether the wife kept her maiden name for professional use only and uses her husband's name socially which many women do. (I am well known in my field so I use my maiden name professionally, but socially I am Mrs. Jones not Miss Smith.)If this is the case with this couple, then address it to Mr.& Mrs. John Smith and Family. If not then address it John Smith, Mary Jones and Family.
Limo Princess
Dear Maggie,
It would depend on whether the wife kept her maiden name for professional use only and uses her husband's name socially which many women do. (I am well known in my field so I use my maiden name professionally, but socially I am Mrs. Jones not Miss Smith.)If this is the case with this couple, then address it to Mr.& Mrs. John Smith and Family. If not then address it John Smith, Mary Jones and Family.
Limo Princess
retaking wedding vows
I was married in 1980 and honeymooned in Hawaii. Retiring next year - planning to take my wife and two children (with their prospective fiance's) to Hawaii to celebrate retiring from teaching after thirty years. Want to surprise my wife and re-take our vows while in Hawaii. What is etiquette - another ring - or any piece of jewelry - or do I need to worry about that and just have a special celebratory dinner after having a justice of the peace (as we did in our marriage) renew our vows. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Dear Paul
While no ring is REQUIRED, many men present their wives with what is called an eternity ring or a three-stone diamond ring (with the 3 diamonds representing past, present and future)to be worn in addition to the original wedding and engagement rings. It is up to you whether or not you wish to do this, but I'm sure she would love it unless she doesn't care for jewelry--which is rare in women. Both three-stone and eternity bands come in styles and sizes to fit all budgets. Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary--30 years is a major accomplishment these days!!
Wishing You Many Many More,
Limo Princess
Dear Paul
While no ring is REQUIRED, many men present their wives with what is called an eternity ring or a three-stone diamond ring (with the 3 diamonds representing past, present and future)to be worn in addition to the original wedding and engagement rings. It is up to you whether or not you wish to do this, but I'm sure she would love it unless she doesn't care for jewelry--which is rare in women. Both three-stone and eternity bands come in styles and sizes to fit all budgets. Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary--30 years is a major accomplishment these days!!
Wishing You Many Many More,
Limo Princess
protocol for picking up the check
I am hosting a graduation dinner for my Granddaughter in a nice restaurant. The invitations say "hosted by" with my name.Am I responsible for picking up the entire party's bill in this instance?
Without seeing the invitation, I would have go say that you are with some caveats: Did you invite every guest that is attending? Is it an adult party? (by this I mean mostly adult family members) Are you financially able to bear the expense? Is it a small group? If you invited most of the guests and they are attending at your behest and you are financially able to take care of the bill without it becoming a huge burden and it's an intimate group (25 or so) of close family and dear friends then yes, you are responsible for the bill. HOWEVER, if your granddaughter invited a lot of her friends and the party has ballooned out of control, far past what you can comfortably afford, then your granddaughter will need to do something along the lines of sharing the expense with her parents.
Limo Princess
Without seeing the invitation, I would have go say that you are with some caveats: Did you invite every guest that is attending? Is it an adult party? (by this I mean mostly adult family members) Are you financially able to bear the expense? Is it a small group? If you invited most of the guests and they are attending at your behest and you are financially able to take care of the bill without it becoming a huge burden and it's an intimate group (25 or so) of close family and dear friends then yes, you are responsible for the bill. HOWEVER, if your granddaughter invited a lot of her friends and the party has ballooned out of control, far past what you can comfortably afford, then your granddaughter will need to do something along the lines of sharing the expense with her parents.
Limo Princess
Boyfriend of ex-spouse at former spouse's family reunion
My ex-spouse and I have four minor children and she has primary custody. My family, one of the earliest in Florida, has a reunion and she has received the generic invitation as the primary custodian of the children. Our divorce is not amicable and actually very acrimonious. She has insisted on bringing her boyfriend to all events, even those that are for adults only. I can suffer her attendance at the ones that the children would be attending but object to his attendance at any event,and to both of them at the all adult event. Neither of them have any direct relationship with anyone beyond her prior marriage to me. She is quite pushy and my family overly polite so she is counting on no one raising an objection other than me. What say you? PS Five weeks ago I was expressly told by her twin sister that I was excluded from an informal gathering of her brother and sisters and their respective children even though her twin and I were married for 15 years.--Furious in Florida
Dear F in FL,
Sadly, you are not going to be able exclude your ex-wife from attending this event because she WAS, in an excess of politeness, issued an invitation. You must take the high road as much as it pains you to do so and put up with the fact that she has brought her new boyfriend to the event. You might be able to have some fun by telling her it's black tie when it's casual or that it's a barbecue when it is black tie. (Forgive me--I'm evil--sorry!) Obviously she is extremely ill-bred to attend an event at which she must know she is not welcome and you are far better off being rid of her. Even more obvious is the fact that she is attending with her boyfriend to irritate you, and your very best action is to totally ignore her. Do not react to anything she says or does, no matter how egregious her behavior, as she is beneath your notice. In the future, issue any written invitations directly to your children, i.e. Miss Jane Jones, Miss Sarah Jones, Master John Jones and Miss Judy Jones individually so that there can be no mistaking that she is absolutely not invited. I'd also cut off any further communication with her side of the family, nothing irritates people more than being totally ignored. As for her twin sister, nothing is ruder than telling someone about a party they were not invited to attend, and the perfect reply would have been to tell her you how delighted you are to hear that her trailer park was allowing parties again.
Meow My Dear,
Limo Princess
Dear F in FL,
Sadly, you are not going to be able exclude your ex-wife from attending this event because she WAS, in an excess of politeness, issued an invitation. You must take the high road as much as it pains you to do so and put up with the fact that she has brought her new boyfriend to the event. You might be able to have some fun by telling her it's black tie when it's casual or that it's a barbecue when it is black tie. (Forgive me--I'm evil--sorry!) Obviously she is extremely ill-bred to attend an event at which she must know she is not welcome and you are far better off being rid of her. Even more obvious is the fact that she is attending with her boyfriend to irritate you, and your very best action is to totally ignore her. Do not react to anything she says or does, no matter how egregious her behavior, as she is beneath your notice. In the future, issue any written invitations directly to your children, i.e. Miss Jane Jones, Miss Sarah Jones, Master John Jones and Miss Judy Jones individually so that there can be no mistaking that she is absolutely not invited. I'd also cut off any further communication with her side of the family, nothing irritates people more than being totally ignored. As for her twin sister, nothing is ruder than telling someone about a party they were not invited to attend, and the perfect reply would have been to tell her you how delighted you are to hear that her trailer park was allowing parties again.
Meow My Dear,
Limo Princess
graduation attire
My daughter is graduating from high school on June 1. I haven't been to a graduation in many years. What is the appropriate attire for my 15 year old sons and my husband and myself. The ceremony is in an auditorium.
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
It really depends on where you are going afterwards. Most parents wear "business casual" i.e. polo shirt and slacks for the Dads and slacks and a blouse for the Moms. Obviously if you are going to a nice party or restaurant after the ceremony, then dress for where you are going after the graduation. Your younger son can get away with slacks or jeans--but I'd wear make mine wear slacks. If it's a fancy private school then dress up a bit more than if it's the local public school in a farming community.
Limo Princess
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
It really depends on where you are going afterwards. Most parents wear "business casual" i.e. polo shirt and slacks for the Dads and slacks and a blouse for the Moms. Obviously if you are going to a nice party or restaurant after the ceremony, then dress for where you are going after the graduation. Your younger son can get away with slacks or jeans--but I'd wear make mine wear slacks. If it's a fancy private school then dress up a bit more than if it's the local public school in a farming community.
Limo Princess
grad gift blended family
My husbands friend of many years(they only really socialize for hunting, the friend came to our daughters wedding 8 years ago and a grad party. The friend, Jim, has always lived about 3 hours away. When he remarried 3 years ago we went to the wedding, his new wife came with 3 daughters and he had a daughter and son we know somewhat. We have only met Betsi, the new wife, beifly 3 times and her daughters VERY beiefly at their wedding (in the reception line). His son and one of her daughters are both graduating from high school next week. We recieved an announcement/open house invite for Josh, his son, and in the same envelope one for her daughter, who we don't know. We expected the one for Josh but not one for Katie. The question is...... how do we respond in the gift department, we cannot attend the open house and would normally send a gift of money to Josh. Are we expected to send a gift to Katie? Is it expected to be of equal amount or should we split the difference so to speak and send a little less to him and a little more to her (ending up equal) Or do we even need to gift the stepsister since we don't know her at all or her mother very well??? If this is confusing I apoligize in advance.
Thank You, Not Sure What To Do
Dear Not Sure,
You are not required to give a gift to the graduate unless you attend the party, but I understand your situation. Send a card and a token gift to the daughter--there are people who will be in the reverse situation--and send the boy whatever you were originally going to send him.
Thank You, Not Sure What To Do
Dear Not Sure,
You are not required to give a gift to the graduate unless you attend the party, but I understand your situation. Send a card and a token gift to the daughter--there are people who will be in the reverse situation--and send the boy whatever you were originally going to send him.
Who is a in-law?
Hello Princess,
Who is a inlaw? I was told that only the sibling of your spouse is considered a inlaw, the spouse of your inlaw is just that, a spouse. Could you clarify that for me?
Thank you,April
An in-law is your husband's immediate family. Your sister-in-law's husband is sort of an in-law but there's not an official RULE on it. A lot depends on how close you are to your in-laws. I am blessed with great in-laws but my husband is an only child. His Aunts and Uncles are like my aunts and uncles and I call them Aunt Jane and Uncle Jack. My brother's wife is my sister-in-law and I consider her sister to be a friend although she is also the aunt of their children, just as I am. I think it's where the term "kissing cousin" came from--you are sort of related but not really if you know what I mean. I would introduce them as "My sister-in-law Susan and her husband John" to strangers which would be perfectly proper. Theoretically, only the sibling of your spouse is your in-law but in the grand scheme of things, there's no such thing as too many people to love, is there?
Limo Princess
Who is a inlaw? I was told that only the sibling of your spouse is considered a inlaw, the spouse of your inlaw is just that, a spouse. Could you clarify that for me?
Thank you,April
An in-law is your husband's immediate family. Your sister-in-law's husband is sort of an in-law but there's not an official RULE on it. A lot depends on how close you are to your in-laws. I am blessed with great in-laws but my husband is an only child. His Aunts and Uncles are like my aunts and uncles and I call them Aunt Jane and Uncle Jack. My brother's wife is my sister-in-law and I consider her sister to be a friend although she is also the aunt of their children, just as I am. I think it's where the term "kissing cousin" came from--you are sort of related but not really if you know what I mean. I would introduce them as "My sister-in-law Susan and her husband John" to strangers which would be perfectly proper. Theoretically, only the sibling of your spouse is your in-law but in the grand scheme of things, there's no such thing as too many people to love, is there?
Limo Princess
Panty hose and open toe shoes
Is it proper etiquette to wear panty hose (sheer toe) with open toe shoes for a Northeastern wedding in October?---Vietta
Dear Vietta,
Yes, it is. I've also seen some pantyhose that have open toes--a little band you put your toes through and it hugs the ball of your foot leaving your pretty toes bare. If you wear those, do make sure to have a pedicure--I saw an Oscar nominee in strappy sandals and her feet and toes were positively SKANKY!! She was wearing Mark Jacobs $500,000.00 diamond sandals with no pantyhose, skanky DIRTY toes with her toenails all chipped and broken. It was truly horrifying--and she WON the Oscar for Best Supporting which means the photo of her skanky feet in those diamond sandals was in every magazine! UGH! It's a good thing she can sing because those feet.....it would have taken a belt sander to file down those hooves!
Limo Princess
Dear Vietta,
Yes, it is. I've also seen some pantyhose that have open toes--a little band you put your toes through and it hugs the ball of your foot leaving your pretty toes bare. If you wear those, do make sure to have a pedicure--I saw an Oscar nominee in strappy sandals and her feet and toes were positively SKANKY!! She was wearing Mark Jacobs $500,000.00 diamond sandals with no pantyhose, skanky DIRTY toes with her toenails all chipped and broken. It was truly horrifying--and she WON the Oscar for Best Supporting which means the photo of her skanky feet in those diamond sandals was in every magazine! UGH! It's a good thing she can sing because those feet.....it would have taken a belt sander to file down those hooves!
Limo Princess
bar mitzvah invitation etiquette
My fiance and I have been together for three years and living together for one. We are in the process of planning my son's bar mitzvah. My son's father hasn't had any contact with him for the past four years. Is it okay to say our son on the invitation in place of my son? Also is it okay at th bottom of the invitation to just have our first names?Please help us.
Thank you,Eileen
Dear Eileen,
As you are not yet married to your fiance, the invitation must come from you alone. You cannot obscure the fact that you are not married yet by using only your first names on the invitations. You are the hostess and your name alone is the only one on the invitations.
Limo Princess
Thank you,Eileen
Dear Eileen,
As you are not yet married to your fiance, the invitation must come from you alone. You cannot obscure the fact that you are not married yet by using only your first names on the invitations. You are the hostess and your name alone is the only one on the invitations.
Limo Princess
Grad Parties
Hi,If you have a graduation party (for H.S.) that is more formal and not an open house, what is the etiquette for gifts? If you didn't write anything on the invite about gifts, who would and who wouldn't bring gifts?
Thanks-Joe
Graduation gifts for High School are totally optional, no one is required or expected to bring a gift even though high school kids routinely use graduation as an opportunity to shamelessly fish for gifts. Mom and Dad might come up with a gift and maybe Grandma or Aunt Betty, but it's not a requirement--a "Congratulations" is all that is necessary to be socially proper. If someone wants to give a gift, it is entirely at their discretion and not required.
Thanks-Joe
Graduation gifts for High School are totally optional, no one is required or expected to bring a gift even though high school kids routinely use graduation as an opportunity to shamelessly fish for gifts. Mom and Dad might come up with a gift and maybe Grandma or Aunt Betty, but it's not a requirement--a "Congratulations" is all that is necessary to be socially proper. If someone wants to give a gift, it is entirely at their discretion and not required.
her husband has been cheating on her.
Dear Princess,
A friend of my boyfriend's has just filed for divorce after finding out her husband has been cheating on her. This comes as a complete shock to all of us, and is really very devastating. We are seeing her tonight for the first time at a very small get together. Is there proper etiquette of how to act, what to do or say, whether to bring something for her (a bottle of wine) as a gesture? Although she might not want to talk about it, I don't want to not acknowledge how sorry we are.
Sympathetically Baffled
Dear Reader,
Here is what you do: When you see her, you take her hand and give it a gentle squeeze and give her a reassuring smile. If she wants to talk about it she will--but this gesture tells her you are there for her.
A friend of my boyfriend's has just filed for divorce after finding out her husband has been cheating on her. This comes as a complete shock to all of us, and is really very devastating. We are seeing her tonight for the first time at a very small get together. Is there proper etiquette of how to act, what to do or say, whether to bring something for her (a bottle of wine) as a gesture? Although she might not want to talk about it, I don't want to not acknowledge how sorry we are.
Sympathetically Baffled
Dear Reader,
Here is what you do: When you see her, you take her hand and give it a gentle squeeze and give her a reassuring smile. If she wants to talk about it she will--but this gesture tells her you are there for her.
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